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Ferret

Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2019 11:09 pm
by ton321
Revision 1

I can still feel four clawed feet
on my shoulder, the snout stuck straight out,
with a tail stiff as a brush behind. Balancing.

Once out of its cage
and in the kitchen, it did the War Dance,
jumped up and down
-yip yip yip
mouth opening and closing
moving its head from side to side,
the deadly white teeth showing.

For days afterwards the kitchen would smell
of unspayed ferret. Pungent and sharp.
And I was to blame. But
it was worth it-
the smell of excitement, of release.
The smell of the yip yip yip.



Revision

I can still feel four clawed feet
on my shoulder, the snout stuck straight out,
with a tail stiff as a brush behind. Balancing.

Once out of its cage,
and in the kitchen, it did the War Dance,
jumped up and down
-yip yip yip
mouth opening and closing
moving its head from side to side,
the deadly white teeth showing.

For days afterwards the kitchen would smell
of unspayed ferret. Pungent and sharp.
And I was to blame.
But it was worth it.
the smell of excitement, of release.
-the smell of the yip yip yip.



Original


I can still feel its four clawed feet
on my shoulder, its snout stuck straight out,
its tail stiff as a brush behind. Balancing.

When I let it out of its cage
into the kitchen, it did the War Dance.
It would jump up and down
-yip yip yip
its mouth opening and closing
moving its head from side to side,
its deadly white teeth showing.

For days afterwards the kitchen would smell
of unspayed ferret. Pungent and sharp.
And I was to blame. But
it was worth it.
It was the smell of excitement, of release.
It was the smell of the yip yip yip.

Re: Ferret

Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2019 2:58 am
by Charles
I liked this a lot ton,

Great use of sonics and meter - I can really imagine the scene of the over-excited animal.

closing/showing is perfect in the context of "moving his head from side to side".

Nice work.

Re: Ferret

Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:21 am
by NotQuiteSure
.
Hi Tony,
enjoyed this, especially 'the kitchen would smell
of unspayed ferret' and the ending: but, for me,
there are far too many instances of 'it' and they
all detract from the final three lines.

Just a suggestion:


I can still feel four clawed feet
on my shoulder, brush-stiff tail,
snout stuck out. Balancing.

When I uncaged it in the kitchen,
head moving from side to side,
deadly white teeth showing. War Dance.

For days afterwards the place would smell
of unspayed ferret. And I was to blame.
But it was worth it.

It was the stink of excitement,
the aroma of release. It was the scent
of the yip yip yip.


Regards, Not.

.

Re: Ferret

Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2019 12:06 am
by ton321
Charles- thanks for commenting glad you liked it.
Not, I did think that there were to many "its" when i wrote it, thanks for the suggestion.

Tony

Re: Ferret

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2019 7:51 am
by JJWilliamson
Yes, I enjoyed this one, too, Tony.

I think Not has a point about all those "its". A bit of judicial shuffling should tame them a bit.

Interestingly, once I decided to ignore them the poem soared.

Good read with an interesting metaphor.

Best

JJ

Re: Ferret

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:38 pm
by bjondon
Great poem Tony. Loved the different weight
given to the two 'yip yip yip's. 'Balancing' as a
one word sentence. Really well put together.
Don't mind the its.
Jules

Re: Ferret

Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 9:18 pm
by ton321
Hi JJ, Bj,

Been away-otherwise i would have replied earlier, sorry about that. Glad you liked it, and ill post a revision, esp if it soars :D , thanks jj,

Tony

Re: Ferret

Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:07 pm
by HonourStedman
Great poem this,Tony, and the only change I would recommend is replacing the first line of the second verse with, "Once out of its cage," instead of your line, "When I let it out of its cage."

Re: Ferret

Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2019 5:50 pm
by ton321
Hi Honour
Thanks for stopping by and glad you liked it. Your suggestion is better than the original line, I'll include it into the piece, thanks
Tony

Re: Ferret

Posted: Wed May 01, 2019 4:35 am
by Macavity
Excellent Tony. The sense of animal release, in animal and human, is felt in the narrator and translated to the reader.

best

mac

Re: Ferret

Posted: Fri May 03, 2019 10:33 pm
by ton321
Thanks Mac for the thumbs up!

Re: Ferret

Posted: Sat May 04, 2019 4:56 pm
by bjondon
Good workshopping! … especially the touch
on L4.
L1 - I'd put the 'its' back here, softening the alliteration a bit.
S2 - all good
S3 - I liked the 'But' up on L13 , it seemed to
give that whole sentence better pacing and impact.
L15 - I'd restore 'It was' - it places it more firmly as
memory, cherished and pungent.
Then capital on 'The' (last line).
Jules

Re: Ferret

Posted: Sat May 04, 2019 7:00 pm
by David
Nicely done, Tony. I like the picture, and the revised ending is an improvement. Although part of me says that the repetition of "it" mirrored - or echoed - the yips, in a way.

Cheers

David

Re: Ferret

Posted: Mon May 06, 2019 6:18 pm
by Leaf
Hi Tony,

Newbie here, commenting on your poem. I hope that's okay with you :-)

This is just great. I get the sense of a childhood memory and I really like the details. I even felt a ferret on my shoulder for a while!

You could delete the comma after 'cage', maybe? Just a small suggestion. And 'the' in your penultimate line could be in upper case. But these are really small things. The 'yip yip yip' is brilliant and there's a real liveliness about the poem.

Yip yip yip!
Leaf

Re: Ferret

Posted: Thu May 09, 2019 10:22 pm
by ton321
Bj- I've incorporated a few of your suggestions. I think you are right about the last line esp. needing it to be capitalized. Kind of summarizes the piece better.
David, thanks for the comments. I might pop a few more "its" in before I'm through.
Leaf, glad you liked it. I think you are right about the comma not being needed.