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(Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Posted: Sat Feb 29, 2020 2:31 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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v2
Unsung

I wonder are they there
on some parallel road
where it hasn't rained,
thirsting and footsore
lost in their own tongue
listening to the music
of what didn't happen?



___________



I wonder if they are there,
on some parallel road
where it hasn't rained,
lost in their own tongue
listening to the music
of what didn't happen.


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Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Posted: Sat Feb 29, 2020 9:08 pm
by Jackie
Intriguing, Not. I wonder why you decided not to give it a title. Without one, I guess I’ll head for a parallel universe where “they” hear what’s in ours. I haven’t figured out yet how to get lost in your own tongue, though.

Jackie

Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 3:19 am
by Macavity
lost in their own tongue
Like the insularity of that.

Title options: Distance; No Bridges.

Some verb options:
I wonder if they stroll,
on some parallel road
where there's no rainfall,
lost in their own tongue
listening to the music
of what didn't happen.
Like this Not.

cheers

mac


Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 10:24 am
by Firebird
Hi Not,

I quite like it as it is. Think I’d prefer it a little more though if to had another element to build on what’s there, but without increasing the poem’s length. There’s a challenge.

Cheers,

Tristan

Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 11:55 am
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi Jackie, Mac, Tristan,
thanks for the read and responses.

Jackie, the lack of title wasn't deliberate, just could find one. I'm thinking, given Tristan's challenge (thanks Tristan!) of adding another element, but not increasing the length, that the title's the key. Dithering over 'Unsung'. (You're close in you're interpretation though, except they don't hear x, in their universe it didn't/doesn't happen there.)

Mac, thanks for title suggestions (vacillating as usual). Glad the 'insularity' appealed :)

Tristan, if the other element were the title, and the title were 'Unsung' would that do it? :)
(If you're lost in you own tongue, maybe you can't find the words (so are silent)? Or not :) )


Regards all, Not


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Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 3:16 pm
by Firebird
Hi Not,

The title could be another element but ‘Unsung’ doesn’t really add anything for me, but I’d wait and see what others think.

I can understand what you mean by ‘being lost in your own tongue’ (it could mean many things: lost/trapped in your own language, thoughts, words, culture), but I do find the rest of the poem a bit vague. I’d be happy for you to explain it though, and prove me wrong. I wanted an extra element to somehow ground the poem.

Cheers,

Tristan

Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 7:17 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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- revised, under supervision -

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Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 7:50 pm
by Firebird
It’s a big improvement, I think.

I still think a little help from Heaney would go a long way. A quote could give some context. Or maybe it’s not needed. Let see if anyone picks up on the intertextuality. I didn’t, but I think it’s a bit easier now.

Cheers,

Tristan

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2020 5:45 am
by Jackie
Not, my understanding of Unsung is that something ought to be sung. The direct question in line 1 is more involved in their cause, and "thirsting and footsore" altogether more sympathetic.

You seem to be championing the cause of these people, who are perhaps refugees; unlanded emigrants?

Jackie

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2020 12:42 pm
by NotQuiteSure
Firebird wrote:
Sun Mar 01, 2020 7:50 pm
Let see if anyone picks up on the intertextuality
Yes, there's no rush. And thanks for sticking with this one.

Regards, Not

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Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2020 2:51 pm
by bjondon
Removing the 'if' from L1 makes it stronger, less speculative.
Adding the footsore and thirsty line introduces an element of
pathos which for me diminishes the mystery and potential
of this - 'what didn't happen' carries an ominous weight, a sense of
some great disaster that might (easily?) have been avoided - It's
the contrast between that and the question of whether or not
it happened to rain on one patch of road that lifts this for me.

Heaney? Give us a clue (and possibly ignore all of the above).

Jules

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2020 3:31 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi Jules,
thanks for the read.

Ok, since you (and everyone else) asked,
here
https://www.ibiblio.org/ipa/poems/heaney/song.php

Let the derision begin ... :)

Regards, Not.


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Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2020 4:10 pm
by bjondon
That certainly complicates matters.
But not as pointlessly as I was expecting!
A new Heaney (for me) - the advantages of ignorance :)
Thank you
J

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2020 4:25 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi Jules,
you're welcome.

That certainly complicates matters.
- In a good way?
But not as pointlessly as I was expecting!
- a plus! Though enigmati.
A new Heaney (for me) - the advantages of ignorance :)
It's my only advantage.

Regards, Not

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Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:26 pm
by bjondon
Hi Not,
I'm still not sure of your intention, what it is 'they' don't hear.
For me Heaney's poem seems to include the voice of the unsung.
That phrase 'the music of what happens' apparently comes from a medieval text, one of the Fionn mac Cumhaill stories, so it need not lead directly to his poem.

Jules

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Posted: Fri Mar 06, 2020 12:57 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi Jules,
thanks for returning.
As someone (I forget who) once said
bjondon wrote:
Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:44 pm
Explaining a poem is I suppose an admission of failure
:)

Regards, Not


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