The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision5)

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Macavity
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The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Fri Oct 25, 2019 9:53 am

revision5


Marlowe, folded within crime
ridden pages, hurries along
the sidewalk, his fedora
pulled down tightly, diverts
the rain conniving its way
through the cracks in concrete.
He's looking for a limited edition
but finds the bookstore closing.

The girl's seeking distraction -
tired of being mum's fable,
that cradle of clean cutlery-
wearied by books words books
that dampen and mottle her pages-
she wants the bruised promise
of him, the colours of dirty rain.

The shadows thicken, ask the questions
in this film noir. For a shot of rye
the antiquarian removes her glasses.
You begin to interest me...vaguely
she answers.


-----------------------------------------------------------
revision4

Marlowe folded within crime
ridden pages, hurries along
the sidewalk, his fedora
pulled down tightly, diverts
the interrogation of rain
working on cracks in stone.

He's looking for a limited edition
but finds the bookstore closing.

The girl's seeking distraction -
tired of being mum's fable,
that cradle of clean cutlery-
tired of books words books-
she wants the bruised promise
of him, the colours of dirty rain.

The shadows thicken, ask the question.
You begin to interest me...vaguely
she answers.


revision3

His mind folded within crime
ridden pages, hurries along
the sidewalk, his fedora
pulled down tightly, diverts
the interrogation of rain
working on the cracks in stone.
He's looking for a limited edition
but finds the bookstore closing.
The girl's seeking distraction -
tired of of being mum's girl,
that cradle of clean cutlery-
tired of books words books-
she wants the bruised promise
of him, the colours of dirty rain.
The shadows thicken, ask the questions
in this film noir. For a shot of rye
the antiquarian removes her glasses.
You begin to interest me...vaguely
she answers.



=====================================

revision 2

Marlowe folded within crime
ridden pages, hurries along
the sidewalk, his fedora
pulled down tightly, diverts
the interrogation of rain
working on the cracks in stone.
He's looking for a limited edition
but finds the bookstore closing.

The girl's seeking distraction,
tired of books words books -
hears the colours of dirty rain.
The shadows thicken, ask the questions
in this film noir. For a shot of rye
the antiquarian removes her glasses.
You begin to interest me...vaguely
she answers.


============================================================

revision

Marlowe folded within crime
ridden pages, hurries along
the sidewalk, his fedora
pulled down tightly, diverts
the gumshoe drizzle conniving
its way through concrete.
He's seeking a limited edition
but finds the bookstore closing.
The girl's seeking distraction,
tired of books words books -
and that homespun fable of being
mum's girl, that cradle of clean
cutlery - she wants the bruised
promise of him, his cynic's smile,
the colours of dirty rain. The shadows
thicken, as always, ask the questions
in this film noir. For a shot of rye
the antiquarian removes her glasses.
You begin to interest me...vaguely
she answers.


original

Marlowe folded within crime
ridden pages, hurries down
the sidewalk, a fedora
tight over his sleepy eyes,
a gumshoe drizzle conniving
its way through concrete.
He's seeking a limited edition
but finds the bookstore closing.
The girl's seeking distraction,
tired of books words books -
that wedding gown pearled
with frost, that cradle of clean
cutlery - she wants the taut promise
of his scaffold kiss, his nettled smile,
the colours of dirty rain. The shadows
thicken, darken, crackle maybe's
in this film noir. For a shot of rye
the antiquarian removes her glasses.
You begin to interest me...vaguely,
she answers.
Last edited by Macavity on Sat Nov 09, 2019 5:12 am, edited 29 times in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Oct 25, 2019 1:40 pm

.
Hi mac,
much to like here, particularly the opening and 'cradle of clean cutlery' - but not the title :)
(though if you do keep is, perhaps replace 'The girl's' for 'She's' ?)

I think you could split this into two verses (break after 'closing) and while I'd suggest a couple
of minor tweaks to the first part

Marlowe folded within crime
ridden pages, hurries down
the sidewalk, a gumshoe
drizzle conniving its way
through concrete. fedora
brim pulled down. He's looking
for that limited edition
but finds the bookstore closing.

(the 'fedora' needs a better line)

the second half doesn't hold up, for me. 'pearled with frost' is a nice phrase, but doesn't fit
the piece, too 'poetic'/insufficiently 'hard-boiled' :) Likewise 'nettled smile'.


Regards, Not

.

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses

Post by Macavity » Fri Oct 25, 2019 3:23 pm

Thanks Not. I've started picking away at it. Agree with you on nettled, I think I was trying too hard on the 'hard boiled'. The 'poetic' was an intended contrast, but is not as inventive as the cutlery, so will sleep on that one.

cheers

mac

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision)

Post by ray miller » Fri Oct 25, 2019 5:21 pm

You've only the con of conniving in 2nd version. I'd try and avoid the repeat of seeking - "the girl is after distraction"?
The girl's tired of books, words, but then you bring in the wedding gown and cutlery - which I find confusing.
I don't understand "crackle maybe's".
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision)

Post by Macavity » Fri Oct 25, 2019 9:47 pm

Thanks Ray. I've tweaked some in light of your comments,
ray miller wrote:
Fri Oct 25, 2019 5:21 pm
You've only the con of conniving in 2nd version. I'd try and avoid the repeat of seeking - "the girl is after distraction"?
The girl's tired of books, words, but then you bring in the wedding gown and cutlery - which I find confusing.
I don't understand "crackle maybe's".

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Oct 26, 2019 10:37 am

.
Hi mac,
I think it's improved, but are you overdoing the second half?

For instance
that homespun fable of being
say all you need to say there, I think (as much as I like 'the cradle')
- though you could stretch it to ' ... being / a good girl ... '
similarly, couldn't you cut 'thicken, darken' and just leave
The shadows / brood on maybes ? (Should there really be an apostrophe there?)
and end on the ellipsis, or even 'glasses'?

(Still don't think the fedora line is right, don't you pull a hat down to shield eyes
from light, not rain?)

Would still press for 'She' instead of 'The girl', given 'He's seeking ...'
you end up with a He / She (and avoid repeating 'girl')


Regards, Not


.

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision)

Post by Macavity » Sat Oct 26, 2019 11:21 am

Thanks for revisiting Not. I've tweaked some, but may go for a more boiled down version at some point.

cheers

mac

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision2)

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Oct 29, 2019 6:18 am

It reminds me of an opening tease, mac, something to arouse the curiosity. I was left wondering about the girl and what it all means,
but in a good way. Rev 2 is easier to follow and the split helps..

Enjoyed.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Marlowe (revision3)

Post by Macavity » Tue Oct 29, 2019 6:36 am

It reminds me of an opening tease, mac, something to arouse the curiosity.
Thanks JJ. I suspect this is one where the write 'teases' the writer more than the reader :D

cheers

mac


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Re: Marlowe (revision3)

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Oct 29, 2019 6:55 am

And so it all fits neatly into place. I did wonder if this was a snippet but couldn't be sure.

You begin to interest me...vaguely :)

Actually, that's a cracking line.

An ekphrastic piece methinks. Good to see.

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Marlowe (revision3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Oct 29, 2019 1:55 pm

.
Hi mac,
yet another improvement, particularly L5 - but the opening loses its ambiguity and
now reads as if it is Marlowe's mind that's hurrying along the sidewalk, not Marlowe
himself. (Shouldn't he be crossing the street?)
I found myself wanting a name (La Brea or Sunset for instance) rather than sidewalk,
which could be used later, as in
working on the cracks / in the sidewalk's stories.

Just a thought

Marlowe folded within crime
ridden pages, dodges
traffic, crossing the street.
His fedora pulled down tightly,
diverts the interrogation
of rain working on the cracks
in the sidewalk's stories


Still think it would work better as two verses.

Not keen on the repetition of 'girl', maybe
tired of being dutiful
that cradle of clean cutlery
tired of words, of books, of words
(Given its origins, shouldn't it be 'This girl's seeking distraction'?)

Maybe 'promise' should be plural?
(not sure what it means that 'she wants the colours of dirty rain')

I think you should cut the 'film noir' reference, it undermines rather than enhances.
Maybe tweak the ending?

The shadows thicken, ask the questions
You begin to interest me...vaguely
she answers. For a shot of rye
the proprietress removes her glasses.


(Closed, for the rest of the Afternoon - as an alternative title?)


Regards, Not


.

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Re: Marlowe (revision3)

Post by Macavity » Wed Oct 30, 2019 7:24 am

Thanks for staying with this Not. I've used white space, though it releases the sense of constriction. I restored the title because how the world is perceived/filtered is an aspect of the poem. I've axed one of the 'girl' references ( I'm using girl to play with the 'age' implication of antiquarian).

thanks again

mac

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision4)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Oct 30, 2019 12:44 pm

.
Hi mac,
I see what you mean about the white spaces.
Maybe just the one after 'closing'?
(bit misleading isn't it, 'closing' :) why not 'empty' )

'fable/cradle' sounds good in this version.
(maybe 'weary' for 'tired'?)

I think L6 might be better as
working the cracks in the stone.

Restoring the original title is a good move, I much prefer it to 'Marlowe'.


Regards, Not


ps Do you think you'll ever put a comma after Marlowe? :)

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision4)

Post by bjondon » Wed Oct 30, 2019 5:57 pm

Of all the poetic strategies in all the poetry workshops of the world
this one has to be the strangest :)
At first I was completely flummoxed, but intrigued . . . scratch Chandler and you get Cartland -
could that be the point? … or could there be an Andrew Marlowe in there somewhere?
(I still think it would be nice to find a way of dragging him in somehow).
The clip, as JJ says, drops everything into place . . . in a way it all barrels backwards
from that wonderful spoken line.

Rev.4 and restoring the old title helps.
Rather than burble on endlessly I've compressed into a rewrite . . . hope you don't mind -

Marlowe, folded within crime
ridden pages, hurries along
the sidewalk; his fedora
pulled down tightly, rightly
diverting the rain's interrogation
of cracks in the concrete.

He's looking for a limited edition
but finds the bookstore closing.
She, the girl, is seeking distraction,
tired of being mum's fable -
that cradle of clean cutlery -
tired of books words books;
she wants the bruised promise
of him, the colours of dirty rain.

The shadows thicken, ask the questions
only film noir can ask:
You begin to interest me . . .vaguely
she answers.

Best,
Jules

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision4)

Post by Macavity » Wed Oct 30, 2019 11:22 pm

Okay you have the comma Not :D I've axed the second tired. Living with the spaces for now!

cheers

mac

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision4)

Post by Macavity » Wed Oct 30, 2019 11:27 pm

hi Jules,
It started with 'gumshoe rain', but that got lost in the edits! I think you're right in referencing the genre context so I've restored that signposting. That colon hooked me! Appreciate the insights - and 'ear'.

cheers

mac

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision5)

Post by ray miller » Fri Nov 01, 2019 2:36 pm

I think you should have kept "conniving", that was the best passage.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Fri Nov 01, 2019 10:55 pm

Thanks Ray. Duly restored.

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision5)

Post by Sid » Fri Nov 08, 2019 9:00 pm

Mac,

Love the imagery in this poem. Great work.

Why did you remove the title phrase from the end of the poem? I thought it conjured a great image.

Was there a comment I missed?
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Sat Nov 09, 2019 5:14 am

Pleased you enjoyed Sid. I've restored that image to the ending.

cheers

mac
Sid wrote:
Fri Nov 08, 2019 9:00 pm
Mac,

Love the imagery in this poem. Great work.

Why did you remove the title phrase from the end of the poem? I thought it conjured a great image.

Was there a comment I missed?

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision5)

Post by bjondon » Sat Nov 09, 2019 12:07 pm

Liking R5
The last line feels like an off beat (maybe the intention)
- I'd prefer 'comes her answer.'
I think a clearer nod to Bogart would help . . . even
a title change - Bogie Man?
Just musing really.
Jules

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision5)

Post by Sid » Sat Nov 09, 2019 4:59 pm

Perfect! (IMO)
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Sun Nov 10, 2019 5:49 am

Thanks for coming back Jules and Sid.

Appreciate the thumbs up Sid.

More for me to ponder on Jules :) I was more interested in the girl than Bogart so I don't want to weight the poem there. I'd be interested to read a Bogie Man write from Jules...a performance poem? :D

cheers

mac

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Re: The bookshop antiquarian removes her glasses (revision5)

Post by bjondon » Sun Nov 10, 2019 6:34 pm

Haha . . . challenge accepted! .. . see revised Shack-Kerouac
(+ with audio any time soon :) )
Jules

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