Spring in the Hollow

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Suzanne
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Spring in the Hollow

Post by Suzanne » Sat May 09, 2020 3:52 pm

Spring in the Hollow

The leaves are still buds on the branches of the birch
and the breeze blows bitter through the window.
That blue of the sky reminds me of something
I cannot quite put my finger on...

Was it the water in your bath
or your now unused coffee cup?

You taught me that emptiness was best conveyed
by describing the vessel rather than pointing out
its lack of content. I once asked if you'd help me fill it,
you turned away, but came back and filled it with blue.

You filled it with the depth of a cloudless sky, the buoyancy
of a hundred periwinkle moths over that farmer's field,
with bunches and bunches of the soft blue
we'd seen in the ditches along the path we'd taken,

you filled it with forget-me-nots.


.
Last edited by Suzanne on Tue May 12, 2020 5:51 pm, edited 3 times in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Spring in the Hollow

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat May 09, 2020 5:02 pm

.
Hi Suzanne,
love the ending (though not sure about the punctuation in S4, shouldn't those periods be commas?)

S1.
'wedged' tips it over the edge, for me. I'd prefer something as expectation defying as 'open'.
'the' for 'that' (L3)?

S2.
like the first line, but the second is awkwardly constructed. There's the ambiguity as to whether there's water in the unused
coffee cup (I assume the blue is intended to refer to the cups colour or pattern), as well as the pebble in the shoe of that 'now'.
(Wouldn't mind a third line that was just
or ... )

S3.
'pointing out' - a little on the weak side, for me. Not sure about the last couple of lines
what it does not contain. I once asked if you'd help me fill it
but you turned away, only to return and fill it with blue.


S4.
Yes, they definitely should be commas.
(Any alternative to the 'the' in L3?)

S5
maybe an em dash at the start?

The title was fine at the beginning, but I think the piece deserves better.


Regards, Not


.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Mon May 11, 2020 2:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Macavity
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Re: Spring in the Hollow

Post by Macavity » Sat May 09, 2020 6:05 pm

Hi Suzanne,
Very much enjoyed this gentle poem, particularly the periwinkle moths and forget-me-nots.

best

mac

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Jackie
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Re: Spring in the Hollow

Post by Jackie » Mon May 11, 2020 11:34 am

Suzanne, this has the gentle feel of Roberta Flack singing, "Jesse, Come Home."

Would you consider dropping the first two lines and starting the poem with the third line?

I stumble on
by describing the vessel rather than pointing out
its lack of content.
. How about shortening it to "by describing the vessel rather than its contents"?

I also kept trying to figure out what "it" referred to in the 3rd line of S3—the cup, or some general vessel (the person's own body?).

I especially appreciate this because COVID-19 has me experiencing a temperate spring for the first time in ages this year but I can't capture my awe in words.

Jackie

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Re: Spring in the Hollow

Post by David » Mon May 11, 2020 3:25 pm

Hi Suzanne. Nice to read you again. And the poem is very nice - the last 5 lines especially.

Hope you're well.

David

Suzanne
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Re: Spring in the Hollow

Post by Suzanne » Tue May 12, 2020 5:59 pm

Thanks for the comments. I used some of them and edited.

I'd not written a poem since my last visit! I know it's a little dull but, I wrote a poem. Lol. I always wonder if I still can do it.

Thanks, Jackie, for the Jesse reference! Best compliment that it was brought to mind.

Hi, David! Thank you, I am well. My household is well and coping with the changes. I hope you are doing well, too!

What a crazy time to be living through.
Everyone wash your hands and stay safe.

Warmly,
Suzanne

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Spring in the Hollow

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed May 13, 2020 1:10 pm

.
Hi Suzanne,
improved, I think, but perhaps still some polishing to do?
S2/L2, still seems both ambiguous and clunky to me (but likely I'm a minority
of one :) ) 'Was is the water ... ' is excellent.
Any alternative to the repetition of 'we'd' in S4, and something more interesting
than 'soft' (wondered about 'dizzying') ?

Couple of thoughts ...

The leaves are still buds on the branches of the birch
and the breeze blows bitter in(?) through the window.
That blue of the sky reminds me of something
which I cannot quite put my finger on...

Was it the water in your bath
or your coffee cup, cold and unused?

You taught me that emptiness was best conveyed
by describing the vessel, not by saying what it did
not contain
. And once, when I asked you to help me fill it,
you turned away, only to come back and fill it with blue.

You filled it with the depth of a cloudless sky, the buoyancy
of a hundred periwinkle moths over that farmer's field,
with bunches and bunches of a soft blue such as we saw
in the ditches along the path we'd taken, you filled it

with forget-me-nots.


Regards, Not

.

ton321
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Re: Spring in the Hollow

Post by ton321 » Sat May 16, 2020 2:45 am

Hi Suzanne

I enjoyed it, but I think the best parts are the first and the last stanza, the middle feels like filler; I like the alliteration of the first two lines.
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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