A Voice in the Light

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Namyh
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A Voice in the Light

Post by Namyh » Sat Jan 25, 2020 6:17 am

A Voice in the Light

Down the heavens, thru the clouds,
across the winds that churn the night,
the velvet darkness pins the sky
with stars of a silvern light.

At a gallop in the dark, the light rays come,
first the fast then behind come the slow.
They both reach the eyes at slight different times
and a Twinkle is their impacts aglow.

In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith
and a dim corner shows my old Courage lost
now lit by this messenger of Space.

And it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to me, Man the infinitely small,
that we are both the ends of a cosmic circle
not touching but embracing us all

and the unmeasured distance between us
is the breath of a heartbeat’s sigh
winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness
locked in the twinkling of an eye.

And in the silent and echoless vast uncertain
dim of some darkened night
when one star blinks and jumps great distance
straddled to a cosmic light
that hurtles the blackness of a million midnights
whose span is a chasmed sea,
If you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye,
it will speak to the dark in thee.


Namyh

Amadis
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Re: A Voice in the Light

Post by Amadis » Mon Jun 29, 2020 8:42 am

You have all the wonder of watching the stars here with this one.

There are a few places where the syllable count of the lines throws the rhythm off a bit.
Try reading it aloud, to hear where the rhythm falters.
Just some re-phrasing of some of the lines, like below, would help with that.
The end section could be shorter, perhaps trimmed to four lines to keep with the pattern that precedes it.
---

Down the heavens, thru the clouds,
across the winds that churn the night,
the velvet darkness pins the sky
with stars of silvern light.

At a gallop in the dark, the light rays come,
first the fast then behind, the slow.
They reach the eyes at different times
with a Twinkle in its glow.



In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith
and a dim corner shows my old Courage lost
now lit by this messenger of Space.

And it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to me, Man the infinitely small,
that we are both the ends of a cosmic circle
not touching but embracing us all

and the unmeasured distance between us
is the breath of a heartbeat’s sigh
winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness
locked in the twinkling of an eye.

And in the silent and echoless vast uncertain
dim of some darkened night
when one star blinks and jumps great distance
straddled to a cosmic light
that hurtles the blackness of a million midnights
whose span is a chasmed sea,
If you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye,
it will speak to the dark in thee.

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springchic1979
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Re: A Voice in the Light

Post by springchic1979 » Sun Aug 02, 2020 4:59 pm

I would have to say my favorite part was the ending of your poem. Listen for the light, and in the blink of an eye, it will speak to the dark in thee. A very 'impactful' ending in my opinion.

There was one spot that kinda got me...as it didn't really flow or make complete sense (to me):
and a Twinkle is their impacts aglow
but mainly the impacts aglow part

I did enjoy your poem. It formed a nice mental picture for me when reading it.
respectfully,
YDS

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Jackie
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Re: A Voice in the Light

Post by Jackie » Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:11 pm

I enjoyed reading this, Namyh. One thing about writing traditionally though, is that it doesn't leave you any leeway to play around with metrics and rhyme patterns. You look here like you're finding that too confining. Are you sure you don't want to venture into contemporary poetry?

Jackie

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