The Slap (revised)

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Macavity
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The Slap (revised)

Post by Macavity » Wed Jul 15, 2020 6:45 am

revision

I work this afternoon without a rest,
your dictionary is my wisdom guide.
My ambition's to greet you with honest
and kind reflections on our sulky slide
to silence. Clobbering guilt locks me inside.

This isolation's not the way to age,
your homemade scone with strawberry jam
shows otherwise. The weight of studied pages
letters a lexicon of vocal sham.
A mouthful of cake bakes your kindest cage.


======================================

original

I work this afternoon without a rest,
your dictionary is my wisdom guide.
My ambition's to greet you with honest
and kind reflections on our sulky slide.
Clobbering guilt, and rain, locks me inside.

This isolation's not the way to age.
Your homemade scone with strawberry jam
shows otherwise. This weight of sticky pages
letters a lexicon of vocal sham.
A mouthful of cake bakes your kindest cage.
Last edited by Macavity on Wed Jul 15, 2020 3:53 pm, edited 7 times in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Slap

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Jul 15, 2020 10:44 am

.
Hi mac,
it's a bit too staccato for me, but some very nice lines, especially 'bakes your kindest cage'
'letters a lexicon' and 'clobbering guilt' (though the domestic violence implications are unpleasant).
'Wisdom guide' is rather excessive, and 'vocal sham' hits the wrong note, for me. Also, 'this'
twice in the second verse seems one too many.
May just be me, but ... I'd like 'on our sulky slide' to end in a destination.

(L2 - cut 'is'? (and possibly the possessive in L3), L8 - 'says' for 'shows'?)


Regards, Not

.

Macavity
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Re: The Slap (revised)

Post by Macavity » Wed Jul 15, 2020 2:18 pm

Thanks Not. I've made a few tweaks in light of your prompts.
'vocal sham' hits the wrong note,
It was meant to be a pointer that actions not words, baking not saying, is more convincing. I've replaced for now.

cheers

mac

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Firebird
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Re: The Slap (revised)

Post by Firebird » Wed Jul 15, 2020 2:41 pm

Hi Mac, I like it. For me, most of it works nicely. I especially like ‘sulky slide’, ‘clobbering guilt‘ and ‘bake your kindness cage’. I think that last phrase describes that feeling very well. I think many of us were smacked/slapped, who were children in the 70s. It was a different time, and socially acceptable then. I don’t believe in slapping/smacking my children at all, even though I was regularly smacked and slapped as a child myself.

I’m not keep on ‘sticky pages’ purely because of the other associations this phrase has (not stuck together with jam). It’s distracting (unless you were referring to semen and not jam). And also, did the dictionary pages really stick together with jam?

‘Vocal sham’ works fine for me. But I did have the benefit of your explanation. But I think it does work.

Cheers,

Tristan


Macavity wrote:
Wed Jul 15, 2020 6:45 am
revision

I work this afternoon without a rest,
your dictionary is my wisdom guide.
My ambition's to greet you with honest
and kind reflections on our sulky slide
to silence. Clobbering guilt locks me inside.

This isolation's not the way to age,
your homemade scone with strawberry jam
shows otherwise. The weight of sticky pages
letters a lexicon of limpid sham.
A mouthful of cake bakes your kindness cage.


======================================

original

I work this afternoon without a rest,
your dictionary is my wisdom guide.
My ambition's to greet you with honest
and kind reflections on our sulky slide.
Clobbering guilt, and rain, locks me inside.

This isolation's not the way to age.
Your homemade scone with strawberry jam
shows otherwise. This weight of sticky pages
letters a lexicon of vocal sham.
A mouthful of cake bakes your kindest cage.

Macavity
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Re: The Slap (revised)

Post by Macavity » Wed Jul 15, 2020 3:07 pm

I’m not keep on ‘sticky pages’ purely because of the other associations this phrase has (not stuck together with jam). It’s distracting (unless you were referring to semen and not jam). And also, did the dictionary pages really stick together with jam?
Must admit my mind hadn't gone there Tristan. I was playing around with stuck and solutions to release, but I agree more literal interpretations question the logic. May go back to vocal because it says more :D

I was caned once, but I did put a brick through the neighbour's window :oops:

cheers

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Slap (revised)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Jul 15, 2020 3:27 pm

.
Hi mac,
like the revision of S1 (the almost childish 'sulky slide / to silence works a treat)
but still not convinced by 'wisdom' (I just don't think it adds anything interesting
to 'dictionary' or to 'scone/cake', similar reservations about 'weight')

'I've ambition's to greet you ...' ?

Too many ds in kindest.

Tristan may well have a point about 'sticky'

Don't know if this would work, but (because of how it sounds with 'clobbering')

This isolation's not the way to age,
your homemade scones with clotted cream
say otherwise. The spread of jammy pages
letters a lexicon of crumbs. It seems
a mouthful of cake bakes your kindest cage.


Regards, Not

.

Macavity
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Re: The Slap (revised)

Post by Macavity » Wed Jul 15, 2020 3:53 pm

Too many ds in kindest.
Thanks Not. I was having a device melt down.
but still not convinced by 'wisdom' (I just don't think it adds anything interesting
to 'dictionary' or to 'scone/cake', similar reservations about 'weight')
I intended some doubt/sarcasm here. He prefers cake to study/words and wishes he had that resource/skill...tougher to find the right words :D I quite like the play with otherwise

Will ponder your re-write.

cheers

mac

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Re: The Slap (revised)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Jul 15, 2020 4:15 pm

Macavity wrote:
Wed Jul 15, 2020 3:53 pm
I intended some doubt/sarcasm here. He prefers cake to study/words and wishes he had that resource/skill
I don't mind the play with otherwise, it's the one with 'guide' that doesn't work for me. :)
Not getting sarcasm, and wonder if it needs to be clearer.
letting your wisdom be my guide
I've ambition to delight with honest
?
(if sarcastic in line two, then what is N in line three?)

Regards, Not

.

Macavity
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Re: The Slap (revised)

Post by Macavity » Wed Jul 15, 2020 6:18 pm

hi Not,
It's sarcasm to an extent, resentment to an extent, there's ambivalence.He feels guilty, but resents that guilt. He's been outmanoeuvred. I saw someone, inarticulate, who can only resort to blunt power tools. He is maggoted, as Larkin put it by "the maggot of loneliness, the maggot of romantic illusion, the maggot of sexual desire" (or at least the first one in this poem). Well that was some of thinking anyway, even if it is not evident to the reader :D

cheers

mac

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