The Mill

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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Sid
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The Mill

Post by Sid » Fri Nov 22, 2019 9:28 pm

Version 2

Words are carefully
Selected
like bait upon a hook
cast deep into the
River, which
narrowing flows
faster
more volatile
splashing
spilling
gushing to drive
The Mill.


Version 1

Words are carefully
Selected
like bait upon a hook
cast deep into the
River
in which
We all
swim.


Original

Words are carefully
Selected
like bait upon a hook
cast deep into the
River
in which
the reader
swims.
Last edited by Sid on Mon Dec 02, 2019 10:47 am, edited 3 times in total.
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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Firebird
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Re: No Title - abstract notion

Post by Firebird » Fri Nov 22, 2019 9:42 pm

IMO this is an overused image and in this context doesn’t really say a lot other than what is obvious. I think this poem would be better placed in the beginners forum and am moving it there.

Sorry I can’t be more positive.

Cheers,

Tristan

Sid wrote:
Fri Nov 22, 2019 9:28 pm
Words are carefully
Selected
like bait upon a hook
cast deep into the
River
in which
the reader
swims.

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Sid
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Re: No Title - abstract notion

Post by Sid » Sat Nov 23, 2019 10:19 am

All good Tristan.

Just an idea.

I’ve worked out how to post now on beginners!
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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Firebird
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Re: No Title - abstract notion

Post by Firebird » Sat Nov 23, 2019 10:25 am

Hi Sid,

I’m not saying you should post all your poems in beginners (although some excellent poets here, like Mac do post many there). Maybe just the ones you are less sure about.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: No Title - abstract notion

Post by bjondon » Sat Nov 23, 2019 1:15 pm

Hi Sid,
if you change 'the reader/ swims' to 'we swim'
it opens this out a bit more, makes the question of
who is doing the Selecting more dynamic.

A resonant old trope like this seems like a good
starting point for a poem to me.

Jules

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Sid
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Re: No Title - abstract notion

Post by Sid » Sat Nov 23, 2019 5:57 pm

Thanks Jules I agree and have changed accordingly.

I captured the verse exactly for the purpose to incorporate into a larger poem thus it had no title. I’m just blocked on where this could lead at the moment.

Any suggestions and I’ll be happy to write around where it could lead.
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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Re: No Title - abstract notion

Post by bjondon » Mon Nov 25, 2019 9:41 pm

Hi Sid . . . since you ask, I did have the thought
when first reading this - ok, if we plunged straight from here
into a vividly recounted real river experience that might work.
Jules

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Sid
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Re: The Mill - was prev No Title - abstract notion

Post by Sid » Thu Nov 28, 2019 10:36 am

Thanks Jules I have amended to incorporate into a bigger scene while remaining true to the intent of the creation of poetry.
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Re: The Mill - was prev No Title - abstract notion

Post by Macavity » Sun Dec 01, 2019 5:02 pm

River, which
narrowing flows
faster
more volatile
splashing
spilling
gushing to drive
The Mill.
Hi Sid,

Like the sense of process, the juxtaposition of nature/man-made, the dynamic of free flowing energy channelled into the discipline of output.

best

mac

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Re: The Mill - was prev No Title - abstract notion

Post by Sid » Sun Dec 01, 2019 7:27 pm

Thanks Mac
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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Post by MilesTugeau » Thu Dec 12, 2019 12:21 am

.
Last edited by MilesTugeau on Wed Jan 01, 2020 1:26 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: The Mill

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Dec 12, 2019 9:32 am

I'm a big fan of simplicity, Sid, but I did struggle with the turn in this one.

I felt certain you were heading for a hook/brook rhyme then found myself a bit puzzled
by the metaphor. I'm assuming writers are the mills. Quite a leap but not unfathomable.

Good idea and very interesting.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Post by MilesTugeau » Thu Dec 12, 2019 8:37 pm

.
Last edited by MilesTugeau on Wed Jan 01, 2020 1:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: The Mill

Post by sleepystupid » Sat Dec 14, 2019 11:16 am

hi Sid,

i like this - it reminds me of my first poem here (and everywhere i guess). there's some great advice in that thread on the challenges of "writing about writing". it too was a very short piece about losing to the "splashing, spilling, gushing" stream of thoughts and words: a poem violently revised and rewritten all the way back to a single thought.

in "The Mill" i also see a symbol for (and distinction in) improving one's craft to better convert creative entropy. art takes practice too.

version 2 was a great improvement on the original.


all the best, ss.

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