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Smoke

Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:06 am
by ton321
followed us in through the door,
was in our hair,
the strands of our clothes;

we were soaked in it like water
in a sponge, the kind
from burning tyes,

that fleeing armies make
in the middle east
out of spite

as they set another oilfield alight;
that hibernated in our being,
wintered out

for thaw, for spring,
bided its time like fog does
on some mornings.

Re: Smoke

Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 5:13 pm
by NotQuiteSure
.
Hi Tony,
not sure about this one.
L4 is a bit of a stumble, for me.
Maybe a more condensed version?


Smoke

the kind fleeing armies make
as they set another oilfield alight;

followed us in through the door,
hibernated in our being, wintered

for spring, for thaw, bided its time
like fog does, some mornings.


Regards, Not



.

Re: Smoke

Posted: Mon Jan 13, 2020 1:49 am
by Poet
I like it, really interesting, I like the imagery in here, I wouldn't change a thing.

Re: Smoke

Posted: Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:08 am
by ray miller
Enjoyed. It's true that the poem really becomes interesting at the third stanza. Maybe you could trim some of the opening.

Re: Smoke

Posted: Tue Jan 14, 2020 7:13 pm
by JJWilliamson
I also like it, Tony, and wondered if the final version might lie between Not's version and your own.

Enjoyed, especially second time round.

JJ

Re: Smoke

Posted: Wed Jan 15, 2020 2:17 pm
by bjondon
It's an odd last line. All the other stanzas end on two beats, this has two and a half or three, with that mushy word 'some'. It's a change of pace, a dying fall, so maybe it works.
That's my only stumble. There are two or three other disconnects in the flow of sense/grammar but they all work for me as discomforters, derangers - it all adds to the sense of paranoia, panic, something majorly wrong but not quite stated.
Typo on L6.
I'd be tempted to end it on
'for thaw, for spring.'
Jules

Re: Smoke

Posted: Sat Jan 18, 2020 5:06 pm
by ton321
Thanks Not, Poet, Ray for taking the time to have a look. JJ, you may be right, it needs to an alteration as the others have said. Thanks BJ for your comments, much appreciated! I'll bear the sense of rhythm in mind when I revise it
Tony

Re: Smoke

Posted: Sat Jan 25, 2020 6:01 am
by Namyh
Ton - It's strange the different smokes we go thru in life and how they stick to us even when you can no longer see them, I liked this one Ton. Namyh