A Heatwave on the Balearics (was The Test) Rev 2

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A Heatwave on the Balearics (was The Test) Rev 2

Postby JJWilliamson » Mon Jul 02, 2018 11:25 am

I remember all she said that day
in Majorca, as I sat, warily,
on her hotel bed. I checked
her pulse and brow,
felt for the heat of infection.

No fever, came my diagnosis,
apart from the one
in my head. Pulse normal,
if you discount my palpitations.
BP, 128 atomic thoughts
over 75 warheads.

There was a faint smile,
a gratitude, a knowing blush
that sent a flooding tide
into my widening veins.

I stored her words and hoped
I'd heard her say,
to those who queued to hear,
that she was warmed
by my touch.

A rush of silliness overcame
my cool, but still I sat impassively,
and there remained discreetly changed,
a concupiscent fool.


Revision

I remember all she said that day
in Majorca, as I sat, warily,
on her hotel bed. I checked
her pulse and brow,
felt for the heat of infection.

No fever, came my diagnosis,
apart from the one
in my head. Pulse normal,
if you discount my fibrillations.
BP, 125 dodgy thoughts
over 75 wishes.

There was a faint smile,
a gratitude, a knowing blush
that sent a flooding tide
into my widening veins.

I stored her words and hoped
that she might say,
to those who queued to hear,
that she was warmed
by my touch.

A rush of silliness overcame
my cool, but still I sat impassively,
and there remained forever changed,
a concupiscent fool.


Original

I remember all she said that day
in Majorca, as I sat, vulnerably,
on her hotel bed. I checked
her pulse and brow,
felt for the heat of infection.

I stored her stare and hoped
that she might say,
to those who cared to listen,
that she was aroused
by my touch.

There was a faint smile,
a gratitude, a knowing blush
that sent a flooding tide
into my widening veins.

A rush of silliness overcame
my cool, but still I sat impassively,
and there remained secretly changed,
a concupiscent fool.
Last edited by JJWilliamson on Fri Jul 13, 2018 8:11 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: The Test

Postby Macavity » Tue Jul 03, 2018 10:21 am

Not sure about this one JJ. Perhaps it is too emotive, too telly for my tastes. I guess my taste would favour understatement and concrete imagery and less modifiers.

not much help I'm afraid

cheers

mac
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Re: The Test

Postby NotQuiteSure » Tue Jul 03, 2018 3:09 pm

     
Like the idea of this JJ.
One of those moments
easily overlooked.

The Test
- don't think this does much.

I remember all she said that day
- since she doesn't say anything
in the piece, I don't think you
need this.
in Majorca, as I sat, vulnerably,
- all tell with 'vulnerably'
on her hotel bed. I checked
her pulse and brow,
felt for the heat of infection.


I stored her stare and hoped
that she might say,
to those who cared to listen,
that she was aroused
by my touch.

who else is listening?
And why would she tell them that?

There was a faint smile,
a gratitude, a knowing blush
that sent a flooding tide

- perhaps; 'sent a flood' ?
into my widening veins.

A rush of silliness overcame
my cool, but still I sat impassively,

- 'still' ?
and there remained secretly changed,
a concupiscent fool.

Don't think the change of tone works.
Concentrate on the intimate and erotic,
leave the rest.

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: The Test

Postby churinga » Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:42 am

JJWilliamson wrote:I remember all she said that day
in Majorca, as I sat, vulnerably,
on her hotel bed. I checked
her pulse and brow,
felt for the heat of infection.
The first line is very lyrical but the rest of the first verse is a bit prosaic.

I stored her stare and hoped
that she might say,
to those who cared to listen,
that she was aroused
by my touch.
I like 'stored her stare' Reads a lot better than V1, 'she was aroused by my touch' I think should be one line..


There was a faint smile,
a gratitude, a knowing blush
that sent a flooding tide
into my widening veins.
'widening veins' coupled with 'flooding tide' is inventive. This V also flows well.

A rush of silliness overcame
my cool, but still I sat impassively,
and there remained secretly changed,
a concupiscent fool.

'secretly' slightly mucks up the music of this verse for me. The fact that it is 3 syllables.

regards

Ross
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Re: The Test

Postby David » Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:06 pm

There is an odd tone to this one, JJ. I almost feel it comes under the heading of things that should be cherished but left unsaid (at least by any other than the two protagonists).

Only you can be the judge of that, though.

Cheer

David
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Re: The Test

Postby ton321 » Thu Jul 05, 2018 11:28 pm

A bit different for you but I liked it. If you left out the last verse, I think you will have nailed that special moment poem,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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Re: The Test

Postby JJWilliamson » Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:52 am

Thank you very much, Gents, for the very helpful and illuminating comments. Some great insights there. Much appreciated.

Believe it or not my original intent was one of mild humour. I really didn't want it to sound seedy or dodgy in any way
and the idea of being more graphic was a non-starter, mainly because it's largely fictional. It IS based on a true story,
but in the Hollywood sense, which means it isn't even close to the truth. :)

I focussed on rhythm (not meter) and various internal poetics to lighten things, wanting it to be a jolly jape. This, I'd hoped,
was emphasised by the closing strophe. Bit of an experiment for me and as Tony says, "A bit different for you".
So, that's the way to go to move this away from the embarrassingly personal.

I'm looking at the music again, Ross. I like that term because music and meter are definitely akin but different.

The title is definitely dire and in need of repair. That much is certain. :)

Thanks again to all

Best

JJ
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Re: A Hot Spell on the Balearics (was The Test) revised

Postby NotQuiteSure » Tue Jul 10, 2018 12:45 pm

     
Hi JJ.
Much better title
(certainly sets a tone!)
Though how about 'Heat Stroke'?

A Hot Spell on the Balearics

I remember all she said
that day in Majorca, as I sat,
warily, on her hotel bed.
I checked her pulse
and brow
[and] felt for the heat.
- aren't checking her brow and
feeling for heat the same thing?

- don't think you need S2

No fever, [but the faintest flush],
a [smile of] gratitude,
a knowing blush
that sent a

- I think you need to continue
the 'medical' metaphor, the
switch to 'tide' doesn't seem
to fit that well.
tide[, a flood]
into my widening veins.

Final two verses don't work
for me. They seem to be a retreat
from rather than a development of.
It does read like a decision to
"move this away from the
embarrassingly personal"

David's description, that it
"comes under the heading of things
that should be cherished but left unsaid",
I think it spot on, apart from 'unsaid'.
I suspect they'll be a lot of recognition
for this out there (though not necessarily
publicly acknowledge! :) )

Regards, Not.


     
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Re: A Hot Spell on the Balearics (was The Test) revised

Postby JJWilliamson » Thu Jul 12, 2018 12:15 pm

Thanks, Not, for popping back in to take another look. Appreciated.

NotQuiteSure wrote:     
Hi JJ.
Much better title
(certainly sets a tone!)
Though how about 'Heat Stroke'? ...Clever! I like it.

A Hot Spell on the Balearics

I remember all she said
that day in Majorca, as I sat,
warily, on her hotel bed.
I checked her pulse
and brow
[and] felt for the heat.
- aren't checking her brow and
feeling for heat the same thing? ...Kind of. It depends if it's a burning heat or mild temperature.

- don't think you need S2 ...Not really but it presents a silly humorous side. I might fidget with it.

No fever, [but the faintest flush],
a [smile of] gratitude,
a knowing blush
that sent a

- I think you need to continue
the 'medical' metaphor, the
switch to 'tide' doesn't seem
to fit that well. ...Not a bad idea at all.
tide[, a flood]
into my widening veins.

Final two verses don't work
for me. They seem to be a retreat
from rather than a development of. ...The central premise IS the retreat, the lack of action but an awareness of the primitive responses. It's all a bit unexpected and the speaker is a bit embarrassed by the turn of events. He passes the "test", hence the original title.
It does read like a decision to
"move this away from the
embarrassingly personal"

David's description, that it
"comes under the heading of things
that should be cherished but left unsaid", ...But it isn't cherished. The speaker is surprised by his responses. It's a kind of get a grip moment.
I think it spot on, apart from 'unsaid'.
I suspect they'll be a lot of recognition
for this out there (though not necessarily
publicly acknowledge! :) ) ...Ha! That's what I was hoping for. Delighted it came through. :)

Regards, Not.


     


Thanks again, Not, for the close read.

JJ
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Re: A Hot Spell on the Balearics (was The Test) revised

Postby Antcliff » Thu Jul 12, 2018 2:17 pm

Greetings, JJ

I think I preferred "secretly" to "forever". "Forever" is possibly a bit overused in romantic contexts?

Loved the cool/concupiscent fool.

Would there be any loss if this bit were cut?...

"that sent a flooding tide
into my widening veins."

After all, the preceding paragraph has made the excited nature of the narrator clear?

Best,
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
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Re: A Hot Spell on the Balearics (was The Test) revised

Postby JJWilliamson » Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:40 am

Greetings to you too, Seth

Antcliff wrote:Greetings, JJ

I think I preferred "secretly" to "forever". "Forever" is possibly a bit overused in romantic contexts? ...Actually, I'd been looking at 'forever' because it does stick out, doesn't it. I reckon "secretly" might do it.

Loved the cool/concupiscent fool. ...Thanks. There are a few internals running through this poem. All part of the fun. It's supposed to be light and in some ways revealing, but comes across as a tad risqué methinks.

Would there be any loss if this bit were cut?...

"that sent a flooding tide
into my widening veins." ...Only in so much that I'd lose my tide/wide rhyme. Could fiddle with it.

After all, the preceding paragraph has made the excited nature of the narrator clear?

Best,
Seth


Thanks again for the input.

Best

JJ
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