Interplanetary Love (revision 5)

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JJWilliamson
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Interplanetary Love (revision 5)

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Apr 07, 2019 3:48 pm

Revision 5

If distance
was an emotion
I could touch you
with one


thought



Revision 4

If love equated to distance
the universe would be universally accessible
and you would always be here
and I would always be there

Revision 3

If distance was love
I could reach your planet
with one thought

Revision 2

If distance was an emotion
I could reach your plane
with one thought

Revision 1

If distance was an emotion
I could reach out and touch
your lips as you sleep

Original

If distance was an emotion
then the universe would be universal
and you would always be there.
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Interplanetary Love

Post by Macavity » Mon Apr 08, 2019 2:30 am

Hi JJ

I'm not getting the emotion, probably because of my tastes in poetry!

best

mac

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Re: Interplanetary Love

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Apr 08, 2019 6:59 am

Thanks, mac

No prob's at all.

It's a shot in the dark, an aphorism/adage/thought about time and space. It hints at how distance can't diminish a genuine emotion, even when it's on a galactic scale. It simply throws a question out there, into the great void for consideration. Is it poetry? I doubt it, but if distance equated to emotion we would/could never be parted. However, it's a stretch because no such equation exists. The hidden emotion in this piece is one of longing and aching, where the speaker is stymied by distance, so in his desperation he reaches for an impossible formula. Love, of course, is an abstract concept, and so is the speaker's initial thought. This kind of poem probably needs much more to engage the reader and could easily be seen as proverbial nonsense. :)

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JJ
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Re: Interplanetary Love

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Apr 08, 2019 11:53 am

.
Hi JJ,
like the idea of this as an equation - something like this?


Were distance proportional (inversely) to emotion
then,
wherever in the universe I searched, there you would be.


(Or have I horribly misunderstood?)

Regards, Not.



.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sat Jul 27, 2019 1:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Interplanetary Love

Post by Boat » Mon Apr 08, 2019 1:41 pm

If distance was an emotion
then the universe would be universal
and you would always be there.

Sorry, JJ, I don't get it.

The second line. Isn't the universe already universal?

The last line. A person or thing is already always there in your mind's eye. In this regard no distance can separate you from another. It's your memories.
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Mon Apr 08, 2019 11:53 am
.
Hi JJ,
like the idea of this as an equation - something like this?


Were distance proportional (inversely) to emotion
then,
wherever in the universe I searched, there you would be.

.
If this were true there would be no need to search as the person would always be right there with you. Your statement, Not, equates to the person being everywhere at the same time. I can think of only one entity that has been described this way before.

Regards.

Pat.
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Re: Interplanetary Love

Post by bjondon » Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:07 pm

Hi JJ,
brilliant title . . . What happens if this is made declamatory
e.g. 'Sister dear . . .'? It just feels there is a strongly felt recipient and
it might gain from being more directional . . . It somehow reminds me
of WS's dark lady
Jules

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Re: Interplanetary Love

Post by David » Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:15 pm

I like the idea of distance being an emotion - there's the makings of a nice little equation there - but I don't think your next two lines develop that idea. So either you change them or you change the opening. But I like the opening.

Cheers

David

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Re: Interplanetary Love

Post by Joao » Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:48 pm

Hi JJ, the first line says a lot and well, I think: the lover's hopeless attempt to humanise an indifferent universe. The difficulty, I suppose, is developing this conceit. What if distance were an emotion? I suppose the universe would then be compassionate (is that where you were going in L2?). How would that play out, though? Perhaps introducing 'time', this other universal (and romantically significant) unit could make the equation more interesting.

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Re: Interplanetary Love

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Apr 09, 2019 5:32 pm

Thank you very much, Not, Pat, Jules, David and Joao, for the great replies.
I'm actually very pleased with all the suggestions because the idea was just floating around my brain (a Dodgy place).
The idea of developing this further appeals to me and I'll keep the logic of your replies close to hand during revisions.

Upping the ante on the rhetoric sounds like a good idea, particularly, but I'll see how it develops.

I was using 'universal' in the context of all-inclusive, where we simply reach out to experience the real thing. I think.
Only the elves value memories for they are as deeply felt as human experiences and needs.. JRR Tolkien.

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JJ
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Re: Interplanetary Love

Post by Firebird » Wed Apr 10, 2019 6:41 pm

Hi JJ, I like the initial intent - the synethesia - of this poem, but don’t think it is delivered upon in the next two lines.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Interplanetary Love

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Apr 11, 2019 7:50 am

I'm with you there, Tristan. Revision in the offing.

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JJ
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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 2)

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 13, 2019 3:58 am

If distance was an emotion
then the universe would be universal
and you would always be there.
I could reach out and kiss
those eyes as you sleep.
Just throwing an option your way, though your intention - plane/thought maybe more idea driven. Either way I don't see the neccessity of the three line conciseness.

hope that helps some

best

mac

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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 2)

Post by JJWilliamson » Wed Apr 17, 2019 8:56 am

Thanks for the suggestion, mac. Appreciated.

Yes, that's a fair point. The three liner is a bit limiting and for no good reason, other than compression of thought.

Best

JJ
Macavity wrote:
Sat Apr 13, 2019 3:58 am
If distance was an emotion
then the universe would be universal
and you would always be there.
I could reach out and kiss
those eyes as you sleep.
Just throwing an option your way, though your intention - plane/thought maybe more idea driven. Either way I don't see the neccessity of the three line conciseness.

hope that helps some

best

mac
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 2)

Post by HonourStedman » Wed Apr 17, 2019 4:20 pm

Dear JJ, judging by your prose explanation of what you are seeking to express in your short poem and the difference between the versions of the poem you have so far written, I feel that you are still not quite ready to distill what you are seeking in such a minimal format. I reckon that further work could result in a tiny miracle of poetry, so don't give up on this one.

Honour

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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 2)

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Apr 21, 2019 7:02 am

Thank you very much, Honour, for your delightfully sensitive critique to this effort.

Part of me quite likes all three versions and I might just try to tie them together in some way. Three tercets might work.

I think you're right because it does feel like I'm knocking on the door of something worthwhile.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 3)

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Jul 09, 2019 7:53 am

Revised, probably for the last time. :)

JJ
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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 3)

Post by twoleftfeet » Tue Jul 09, 2019 9:52 am

Hello JJ,

I like all 4.
Shame to ditch any of them,imho.
Could you not at least play around with them for a while by changing what distance is being compared to? ?

If distance was a theory(?) >>> thought
If distance was a sensation(?) >>> reach out and touch

Is this too soppy?

If distance was love
I could reach your planet (or sun?)
in a heartbeat


TLF
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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 3)

Post by David » Tue Jul 09, 2019 4:46 pm

I like what you're trying to say, JJ, but I still don't think you're saying it. The first line is, again, very arresting, but sets up a conundrum that the next two lines don't solve.

If distance was love ...

It's arresting, but it doesn't give you a lot to play with. Distance and love are a forbidding and unpromising combination.

Let me think about that for a while.

Cheers

David

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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 3)

Post by twoleftfeet » Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:32 pm

David wrote:
Tue Jul 09, 2019 4:46 pm
I like what you're trying to say, JJ, but I still don't think you're saying it. The first line is, again, very arresting, but sets up a conundrum that the next two lines don't solve.

If distance was love ...

It's arresting, but it doesn't give you a lot to play with. Distance and love are a forbidding and unpromising combination.

Let me think about that for a while.

Cheers

David
Good point,David.

Maybe change the title along the lines of- "If worlds/galaxies/stars could be bridged by..".?

Probably defeats the initial concept. Bah!

Hopeless Romantic at heart
otherwise Grumpy Old Sod

EDIT: didn't meant to hijack your thread,JJ
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 3)

Post by bjondon » Tue Jul 09, 2019 10:06 pm

When you first posted this piece JJ it struck me as oddly perplexing, the 'logic' outrageously dumb, even intuitively unconfigurable.
But now I get it!
It is pure and simply a love letter, of great intensity and interestingl enough, that intensity seems to decrease each time you attempted to make it more sensible.
So I much prefer the original, with one reservation about the 'and' clause.
One way to sidestep that would be to simply repeat L1, thusly
If distance was an emotion
then the universe would be universal
If distance was an emotion
then you would always be there


The love could be romantic, or for a child, a parent, sibling or friend.
I like the way it plays with notions of metaphysical poetry, makes a nonsense of them, reinvents them.
L1 is basically a flabbergasting category error - to compare 'feeling' with empirical measurement (but also in a way the whole project of poetry).
The 'if' is the yearning, the fundamental belief/feeling that love is so real, so absolute, it must surely transcend mere distance and time.
The N is demanding immortality, is aligning his beloved with a universal here-and-everywhere 'eternal' indestructability (which also happens to be the current model of quantum matter) [he says authoritatively!]
So it's a nonsense, but simultaneously (and indeed by virtue of that) a wonderful testament of love . . . so, a weirdly persuasive nonsense!

Jules

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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 3)

Post by Poet » Fri Jul 12, 2019 2:05 am

I like it, very informative.

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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 3)

Post by JJWilliamson » Sat Jul 13, 2019 1:44 pm

I wonder if I'm trying to say that the universe would be universally accessible, if only love equated to distance. Have I already said that? :)

Thank you once again, TLF, David, Jules and Poet, for the brilliant comments. Some very interesting replies to mull over.

I'm drifting back towards the original and might do as you suggest, Geoff, by combining a couple to make the whole.

Yes, that's the feeling I'm left with too, David.
bjondon wrote:
Tue Jul 09, 2019 10:06 pm
When you first posted this piece JJ it struck me as oddly perplexing, the 'logic' outrageously dumb, even intuitively unconfigurable.
But now I get it!
It is pure and simply a love letter, of great intensity and interestingl enough, that intensity seems to decrease each time you attempted to make it more sensible. ...That's it, Jules!! An intense love letter that weakens with successive revisions.
So I much prefer the original, with one reservation about the 'and' clause.
One way to sidestep that would be to simply repeat L1, thusly
If distance was an emotion
then the universe would be universal
If distance was an emotion
then you would always be there
...That's a clincher for me and similar to my version at the top of this reply.

The love could be romantic, or for a child, a parent, sibling or friend.
I like the way it plays with notions of metaphysical poetry, makes a nonsense of them, reinvents them.
L1 is basically a flabbergasting category error - to compare 'feeling' with empirical measurement (but also in a way the whole project of poetry).
The 'if' is the yearning, the fundamental belief/feeling that love is so real, so absolute, it must surely transcend mere distance and time.
The N is demanding immortality, is aligning his beloved with a universal here-and-everywhere 'eternal' indestructability (which also happens to be the current model of quantum matter) [he says authoritatively!]
So it's a nonsense, but simultaneously (and indeed by virtue of that) a wonderful testament of love . . . so, a weirdly persuasive nonsense! ...The most convincing argument for metaphysical poetry that I've ever read. You've definitely got it, Jules.

Here's one possibility:

If love equated to distance
the universe would be universally accessible
and you would always be there.


Jules
Thanks poet. Pleased it "informed".

Best to all

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

Leaf

Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 3)

Post by Leaf » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:05 pm

Hi JJ,

I think the possibility you provide in your response to Jules is most in keeping with what you wish to express. I seem to have forgotten most of my metaphysics, but I can suggest replacing 'there' with 'here' and maybe 'universally accessible' with 'all accessible', unless that simplifies things :? (not sure)

Best wishes,
Leaf

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Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 3)

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Jul 15, 2019 7:51 am

Thanks, Leaf, for the kind and helpful comments. Appreciated.
Leaf wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:05 pm
Hi JJ,

I think the possibility you provide in your response to Jules is most in keeping with what you wish to express. ...Ah, now that's interesting. I'll take another look. I'm slowly coming back to a double strophe format but something keeps holding me back. I was drawn to the original notion of concision and I'm struggling to drag myself away from that commitment. I'll place it up there to see how it looks.

I seem to have forgotten most of my metaphysics, but I can suggest replacing 'there' with 'here' ...I like that thought and the subtle difference it makes.
and maybe 'universally accessible' with 'all accessible', unless that simplifies things :? (not sure) ...I initially quite enjoyed the wordplay, so I'll have to think about it some more.

Best wishes,
Leaf
Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

Leaf

Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 4)

Post by Leaf » Mon Jul 15, 2019 6:11 pm

You're welcome, JJ :)

I didn't think I was being particularly helpful, so I'm pleasantly surprised to have been of use. I felt most confident in suggesting 'here' in place of 'there' and I think your new fourth line provides a rounder finish to the poem. That said, to make it more concise, you could end with something about 'we'... although the sense of separation might be lost there. It's tricky!

Best wishes,
Leaf

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