equinox (revision)

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riverrun
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equinox (revision)

Post by riverrun » Sun Aug 11, 2019 11:11 pm

it's so easy to get carried
away and why we shouldn't?
what is so essential about to
remain steady? which cycle
doesn't lose the course from
its source and which river
doesn't simply disappears
on its pale remembrance,
aside all lives in stand by
as if arise by weak force?
who said that to be or
not to be is enough?

(all the pavlov's bells resound)
some, ritgheous and furious,
protest and counterprotest at
rallies all over the country.
others unnoticed stay at home,
alone, with hoarding disorder,
apping on endless screens.

yes, nights no longer follow days,
the four seasons seem to retreat
and blend within intangible stages
of our overall mood; the time being
similar of things past, the urge for
public speeches almost equal to the
absolute silence.

poetry finally reachs its equinox,
its perfect equilibrium of shades:
days and nights exactly of same size,
not a inch out of place, the dactylic
hexameter now make a whole sense.
what we will do of full explanations?
what to do with crystalline certainties,
with pristine truths?

zeitgeists and utopias are still frail upon
late sunsets, the evening prone to failures.
fleeting emotions and penetrating stares
seem to supress entire sentences but
no one seems to care: nobody misses
the fading bliss at Sunday Masses nor
mind to bless despite all the absence.

when I wake up tomorrow
I won't dare to say out loud
that I dreamt of silly birds,
that I felt peace and freedom.
Last edited by riverrun on Thu Aug 22, 2019 6:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Macavity
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Re: equinox

Post by Macavity » Thu Aug 15, 2019 4:05 pm

Suspending my default comments on form, the following lines were highlights in my reading

aside all lives in stand by

alone, with hoarding disorder,


the four seasons seem to retreat

zeitgeists and utopias are still frail upon
late sunsets, the evening prone to failures.


that I dreamt with silly birds,
that I felt peace and freedom.


Obviously feelings feel more real, even fleeting ones :)

best

mac

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riverrun
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Re: equinox

Post by riverrun » Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:45 pm

No, you can keep criticizing. I really liked your posts. Made me wonder and they were always pertinent. Thanks for your comment.

best

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Luce
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Re: equinox

Post by Luce » Tue Aug 20, 2019 10:19 pm

riverrun wrote:
Sun Aug 11, 2019 11:11 pm
it's so easy to get carried
away and why we shouldn't?
what is so essential about to
remain steady? which cycle
doesn't lose the course from
its source and which river
doesn't simply disappears
on its pale remembrance,
aside all lives in stand by
as if arise by weak force?
who said that to be or
not to be is enough?

(all the pavlov's bells resound)
some, ritgheous and furious,
protest and counterprotest at
rallies all over the country.
others unnoticed stay at home,
alone, with hoarding disorder,
apping on endless screens.

yes, nights no longer follow days,
the four seasons seem to retreat
and blend within intangible stages
of our overall mood; the time being
similar of things past, the urge for
public speeches almost equal to the
absolute silence.

poetry finally reachs its equinox,
its perfect equilibrium of shades:
days and nights exactly of same size,
not a inch out of place, the dactylic
hexameter now make a whole sense.
what we will do of full explanations?
what to do with crystalline certainties,
with pristine truths?

zeitgeists and utopias are still frail upon
late sunsets, the evening prone to failures.
fleeting emotions and penetrating stares
seem to supress entire sentences but
no one seems to care: nobody misses
the fading bliss at Sunday Masses nor
mind to bless despite all the absence.

when I wake up tomorrow
I won't dare to say out loud
that I dreamt with silly birds,
that I felt peace and freedom.

when I wake up tomorrow
I won't dare to say out loud
that I dreamt with silly birds,
that I felt peace and freedom.


I love your closing lines. There's real emotion there because it contains a fresh image you can grasp.

Nevertheless, I want to substitute "of" for "with" in the third line.

I would also want a better image of the birds than just describing them as silly.

The rest of the poem, I'm sorry to say, was hard to digest. It contained too many cliche images like Pavlov's dogs / bells, a quote from Hamlet, et cetera or no imagery at all.

Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

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riverrun
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Re: equinox

Post by riverrun » Thu Aug 22, 2019 6:35 pm

Thanks I ll do the correction about the "with" and "of". Regarding the cliches they actually aren't. The arcane subject in Shakespeare work's can be found not infrequently on medieval astronomy which at that time was also close to medieval astrology. Equinox as we know is when the sun, in its apparent annual motion, cuts the celestial equator, making day and night equal in duration, but we know they are not exactly equal. But this doesn't matter actually. At his time, Shakespeare wasn't only a poet but the chronicler of his time, a journalist if we go too far... This implies that controversial issues could be debated on his stage. At Shakespeare's time we have Ptolemaic system (already well established on medieval Scholastic) versus the Copernicam system. Ptolemaic theory sugested the Earth was the center of everything and Copernican the Sun. In De Revolutionibus published in 1543, Nicholas Copernicus established the heliocentric system at the foundation of modern astronomy, the forebear of the theory of gravity and our modern knowledge of the universe wich Galileo amd Newton would subsequently expand. This piece provided a largely accurate description and measurement of the axial spin wobble that causes precession of the equinoxes. We know that Shakespeare was almost contemporary with Copernicus and if he not had access to Copernicus works he probably knew some implications even when he adopted the Ptolemaic system. But what any of this has anything with my poem? So I used the famous quote of Shakespeare as a landmark (as you noticed as a cliché) but the importance to me was the equinox (wich I used on the title) that breaks (at shakespeare's time) the entire Ptolemaic system into shreds, shifting all Medieval Scholastic conception of the Man as the center of all things. Probably the 1st western attempt to break jewish christian canon. We all know what happened with Copernicus. Shakespeare it's the poet of this change, the poet changing from a Ptolomaic system to a Copernican one. And all that, in part, because the equinox. Of course this may sound snobbish, pretentious and utopian but I think we are living something similar in terms of macro systemic perception -- let's use another cliché classic/quantum mechanics, etc... That's why I used the terms "silly birds" and "dream" to remind me that all these ideas and theories I made up late a night probably doesn't matter at all.

best

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