Looking for Satoshi

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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ton321
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Looking for Satoshi

Post by ton321 » Sat Jun 01, 2019 11:45 pm

Genesis Block,
time-stamped:
a water-mark,
zero hour-
creations spark.

Ghost-in-the-machine, bogey-man
of banks, and bankers, but an anarchists
wet-dream.

The trail's gone cold, dead.
Footprint has stopped in its tracks
as if you've been airlifted

from the face of the planet.

You're just lying low, you're on the trot.
Digitally speaking, or not.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Looking for Satoshi

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Jun 02, 2019 10:08 am

.
Hi Tony,
great idea. Though I would like to see more of the
'looking' that the title promises.


S1 - could L3 be cut?

S2 - if the reader knows who Satoshi is - and google
will easily reveal this, unless I got the wrong one :) -
then this verse isn't adding much.

S3 - shame 'trail' couldn't be substituted with 'chain'?

S4 - 'airlifted ...' great line, and would make a better
ending than the current one, I think. Better the mystery
than the almost clichéd S5.


Regards, Not


.

Joao
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Re: Looking for Satoshi

Post by Joao » Tue Jun 04, 2019 4:31 pm

Hi Tony, great subject, indeed. Def agree with Not that you could fit more into this -- I agree with his suggestions. I wonder if you couldn't also explore mining and coinage images and probe a bit more into his potential motivations... Just a thought.

Enjoyed!

ton321
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Re: Looking for Satoshi

Post by ton321 » Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:47 am

Hi Not, thanks for stopping by and the suggestions. I think it needs a bit/lot of work to it. Might leave it for a bit. Joao glad you liked it,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

bjondon
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Re: Looking for Satoshi

Post by bjondon » Sat Jun 08, 2019 1:30 pm

Hi Ton,
there's something missing from this, but I like
the machine rhythm - essence of the piece.
L4 'zero hour' breaks that back-weighted foot,
intentionally I'm sure, but it doesn't feel quite right to me - you could
add 'it's the' or 'you're the'?

The hyphens are good (links in the chain) but a bit inconsistent.
I wondered about the one between wet and dream and thought
air-lifted would work well. In fact I'd fullstop there and lose
the following 'from the face of the planet' which seemed unnecessary.

I liked 'anarchist's wet dream' but didn't get 'on the trot.

Best,
Jules

ton321
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Re: Looking for Satoshi

Post by ton321 » Tue Jun 11, 2019 11:32 pm

Hi Jules

"on the trot" is a cockney phrase for lying low, or on the run. Thanks for the comments/suggestions. The initial rhythm was the impetus of the piece so I will look at that, thanks for pointing that out.
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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