Unintentionally

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Danté
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Unintentionally

Post by Danté » Fri May 08, 2020 10:18 am

Unintentionally

I find my old pen in the back of a drawer
its patina fools my last recall
of heady strophes I scrawled in haste
in lazy hours through lonely days

You had a thing for fucked up trees
dark carbon tracks where thunder shook
when lightning struck as if to please
I know you hid your childhood dreams
encoded deep within blank verse

I played the fool for all to see
while others raised my lack of class
perhaps I should attend post haste
and crack my use of dots in case
they strike my lines just like before

I could turn a phrase at any time
the wetness of your parting lips
awakened by my slightest touch
in light of others staking claim
I might be be misconstrued

The pen still writes and forms each word
just like the dancing dragonflies
lace wings which beat the air I breathe
to form another of those sighs
I heard before the dew had dried
a thin light shard upon each blade

that grass still grows, refreshingly my thoughts are just as vague
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Unintentionally

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri May 08, 2020 4:54 pm

.
Hi Dante,
this seems to lose its way in S5;
'dragonflies' followed by 'lace wings' (cf. lacewings), the lack of punctuation
(anywhere, but especially) between 'blade' and 'that grass'. It's rather anticlimactic.

Might it be worth considering swapping the order of S1 and S2? Makes for a much
more intriguing opening, I think.


You had a thing for fucked up trees
dark carbon tracks where thunder shook
when lightning struck as if to please
- maybe 'and' for 'when'?
I know you hid your childhood dreams
encoded deep within blank verse

I find my old pen in the back of a drawer
- 'the back of' is clunky, and rather clichéd
it's patina fools my last recall
- not following this line (its not it's).
'old' and then 'patina', one seems redundant?

of heady strophes I scrawled in haste
in lazy hours through lonely days
- maybe 'in ... / through ... of'... ?

I played the fool for all to see
while others raised my lack of class
perhaps I should attend post haste
and crack my use of dots in case
they strike my lines just like before
- not sure this verse adds much

I could turn a phrase at any time
the wetness of your parting lips
awakened by my slightest touch
in light of others staking claim
I might be be misconstrued
- Given 'others' should it be claims?
And how does that lead to misconstrue?
Also 'be be misconstrued'?
... be being?



Regards, Not


.

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Firebird
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Re: Unintentionally

Post by Firebird » Fri May 08, 2020 5:56 pm

Hi Dante,

Good to see you around. My quick summary of this poem would be the finding of an old pencil which brings back memories of when it was used to write freely at first In loneliness (no writers block?) and then passionately about N‘S muse/lover, who N maybe misses? I found some sections of the poem convoluted, which might have been because of the lack of punctuation. Some specific comments below.

Danté wrote:
Fri May 08, 2020 10:18 am
Unintentionally

I find my old pen in the back of a drawer (‘Back of a drawer’ is fairly worn out, especially in a first line.)
its patina fools my last recall (I can’t follow the meaning of this line)
of heady strophes I scrawled in haste
in lazy hours through lonely days

You had a thing for fucked up trees (Is the ‘you’ the pencil?)
dark carbon tracks where thunder shook
when lightning struck as if to please
I know you hid your childhood dreams
encoded deep within blank verse (I think for me to make sense of this stanza punctuation is needed)

I played the fool for all to see (‘I played the fool’ is a cliche)
while others raised my lack of class (‘lack of class’ is a cliche)
perhaps I should attend post haste (Attend what though? Also ‘post haste’ is a cliche)
and crack my use of dots in case (Is this why there’s no punctuation?)
they strike my lines just like before

I could turn a phrase at any time
the wetness of your parting lips
awakened by my slightest touch
in light of others staking claim (Not keen on ‘in light of’)
I might be be misconstrued (Why ‘misconstrued’?)

The pen still writes and forms each word
just like the dancing dragonflies
lace wings which beat the air I breathe
to form another of those sighs
I heard before the dew had dried
a thin light shard upon each blade (I think again, for me to make full sense of this stanza punctuation is needed.)

that grass still grows, refreshingly my thoughts are just as vague (Is this vagueness meant to be mimicked in the poem? Clever if it is, but I’m not sure it works.)
Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

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