Shared History (Was: Long Threads)

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Firebird
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Shared History (Was: Long Threads)

Post by Firebird » Tue Jun 19, 2018 2:09 pm

V2

She says things out of context
like 'make it with fresh lemons'
and thinks I’ll cotton on.
The week before, just after a row,
she had asked me
if I’d make lentil soup
with fresh chillies. 

It’s as if she needs to know 
she can pull together
our pasts just as easily 
as the small, tight stitches
in our near present.
But all too often
these longer threads
are lost on me.


V1

She says things out of context 
and thinks I’ll cotton on,
like ‘make it with fresh lemons’.
A week before she’d asked me
if I’d make lentil soup
with chillies. 

It’s as if she needs to know 
she can pull our past in
just as easily 
as the small tight stitches
in our present.
Last edited by Firebird on Tue Jun 19, 2018 8:21 pm, edited 20 times in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Long Threads

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Jun 19, 2018 3:47 pm

[tab][/tab]
Hi Tristan.

Long Threads
It's not the most engaging title.
Do you need 'long'?

She says things out of context
(did you consider 'apropos of nothing' -
it has such a nice sound)
and thinks I’ll cotton on,
like ‘make it with fresh lemons’.
(perhaps repeat 'says' for 'like'?)
A week before she’d asked me
(perhaps 'The' for 'A', it seems
ever so slightly ambiguous.)
if I’d make lentil soup
(not keen on two contractions (L4/L5))
with fresh chillies.

It’s as if she needs to know
Do you need 'It's'?
she can pull our past in
first of two 'ins'
just as easily
as the small tight stitches
in our present.

feels like the metaphor is incomplete.

I wonder if you need a sewing/material
reference between L3 and L4 (and a bit
more context to justify L1)?

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

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Re: Long Threads

Post by Firebird » Tue Jun 19, 2018 6:02 pm

Hi Not, I agree with your points about replacing 'a' with 'the', the two ins, and that the metaphor seems incomplete. I'll see what I can do.

Many thanks for your useful advise.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Shared History (Was: Long Threads)

Post by Macavity » Wed Jun 20, 2018 8:34 pm

Like it Tristan, in particular the food elements used in S1 (S2 seems to pick up on cotton). Not sure about the title.

cheers

mac

Firebird wrote:V2

She says things out of context
like 'make it with fresh lemons'
and thinks I’ll cotton on.
The week before, just after a row, .....giving a context?
she had asked me
if I’d make lentil soup
with fresh chillies. 

It’s as if she needs to know 
she can pull together
our pasts just as easily 
as the small, tight stitches
in our near present.
But all too often
these longer threads
are lost on me.


V1

She says things out of context 
and thinks I’ll cotton on,
like ‘make it with fresh lemons’.
A week before she’d asked me
if I’d make lentil soup
with chillies. 

It’s as if she needs to know 
she can pull our past in
just as easily 
as the small tight stitches
in our present.

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Firebird
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Re: Shared History (Was: Long Threads)

Post by Firebird » Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:37 am

Hi Mac, I'm glad you like it. And yes, the row is the context. I think you are right about the title. I'll have a think about it.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Shared History (Was: Long Threads)

Post by Charles » Sat Jul 14, 2018 9:14 pm

I liked this one a lot, I think overall Ver. 2 is an improvement on Ver. 1. But then there is something to be said for the brevity of Version one. Not sure what "near" adds in "in our near present." in Ver. 2 for instance. Just thoughts.

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Re: Shared History (Was: Long Threads)

Post by Antcliff » Mon Jul 16, 2018 1:57 pm

Good one.

At first I wondered about the use of the "cotton on" cliché, but then saw the link with the later thread theme.

But then I did wonder about the "lost on me" last line. Can longer threads be "lost on" a person? Perhaps, but I wonder if there is a more material based + less familiar expression for the close? Just a thought?

Me
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Shared History (Was: Long Threads)

Post by Jackie » Sat Aug 11, 2018 8:06 pm

Tristan, I enjoyed reading these two versions.

Whether you use "pull our pasts in" (which I like) or "pull together our pasts," doesn't the second part of that sentence need a verb? Something like "just as easily as tuck in / stitch up the present."

Would "All too often these longer threads break" work? Or is it the "on me" that is important; is this about her not speaking clearly enough, or about your differing attitudes to the past?

Jackie

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Re: Shared History (Was: Long Threads)

Post by Mirrorball » Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:57 am

Hi again Tristan,

I enjoyed the juxtaposition of food with sewing. I have this image in my head of you threading spaghetti through the crust of a Cornish pasty. I’d like to think that poets make for creative cooks, have you ever tried sprinkling sugar on lettuce as a dessert? If not then I’d wholeheartedly recommend it.

Anyway, I digress, where were we? Oh yes the poem. I can relate, the way I read it, she expects the trivialities of the past to be captured and all sewn up like the present. I think it’s very clever and captures something common to all relationships: expectations rarely align… the key line for me was 'The week before, just after a row' because that there's more the poem than just cooking memory lapses.

I’m a bit out of practice on giving technical advice but I definitively prefer version 2 because you express your differences quite succinctly in the last few lines rather than leaving me guessing. If I was going to nit-pick then I’d say the title still doesn’t do the poem justice.

MB

Ps I’m really impressed that you’ve done 20 edits

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Re: Shared History (Was: Long Threads)

Post by David » Sun Aug 12, 2018 2:47 pm

I like it, Tristan. I think the original S1 was better, but the revised S2 is an improvement. Pick and mix!

Cheers

David

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