Track and Trace

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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NotQuiteSure
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Track and Trace

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Jul 15, 2020 4:23 pm

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Track and Trace


Resembling Old School Tie-itis
a mutant strain, the Crony-virus
is replicating in Whitehall.

Contagious, it's understood
transmission's through breath and blood:
its infecting Tories, one and all.



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Firebird
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Re: Track and Trace

Post by Firebird » Wed Jul 15, 2020 8:12 pm

Hi Not,

I fully agree with the sentiment of this poem, but don’t think it’s quite there yet. Maybe something like this or parts of this might help.

A mutant strain of Old School
Tie-itis
is replicating across Whitehall.
It’s understood this Crony-virus
transmits through breath and blood,
infecting Tories who have no balls / like urban sprawl ...

Cheers,

Tristan

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Wed Jul 15, 2020 4:23 pm
.
Track and Trace


Resembling Old School Tie-itis
a mutant strain, the Crony-virus
is replicating in Whitehall.

Contagious, it's understood
transmission's through breath and blood:
its infecting Tories, one and all.



.

NotQuiteSure
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Posts: 2156
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Track and Trace

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Jul 16, 2020 10:36 am

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Hi Tristan,
Firebird wrote:
Wed Jul 15, 2020 8:12 pm
don’t think it’s quite there yet
Agreed. I wanted to see if the germ (apologies) of the idea worked.
This one's going back to the drawing board (so thanks for your edit.
Always appreciate a bit of grist :) )

Regards, Not


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