Visitations (revision5)

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Macavity
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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by Macavity » Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:27 am

Thanks for taking another Tristan. Will tweak some.

cheers

mac

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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:59 pm

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Hi mac,
hard to get a grip on this one
(with the addition S5)

Last night the wind
- do you need 'the'?
and rain, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.


Early morning,
runes of red light
across the stack

- can you do better than 'across'
(your scene, but would the light
have been 'bleeding on the stack'?)
of [fallen] pines.

[Silence.] And now this
scrawl, crows in flight,
their caw ink
[s]
our tired minds.
- you've already established
'tired', do you need to repeat
the idea?
I thought you were on to something
with omens/portents. Googled a bit
and found that the direction of the
crows flight was used for divination
(from the east/south being favoured
...except at noon!).

You sneeze.
No songbird sings.

- I think the addition of
'caw' (S3) undercuts this.
Our labrador barks
and whines.

- ?whines and barks?

Nonsense of course.
Logging happens.
Birds are just birds.
We're not actors.

- Don't think you need
this at all. It undermines
all the above, I think

Regards, Not.
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Macavity
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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by Macavity » Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:38 pm

Thanks NQS for taking another look. I'm letting this one lie for a while. S5 was intended to work on the level of assertions to overcome fears, the silly paganism of those fears. Of course, assertion, as well as rational argument, does/has not eliminated superstition. S5 stays. However, I have a few variations for S3 so that may be edited. S4 I'll edit now. Crows are not songbirds!

cheers

mac

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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Jun 22, 2018 12:33 pm

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Hi mac,

wasn't objecting to the crows, but that they made a sound.
You made much of the 'unnatural' silence and I thought 'caws'
undercut that.

Regards, Not.
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Macavity
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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by Macavity » Fri Jun 22, 2018 3:29 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:[tab][/tab]
Hi mac,

wasn't objecting to the crows, but that they made a sound.
You made much of the 'unnatural' silence and I thought 'caws'
undercut that.

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Yes, that was a niggle, but I was going for quiet defined by singular sounds. Revisited since that intention was more than a little buried. I have brought portents back, but with some dismissiveness. Thanks again NQS.

cheers

mac

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Re: Camping (revision5)

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Jun 25, 2018 10:17 am

Now I'm getting it, mac. The lack of birdsong, which was always the fulcrum for me, is not only apparent but acts as the poem's raison d' etre.
Additionally it's much easier to follow without being obvious.

Macavity wrote:revision5

Last night that rush
of wind, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake. ...Spot on.

Early morning,
runes of red light
beading the stack ...'Stack' implies felled trees.
of silent pines. ...'silent' reinforces this assumption.

And now this scrawl,
those crows in flight,
their caw inking
opaque portents. ...Presumably these are portents of doom that are not clear to see, but are definitely there or are coming.

And then the quiet
scripting its slow claw.
No bird perched
tree-proud. No song. ...This line nails it for me.

Our labrador barks.
A muttering
beneath the stones? ...These two lines lose me. Is this the noise you investigated? Maybe switch the action. IE the muttering followed by the barking dog.
You sneeze. ...The link from this strophe to the next is still difficult to spot. Perhaps you should mention the investigation. A noise, a bark, an investigation, it doesn't only happens in the movies. Is the acting reference necessary IE would the poem suffer if it was removed. A film allusion should do the trick.

Nonsense of course. ...'of course' is too emphatic methinks. Would "they say" help? Perhaps it helps to determine an ambiguity, leaving the reader to decide.
Logging happens.
Birds are just birds.
We're not actors.
I think you're just about there, mac.

Just one person's opinion, of course, so take with a pinch.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

Macavity
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Re: Camping (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Tue Jun 26, 2018 2:02 pm

Thanks for taking another look JJ. I do like the falseness of the emphatic, but perhaps ambiguity would give the right slant. The sneeze was to bring in the human element, that the mindset is N's. Reluctant to let it go for now. Have tweaked some, but may need to clarify and focus more.

cheers

Mac

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Re: Camping (revision5)

Post by Firebird » Tue Jun 26, 2018 3:23 pm

I like the poem Mac but not sure about the additional stanza or s3 still. Some specific comments below.

Hope they help.

Cheers,

Tristan

Macavity wrote:revision5

Last night that rush
of wind, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.

Early morning,
runes of red light
beading the stack (Is 'beading' the right word here?)
of silent pines.

And now this scrawl,
those crows in flight,
their caw inking (not sure I like 'inking': it's maybe trying too hard. And I'm not keep on 'opaque' at all. One of those 'poetic' words.)
opaque portents. (I do like the sense/direction of these to lines though, it's just the word choice that slightly bothers me.)

And then the quiet
scripting its slow claw.
No bird perched
tree-proud. No song. (Is this stanza needed. It doesn't seem to do anywhere near as much as the other stanzas. It's really just setting up the next stanza in my opinion, which I don't think is needed)

Our labrador barks.
You sneeze. I hear
myself muttering
a childhood prayer.

Nonsense of course.
Logging happens.
Birds are just birds.
We're not actors.

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Re: Camping (revision5)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Jun 26, 2018 3:43 pm

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Don't know if this will help mac, but...

Camping (revision5)
Don't think this is doing enough,
how about - Cwmcarn, today ?

Last night that rush
of wind, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.

(you know what I think here :) )

Early morning, [cold?]
runes of red light
[caught] in a spiders web,
[a] stack of [sodden] pines.

And now this;
crows in flight,
no songbird sings,
our labrado
r [whines,

then] barks.
(Maybe something about
leaving, not looking back?
Or just end on 'barks')


Regards, Not.
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Macavity
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Re: Camping (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Wed Jun 27, 2018 12:55 pm

Thanks Tristan. Interesting what you say about opaque/inking/beading - I like the fact you find them poetic. Justifies my use of nonsense in regard to the genre - to an extent - though not consciously intended :) There is an intended play of the previous light against opaque. Trying too hard - possibly, I've made forty edits! I meant to let it lie, but the poem keeps nagging :)

cheers

mac

Firebird wrote:I like the poem Mac but not sure about the additional stanza or s3 still. Some specific comments below.

Hope they help.

Cheers,

Tristan

Macavity wrote:revision5

Last night that rush
of wind, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.

Early morning,
runes of red light
beading the stack (Is 'beading' the right word here?)
of silent pines.

And now this scrawl,
those crows in flight,
their caw inking (not sure I like 'inking': it's maybe trying too hard. And I'm not keep on 'opaque' at all. One of those 'poetic' words.)
opaque portents. (I do like the sense/direction of these to lines though, it's just the word choice that slightly bothers me.)

And then the quiet
scripting its slow claw.
No bird perched
tree-proud. No song. (Is this stanza needed. It doesn't seem to do anywhere near as much as the other stanzas. It's really just setting up the next stanza in my opinion, which I don't think is needed)

Our labrador barks.
You sneeze. I hear
myself muttering
a childhood prayer.

Nonsense of course.
Logging happens.
Birds are just birds.
We're not actors.


-------------------------------------------------



revision4

Last night the wind
and rain, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.

Early morning,
runes of red light
across the stack
of silent pines.

And now this scrawl,
those crows in flight,
their caw inking
our tired minds.

You sneeze.
No songbird sings.
Our labrador barks,
and then whines.

Nonsense of course.
Logging happens.
Birds are just birds.
We're not actors.





==========================================================================================

revision3

Last night the wind
and rain, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.

Early morning,
runes of red light
across the stack
of silenced pines.

And now this ink,
crows caw in flight,
an alphabet
scrawling portents.

You sneeze.
No songbird sings.
Our labrador barks
at something.

======================================================================
revision2

Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain
keening the forest.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light
fingering the stack
of silenced pines.

And now this ink,
corvus in flight,
an alphabet
worded to omen.

You sneeze.
No songbird sings.
Our labrador barks
at something.

=====================================================================


revision

Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain
keening the forest.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light
fingering the stack
of silent pines.

You sneeze.
I exist in your frown.
Our labrador barks
at something.



===========================================================================

original


Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain
soaked earth, tree and us.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light,
the spiders web
beneath the pines.

You sneeze.
I exist in your frown.
Our labrador barks
at something.

Macavity
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Re: Camping (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Wed Jun 27, 2018 1:08 pm

Always helpful NQS. I recall spiders being in one of the versions, and though I've used them in too many poems, I like your suggestion! The use of cold is an interesting one too.

cheers

mac

NotQuiteSure wrote:[tab][/tab]
Don't know if this will help mac, but...

Camping (revision5)
Don't think this is doing enough,
how about - Cwmcarn, today ?

Last night that rush
of wind, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.

(you know what I think here :) )

Early morning, [cold?]
runes of red light
[caught] in a spiders web,
[a] stack of [sodden] pines.

And now this;
crows in flight,
no songbird sings,
our labrado
r [whines,

then] barks.
(Maybe something about
leaving, not looking back?
Or just end on 'barks')


Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

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Re: Camping (revision5)

Post by churinga » Thu Jun 28, 2018 1:02 am

And now this scrawl,
those crows in flight,
their caw inking
opaque portents.
I like the idea of the crows being ink scrawled across the sky, but caw seems odd, as their sound is not part of the image. Also having, 'this', then 'those' suggests the two actions are disconnected, you could have 'crows in flight' without any preposition.

And then the quiet
scripting its slow claw.
Hard to know if 'quiet' is a noun or an adjective. 'claw' seems too obvious both in reference to birds and also rhyming with caw.


'I hear myself'
Seems rdundant,

I would end it on prayer. The last verse seems tacked on, like an aside about the environment.

I enjoyed reading this and seeing how it evolved.

Ross

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Re: Camping (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Thu Jun 28, 2018 1:54 am

Thanks Ross for taking another look. I've been clinging to caw because of scrawl. The thread to claw was subconscious. I've cut caw and inking, though I liked the black in the latter.

cheers

mac


churinga wrote:And now this scrawl,
those crows in flight,
their caw inking
opaque portents.
I like the idea of the crows being ink scrawled across the sky, but caw seems odd, as their sound is not part of the image. Also having, 'this', then 'those' suggests the two actions are disconnected, you could have 'crows in flight' without any preposition.

And then the quiet
scripting its slow claw.
Hard to know if 'quiet' is a noun or an adjective. 'claw' seems too obvious both in reference to birds and also rhyming with caw.


'I hear myself'
Seems rdundant,

I would end it on prayer. The last verse seems tacked on, like an aside about the environment.

I enjoyed reading this and seeing how it evolved.

Ross

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