Getting One's Affairs In Order (Revision 2 formerly Cognitions)

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Mirrorball
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Getting One's Affairs In Order (Revision 2 formerly Cognitions)

Post by Mirrorball » Sat Sep 08, 2018 8:17 pm

IMG_20180910_205054.jpg
IMG_20180910_205054.jpg (162.04 KiB) Viewed 1809 times
One day
One table
One rope
One chair

One rope
One table
One chair
One day

One table
One chair
One rope
One day

One day
One table
One chair
One rope

******************

Revision 1

one table, one chair, one rope, one day,
one table, one chair, one day, one rope,
one day, one chair, one table, one rope,
one chair, one table, one rope, one

******************

Original:

One table
One chair
One rope
One day

One table
One chair
One rope
One day

One table
One chair
One day
One rope

One table
One chair
One noose
One life
One life.
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Last edited by Mirrorball on Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:23 pm, edited 10 times in total.

Ravallion
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Re: Cognitions

Post by Ravallion » Sat Sep 08, 2018 9:34 pm

I suppose this to be a release of some kind. It's bare bones are well- picked.
Not much meat for the poor reader.

Unzip this puppy. There is some cleverness here.

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Re: Cognitions

Post by Macavity » Sun Sep 09, 2018 2:36 am

I think you could shuffle the order of words in each list. I kind of progressive priority to denote passing time. I'd cut the 'one life' melodrama and let the implication do the work. We know the noose is there. Let the reader fill the space :)

cheers

mac

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Re: Cognitions

Post by Mirrorball » Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:26 am

Thank you both,

Ravillion, it's very much a bare bones poem and if it doesn't work as such then it doesn't work full stop. The presentation wouldn't be effective outside of an internet forum either. It has its limitations. I wonder if anyone has tried the handwriting thing before on here?

Mac, I started to line shuffle at S3 but I could easily start earlier. I'm pleased you read the empty space the way I intended. On the downside, melodrama was not my intention but if the reader can't see what I'm trying to do with the last two lines then I need to have second thoughts.

The mood is meant to be fixated and bereft of free flowing creativity. It's my excuse for writing and sharing rubbish poetry. :)

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Re: Cognitions

Post by Ravallion » Sun Sep 09, 2018 2:52 pm

. It's my excuse for writing and sharing rubbish poetry. :)

Nothing is ever rubbish. The poems I wrote early on embarass me now.

But they are father to the godd poems✌

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Re: Cognitions

Post by Mirrorball » Sun Sep 09, 2018 4:13 pm

'godd poems' oh my! And there was me thinking grandiose like I'm a silverback writer already :lol:

I'm slightly embarrassed to say I've been writing poetry for a long time, on and off, so this is not early MB.

There's poetry in mediocrity.

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Re: Cognitions

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Sep 09, 2018 4:37 pm

I rather like this, as an idea, but the execution doesn't work that well, for me.
You said, "The mood is meant to be fixated and bereft of free flowing creativity"
OK. But does the fixation have to be with those 'objects'. Could it not be with the
word 'one'. What else does N have in his/her life that is singular rather than plural?
I think it has potential (and not just for a forum) but it needs work.

Regards, Not.

PS. (As mac said, drop the 'noose' and 'life', it's just melodrama.)

.

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Re: Cognitions

Post by Mirrorball » Sun Sep 09, 2018 6:11 pm

Thanks Not, point taken. I still don't have internet access on my laptop so it's very much smart phone poetry. I'm not going to handwrite the poem this time. Here's a simple variation with melodrama expulsed and more word shuffle as per Mac's suggestion (revision 1):

one table, one chair, one rope, one day,
one table, one chair, one day, one rope,
one day, one chair, one table, one rope,
one chair, one table, one rope, one


I could try to flesh it out, even on my phone, we did a satisfying job from a seed with my sharp edges poem. I'm tempted. The thing is with suicide ideation, the fixation is on method, time and maybe getting one's affairs in order. I could add to those elements. It's the end of a conclusion, all the positives are discarded already, there's no future and no one in the right mind would understand. I'm not talking much from direct personal experience thankfully.

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Re: Cognitions

Post by Macavity » Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:17 pm

One day
One table
One rope
One chair

One rope
One table
One chair
One day

One table
One chair
One rope
One day

One day
One table
One chair
One rope

Of course, it could be that the words climb to the rope or descend from the rope :D Either way vertical rather than horizontal and definitely written on paper (more scary)

cheers

mac

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Re: Cognitions (Revision 1)

Post by Mirrorball » Mon Sep 10, 2018 5:54 pm

Thanks for putting your spin on it again Mac. At least you're not losing the will to live from reading my poetry yet.

It's a shame we don't have a competition on here where we have to write a meaningful poem in four stanzas using only five different words. It's the only way I'd have a chance.

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Re: Cognitions (Revision 1)

Post by Macavity » Mon Sep 10, 2018 6:52 pm

Actually I think you're onto something here - if you could get a purpose, say disorder to order and the irony that the ordered process means demise of - then I know of at least one publication that might be interested.

cheers

mac

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Re: Cognitions (Revision 1)

Post by Mirrorball » Mon Sep 10, 2018 7:31 pm

Thanks Mac,

Disorder to order to demise is a very useful way of thinking about it from my perspective. My poems all have a disorder type theme this year (Siren was an old poem). I could possibly work the same irony into the other poems I've posted on beginners board since joining.

The message I'm getting from all three reviewers is the poem is a good rough sketch but you want to see a full picture. I think that's a fair assessment. I'll put it on the back burner whilst waiting for an idea of how to fully develop it.

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