Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

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Macavity
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Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Wed Apr 24, 2019 7:17 pm

revision 2

The sign promises a lakeside view.
It is a pond. A tearful glint from mines.
The cafe offers filter or instant,
but no cappuccino. The girl's eager,
brings a toasted teacake to our table
because 'it is better hot'. Butter melts.
Her mum has picked bluebells to fill vases.
Spring stutters a breeze in the willows,
the willow warblers pulse leaves.
There's that trembling for beginnings.
Those blossoms nest in our eyes.



revised

The sign promises a lakeside view.
It is a pond. A watery glint from mines.
The cafe offers filter or instant coffee,
but no cappuccino. The girl's eager,
brings a toasted teacake to our table
because 'it is better hot'. Butter melts.
She has picked bluebells to fill vases.
Spring stammers a breeze in the willows,
the willow warblers pulse leaves.
There's that thirst for beginnings.
Those blossoms nest in our eyes.


original

The sign promises a lakeside view.
It is a pond. A watery glint from mines.
The cafe offers filter or instant coffee,
but no cappuccino. The girl's eager,
brings a toasted teacake to our table
because 'it is better hot'. Butter melts.
She has picked bluebells to fill vases.
Spring stammers a breeze in the trees,
the willow warblers pulse leaves.
There's that thirst for beginnings.
Those blossoms nest in our eyes.
Last edited by Macavity on Fri May 10, 2019 8:40 pm, edited 7 times in total.

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Post by bjondon » Thu Apr 25, 2019 1:13 pm

The lyrical weariness, the gear changes, the stubborn hope
do remind me of Roethke. I read it to mum and she laughed
in all the right places!
Jules

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Post by Macavity » Thu Apr 25, 2019 7:55 pm

Insightful reading as always. Thanks Jules. Pleased your mum laughed in all the right places! :) Any particular Roethke in mind?

best

mac

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Post by Gorgonshead » Fri Apr 26, 2019 9:55 am

I just woke this morning with an itching
tip-of-the-tongue feeling of joy at a dream I had dreamt.

Your poem scratched the itch.
"a thirst for beginnings" named that feeling.
The scene so crisp and clear, like you dreamt my dream.

For me, this is what poems are for.

Thanks for posting it.

Peter L

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Post by bjondon » Fri Apr 26, 2019 3:17 pm

Roethke certainly runs the gamut but I'm beginning
to doubt the poem I had in mind is by him . . . It's about a guy
sitting on a hillside looking at the sun glinting gold off
horseshit on the opposite side of the valley . . . it's drowsy
and beautifully written and then deliciously thrown away in the
last almost petulant line . . . it also had a ridiculously long title pretty much describing the poem
before you get to it . . . any ideas?
Jules

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Post by Macavity » Fri Apr 26, 2019 3:54 pm

Nice one Peter. This is what makes putting a poem out there worthwhile.

all the best

mac
Gorgonshead wrote:
Fri Apr 26, 2019 9:55 am
I just woke this morning with an itching
tip-of-the-tongue feeling of joy at a dream I had dreamt.

Your poem scratched the itch.
"a thirst for beginnings" named that feeling.
The scene so crisp and clear, like you dreamt my dream.

For me, this is what poems are for.

Thanks for posting it.

Peter L

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Post by Macavity » Fri Apr 26, 2019 3:55 pm

maybe

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... -minnesota
bjondon wrote:
Fri Apr 26, 2019 3:17 pm
Roethke certainly runs the gamut but I'm beginning
to doubt the poem I had in mind is by him . . . It's about a guy
sitting on a hillside looking at the sun glinting gold off
horseshit on the opposite side of the valley . . . it's drowsy
and beautifully written and then deliciously thrown away in the
last almost petulant line . . . it also had a ridiculously long title pretty much describing the poem
before you get to it . . . any ideas?
Jules

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Post by bjondon » Fri Apr 26, 2019 6:28 pm

Brilliant! - the very one . . . it's a while since I've read that
. . . I wonder where? Knew I was asking the right man :)
The other four on that site are pretty good too.
Thanks mac.
J

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Post by Firebird » Sun Apr 28, 2019 9:23 am

I think it’s great Mac. I especially like the final line. Will be back with a crit tonight if I can find anything which I think will help improve the poem further.

Cheers,

Tristan
Macavity wrote:
Wed Apr 24, 2019 7:17 pm
The sign promises a lakeside view.
It is a pond. A watery glint from mines.
The cafe offers filter or instant coffee,
but no cappuccino. The girl's eager,
brings a toasted teacake to our table
because 'it is better hot'. Butter melts.
She has picked bluebells to fill vases.
Spring stammers a breeze in the trees,
the willow warblers pulse leaves.
There's that thirst for beginnings.
Those blossoms nest in our eyes.

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision)

Post by Firebird » Mon Apr 29, 2019 9:44 am

Hi Mac, I think ‘willows’ at the end of L8 is an improvement, but not totally convinced by the repetition of ‘willow’ in the next line. ‘Willow warbler’ sounds nice, but I think ‘warbler’ would do, as it’s implied the bird is a ‘willow warbler’ from the line before I think. Maybe I’m knit picking. I’m not sure. It’s a good poem anyway.

Cheers,

Tristan

revised

The sign promises a lakeside view.
It is a pond. A watery glint from mines.
The cafe offers filter or instant coffee,
but no cappuccino. The girl's eager,
brings a toasted teacake to our table
because 'it is better hot'. Butter melts.
She has picked bluebells to fill vases.
Spring stammers a breeze in the willows,
the willow warblers pulse leaves.
There's that thirst for beginnings.
Those blossoms nest in our eyes.

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Apr 29, 2019 12:48 pm

.
Hi mac,
the only real weakness for me, is L9: would you really lose that much by cutting it entirely?

Dropping down several notches:

I think you could lose 'coffee' from L3, it's strongly implied.

Perhaps 'girl is' (L4) then 'it's better' (L6) ?

'Toasted teacake 'seems to be tiptoeing perilously close to cliché.

Do you need 'to fill vases'? Again, strongly implied.

Would have preferred it as couplets, allow a little bit of room for things to breathe.

Just me, I'm sure :) but 'nest in our eyes' makes me flash on
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/scie ... 62761.html

Just a thought:

The sign promises a lakeside view.
It is a pond. A watery glint from mines.

Spring stammers a breeze in the willows,
The cafe offers filter or instant,

but no cappuccino. The girl is eager,
brings a toasted teacake to our table

because 'it's better hot'. Butter melts.
She has picked bluebells for the vases.

blossoms nest in our eyes.
There's that thirst for beginnings.



Regards, Not.



.

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Tue Apr 30, 2019 6:27 am

Many thanks Tristan and Not. I have incorporated some of your thoughts . Tweaked a little here and there.
think ‘willows’ at the end of L8 is an improvement, but not totally convinced by the repetition of ‘willow’ in the next line. ‘Willow warbler’ sounds nice, but I think ‘warbler’ would do, as it’s implied the bird is a ‘willow warbler’ from the line before I think.
The willow warbler is a migrant and I quite like the 'marriage' of tree/bird.
I think you could lose 'coffee' from L3, it's strongly implied.
I quite like the sonic balance of the original, but I have edited for now.
'Toasted teacake 'seems to be tiptoeing perilously close to cliché.
That bit is factual.

all the best

mac

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

Post by Perry » Fri May 03, 2019 7:57 pm

Macavity wrote:
Wed Apr 24, 2019 7:17 pm
revision 2

The sign promises a lakeside view.
It is a pond. A watery glint from mines.
The cafe offers filter or instant,
but no cappuccino. The girl's eager,
brings a toasted teacake to our table
because 'it is better hot'. Butter melts.
Her mum picked bluebells to fill vases.
Spring stammers in the willows,
the willow warblers pulse leaves.
There's that thirst for beginnings.
Those blossoms nest in our eyes.
I never commented on this poem because I don't really get it. But since you frequently comment on my poems, I feel obliged to say something. The poem seems to be expressing an attitude of ennui or restlessness. The title and the final line are the portions that throw me. I don't know what the title means (is that a sign?), and the image of flowers "nesting" in one's eyes doesn't speak to me. For that matter, I don't understand the signifance of many of the other details. Since so many other people like the poem, I'm not going to suggest any changes. I think you should just take my reaction as an indication that the poem will leave some people cold.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Fri May 03, 2019 8:36 pm

I never commented on this poem because I don't really get it. But since you frequently comment on my poems, I feel obliged to say something
That's ok Perry. There's no obligation. I quite like some of your writing and comment on that, but not everything you write is to my taste.

The place I visited:

https://www.caerphilly.gov.uk/Things-To ... Cwm-Darran

best

mac

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

Post by Perry » Fri May 03, 2019 9:54 pm

Ah, Welsh, that explains a lot. I'm not going to try to pronounce "Cwmllwydrew". I'm guessing that some of those consonants function as vowels in Welsh. I thought I was looking at abbreviations on a sign.

My family carries some Welsh blood.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

Post by ton321 » Sat May 04, 2019 12:04 am

Hi Mac

I like the way you build up to the last line/punchline of the piece. The second to last line seems a bit awkward though maybe replace thirst with something else, need maybe. Enjoyed
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Sun May 05, 2019 4:00 am

ton321 wrote:
Sat May 04, 2019 12:04 am
Hi Mac

I like the way you build up to the last line/punchline of the piece. The second to last line seems a bit awkward though maybe replace thirst with something else, need maybe. Enjoyed
Tony
Thanks Tony. It was a thread back to coffee drinking as well as a theme signpost. The latter intentionally telly, but I take your point. It is ordinary.

cheers

mac

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

Post by Leaf » Mon May 06, 2019 6:15 pm

Hi Mac,

I'm Leaf and I've only just arrived at Poets' Graves. I hope you don't mind a newbie comment :-)

Well, this is very engaging. I'd like to visit Parc Cwm Darran!

I don't have much to add to the comments, two revisions in. But would you consider 'Her mum has picked bluebells' in line 7? The 'has' from 'She has picked bluebells' in earlier versions seems to have been dropped, but there might've been a reason for that.

I'm not sure what the willow warblers are doing, but no one else has questioned that so perhaps I've missed something (happens!).

Overall, really enjoyable!
Leaf

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Mon May 06, 2019 9:25 pm

Thank you Leaf. Welcome to the forum. I will reinstate 'has'. The warblers are migrant birds and so their return brings song and life to the trees (well that was my intention in the writing :) )

cheers

mac
Leaf wrote:
Mon May 06, 2019 6:15 pm
Hi Mac,

I'm Leaf and I've only just arrived at Poets' Graves. I hope you don't mind a newbie comment :-)

Well, this is very engaging. I'd like to visit Parc Cwm Darran!

I don't have much to add to the comments, two revisions in. But would you consider 'Her mum has picked bluebells' in line 7? The 'has' from 'She has picked bluebells' in earlier versions seems to have been dropped, but there might've been a reason for that.

I'm not sure what the willow warblers are doing, but no one else has questioned that so perhaps I've missed something (happens!).

Overall, really enjoyable!
Leaf

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Re: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)

Post by Leaf » Tue May 07, 2019 6:22 pm

You're welcome, mac; thanks for your kind words, and I'm pleased you can make use of my suggestion.

Thanks also for your explanation of the warblers. Sorry I didn't get the right meaning initially; I understand it now and I think the poem provides a beautiful spring scene. I'm also feeling hungry for toasted teacakes! :-)

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