Kensal Town Evensong V4

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bjondon
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Kensal Town Evensong V4

Post by bjondon » Sun Jun 16, 2019 4:26 pm

clouds slide the evening sky

like sauce down a bottle

dregs of the long day

the bottle left up-

turned on the table

so slow

you wouldn't know





V3

Clouds slip the evening's high
So slow you wouldn't know

Parakeets streak by
Oi! Oi! is what they say

Balanced by me on its lid
My my my sauce bottle sky




V2

clouds slip the evening sky

so slow you wouldn't know


fast, a silhouette squad of parakeets

head for the canal


ketchup bottle

balanced on its lid




Idyll

clouds slide the evening sky

like sauce down a bottle

dregs of the long day

the bottle left up-

turned on the table

so slow you wouldn't know

unless you were sat there

staring
Last edited by bjondon on Sun Jun 30, 2019 10:05 am, edited 16 times in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Idyll

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Jun 16, 2019 5:29 pm

.
Hi Jules,
like this as a companion piece, though it feels a little thinner than the Aubade.
Again, maybe split into two parts?
Just a thought on the title Harlesden Evensong ? :)


clouds slip the evening sky

like sauce sliding down a bottle's neck

the long day's dregs.


the bottle left up-

turned on the table

so slow you wouldn't know

unless you were sat there

staring



The second section is the weakest, for me. Perhaps the location of the table needs to be specified,
some detail/colour, or, my preference, cut the first two lines of S2 and reintroduce a bird or two?
Also, doesn't the 'sauce down a bottle' imply slowness?

Regards, Not

.

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong (was Idyll)

Post by Poet » Mon Jun 17, 2019 1:02 am

Overall I didn't find anything wrong with this poem, by the way I am still a beginner at critiquing poetry so I am be useless to you. But anyway keep writing.

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong (was Idyll)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:41 am

.
Hi Jules,
like the revision and the title (you might switch 'Harlesden' to the Aubade, has a nice ring to it),
though I miss 'long day's dregs' (trying to figure out which building looks like a 'ketchup bottle ... ' )
My only real nit is with 'head', just seems a bit flat to me (might they be 'diving' ?)

Just a thought:

clouds slip the evening sky
so slow you wouldn't know

so swift, a silhouette of parakeets
head for the canal

you sit there
staring at the long day's dregs

ketchup bottle
balanced on its lid



Regards, Not.


.

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong (was Idyll)

Post by barrett » Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:15 am

I much prefer the original version, it has a sense ennui about it which I find appealing.

Really dislike the revision. The inclusion of the parakeets make it an entirely different poem. Whereas the sauce bottle was the main source of imagery in the original, in the revision it has just become a bizarre afterthought tacked onto the end.

All the best,
barrett

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V3

Post by bjondon » Tue Jun 18, 2019 4:21 pm

Thanks Not, Poet and barrett,
… this is why I hurl my first drafts up! …enjoying the
split opinions here.

Not - thanks for 'slip' which is definitely better
than 'slide', and 'Evensong' … though I'm a bit
wary of the C of E

Poet - I'm glad you liked the opening of V2 and
the canal line

barrett - I have put up a V3 which may well succeed in
horrifying both you and Not. Playing with slightness and
verbal impudence there is a real danger of either or
both teetering over into pretentiousness/tweeness.
I do agree that last couplet in V2 was floating too far adrift.
Glad you 'rescued' the first version.

Jules

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V3

Post by David » Tue Jun 18, 2019 6:50 pm

Jules, is the weird supersize text an integral part of the poem? Or can you - or I - bring it down a bit?

Great title. Only the original really works, I think, although I don't like the last two lines (which have gone in your revisions).

Cheers

David

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V4

Post by bjondon » Wed Jun 19, 2019 6:03 pm

Good point David. . . V's 2 and 3, failed soufflés,
somehow just not the right ingredients. And the
final two lines of V1 were essentially redundant.
Still debating slip v slide . . . 'slide' is in its way quite
ugly, but that works in its favour here . . . I think.
Jules

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V4

Post by Macavity » Sun Jun 23, 2019 3:08 am

Thumbs up on V4 Jules. slide rather than slip for me.

good one

mac

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V4

Post by barrett » Sun Jun 23, 2019 9:16 am

Works for me too, glad the parakeets have ceased to be! Definitely slide rather than slip, the long vowel is far more slidey.

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V4

Post by David » Sun Jun 23, 2019 10:00 am

Yes, slide rather than slip, but why is "down" missing from that line? It's a lovely image, though.

I don't know Kensal Town at all - or I don't think I do. I'll look it up.

I know it's very predictable of me - as is being very predictable - but I keep thinking of Waterloo Sunset. I don't mind that at all.

Cheers

David

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V4

Post by bjondon » Thu Jun 27, 2019 4:46 pm

Thanks mac, barrett and David - yes, that slip/slide
choice is a funny one. Glad you pushed me to make it
over the final fence.

Just a single comma here, as in Brent Aubade.

Waterloo - yes those old songs wash through my head too.
Falsely called 'British Miserabalism' - more constrained euphoria
I always think (cf Cure/Smiths).

The lack of 'down' - not keen on the repetition from L2 and
I think the lack somehow adds to its sneery quality.

I have a vague feeling there is a penultimate line missing -
so maybe not finished after all.
Jules

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V4

Post by David » Fri Jun 28, 2019 2:57 pm

bjondon wrote:
Thu Jun 27, 2019 4:46 pm
The lack of 'down' - not keen on the repetition from L2 and
I think the lack somehow adds to its sneery quality.

I have a vague feeling there is a penultimate line missing -
so maybe not finished after all.
Jules
Yes, well ... sometimes language just doesn't do what you want it to do. It's wilful like that. So who blinks first – you or language? This is the question. I’m not saying it has to be you. But it probably has to be you.

A penultimate line might help, I agree.

Still enjoying the image.

Cheers

David

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V4

Post by JJWilliamson » Sat Jul 06, 2019 3:57 pm

It reads like a depressing evensong, Jules, which surely must've been your intent. The extended metaphor
had me reaching for Wiki to see what all the fuss was about. I've seen worse! :)

Fascinating short piece.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V4

Post by bjondon » Sat Jul 06, 2019 9:13 pm

Thanks JJ - Like you I am intrigued by the strange gravitational
forces of the short form. This one actually started out as quite an
optimistic piece, but sauce will have its way.

David - I'm reasonably ok with this as it stands. Just dropping the comma,
and breaking the last line seemed to give it that extra sway.

Regards,
Jules

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Re: Kensal Town Evensong V4

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Jul 07, 2019 11:00 am

.
Hi Jules,

a little bit of tinkering.
Wondered if you could get away
with cutting 'bottle left'.


clouds slide

the evening sky

like sauce

down a bottle

dregs

of the long day

up-turned

on the table so

slow

you wouldn't know





alt:
down a bottle-

neck
dregs

of the long day



Regards, Not.


.

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