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Re: Mrs Shakespeare Schemes After Reading Will's Dark Lady Sonnets

Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 1:38 pm
by Macavity
Thanks Not. I've cut a dash. The title amuses me :D

Cheers

Mac

Re: Mrs Shakespeare Schemes After Reading Will's Dark Lady Sonnets

Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 4:15 pm
by David
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Mar 26, 2020 12:25 pm
.
Hi mac.
The title's doing a lot of work now, and maybe struggling under the strain? .
Yes, I have to agree. I think the best thing you can do is somehow smuggle a dark lady reference into the closing couplet - or perhaps just anywhere in the poem. Otherwise your title risks becoming a synopsis. Let the poem do the work.

Re: Mrs Shakespeare Schemes After Reading Will's Dark Lady Sonnets

Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 6:21 pm
by NotQuiteSure
.
Hi mac,
Macavity wrote:
Thu Mar 26, 2020 1:38 pm
The title amuses me
I'm hoping this will too (so long as you ignore the butchery to the meter) :)


Mrs Shakespeare Plots

...

An ounce of civet is enough
to sweeten him, and Hebenon
for peace. A redolent demise.
And goaded by his conceit, I act

a darker lady who shall play 'pon malady
and brag in whispers. She will laud
mischief with this potion. He's lust-blind,
tonight, no rapier thrust from him

In solitude let ...


Regards, Not


.

Re: Mrs Shakespeare Schemes After Reading Will's Dark Lady Sonnets

Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 6:42 pm
by Firebird
Hi Mac,

I’m probably not the right person to comment on this, as I’ve not read much Shakespeare for about 20 years. However, I liked the mystery of your first draft that I think has disappeared now. It didn’t have the final couplet. I think I still prefer the original below with the different stanza order. The only phrase I don’t like is ‘lust-blind’. It’s a terrible cliche but maybe it originated from Shakespeare? I like the ‘rapier thrust’, ‘apothecary’, ‘civet’, and I really like ‘pride hugs itself’ - maybe Shakespeare? If not, I think it’s a great phrase. It’s a shame it’s gone from the latest draft.

Anyway, that’s my take on it. Sorry if I’ve put the cat amounts the pigeons.

Cheers,

Tristan
Macavity wrote:
Sun Mar 15, 2020 8:37 am
revision2


With this phial a subtle closure
to his contempt. I'll be not proud.
In that beggared, so ragged toad -
the apothecary - I will trust.

An ounce of civet is enough
to sweeten him, and hebenon
for peace. A redolent demise.
His conceit goads me on to act.

I'll brag in whispers, be not loud,
and laud mischief with this potion.
He will not know for he's lust-blind.
No rapier thrust from him tonight.

In solitude let pleasing grief
be shed, discard that cloth, and sleep.



=============================================================

revision

With this phial a subtle closure
for all contempt. Though pride is vain,
that toad-spotted, so ragged
apothecary I will trust.

An ounce of civet is enough
for distraction, and hebenon
for peace. An elegant deceit.
His conceit goads poison to act.

I'll brag in whispers, be not loud,
and laud mischief with this potion.
He will not glean for he's lust blind
with haste. No rapier thrust tonight.

In solitude let pleasing grief
be shed, discard that cloth, and sleep.


original

I'll brag in whispers, be not loud,
and laud mischief with this potion.
He should glean, but he's lust blind
with haste. No rapier thrust tonight.

With this phial a subtle closure
to all contempt. Pride hugs itself.
That toad-spotted, so ragged
apothecary I will trust.

An ounce of civet is enough
for distraction, and hebenon
for peace. An elegant deceit.
Conceit shall goad poison to act.

In solitude let pleasing grief
be shed, discard that cloth, and sleep.

Re: Mrs Shakespeare Plots (revision3)

Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 7:53 pm
by Macavity
Thanks for staying with this Not and David. And thanks too Tristan (though I know this is not to your taste - I have restored the phrase you like, but kept with the cliche). I've returned to the original title, but changed the intended victim :D

all the best

mac