Second Chance

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Second Chance

Postby Namyh » Sun May 13, 2018 3:56 pm

Second Chance

My Love slammed the door. It shut as a tomb,
like sound sucked empty from a symphony room
where no music played, where no feet light danced.
Gone was my Love, my last best chance.

300 feet per second is, I know, the speed of pain
as it travels thru the body on its way to the brain.
But a breaking heart is witness to a fear coming faster
when sorrow’s Beast of impact charges reinless, without master.

My breathing’s getting deep. I seem to need more breath.
I’m fighting back the tears where they exit from the jets.
I feel the quaking gallop of that Beast’s pounding beckon
leaping, lunging closer to me, 300 feet per second.

Then Bam! comes the “crash” and my tears gush forth
and they stream down rippling in a saline sad froth.
And my sorrow is a smash-up, a shattering of parts,
cracked pieces blown-off from my now broken heart.

I slump in non-recovery. There my energy dwindles longer,
teetering on the drip drops of tears crying stronger
and dreading the coming moment I resign to a Fate
without hope of any time, without chance of any mate.

Then Abrupt! The door opens! My Love walks inside
and my heart sings a Mending-of-the-Tears lullaby.
And just when I thought “All” was lost or dead,
Love stands in my doorway, back with coffee and bread.


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Re: Second Chance

Postby NotQuiteSure » Mon May 14, 2018 2:26 pm

     
Hi Namyh

My Love slammed the door. It shut as a tomb,
think it should be 'like a' rather than 'as a'
like sound sucked empty from a symphony room
then perhaps
all the sound drained away...?
where no music played, where no feet light danced.
makes me wonder what a 'feet light' is :)
Gone was my Love, my last best chance.
perhaps,
Gone was my Love, my best last chance ?

300 feet per second is, I know, the speed of pain
bearing in mind my inadequacy on all things metered,
perhaps,
I know 300 feet per second is the precise speed of pain ?
as it travels thru the body on its way to the brain.
But a breaking heart is witness to a fear coming faster
when sorrow’s Beast of impact charges reinless, without master.

I find the last sentence a bit too much of a mouthful.

My breathing’s getting deep. I seem to need more breath.
perhaps consider a stronger alternative to 'seem' (either you
do or you don't). More show, less tell.
I’m fighting back the tears where they exit from the jets.
I feel the quaking gallop of that Beast’s pounding beckon
leaping, lunging closer to me, 300 feet per second.

It's a bit clunky and in the previous verse it is implied that
the Beast moves faster than 300fps.

Then Bam! comes the “crash” and my tears gush forth
the line ends a bit weakly. Could you cut 'and', and
find an alternative to 'forth' (yes I know...'froth', but
still, forth doesn't seem to me to be sufficiently energetic
after bam/crash!
and they stream down rippling in a saline sad froth.
again, rippling lacks energy ( you might try
and they flood down my cheeks in sad saline froth.)
And my sorrow is a smash-up, a shattering of parts,
cracked pieces blown-off from my now broken heart.

It's ok, but you do say the same thing in four (almost
identical) ways. Cut either 'and' (L2/3)

I slump in non-recovery. There my energy dwindles longer,
not a fan of 'non-recovery';
just a suggestion:
I slump in non-recovery, all my energy dying
falling on the drip-drop of tears slowly drying

teetering on the drip drops of tears crying stronger
and dreading the coming moment I resign to a Fate
without hope of any time, without chance of any mate.


Then Abrupt! The door opens! My Love walks inside
and my heart sings a Mending-of-the-Tears lullaby.

is 'lullaby' the best word?
Just for something to consider:
Then Abrupt! The door opens! It's My Love, unafraid,
and my heart sings a Mending-of-the-Tears serenade.

And just when I thought “All” was lost or [was] dead,
[My] Love stands in my doorway, back with coffee and bread.
I don't think your 'twist' is strong enough. What heart break
is going to be mended by 'coffee and bread'? As a consequence
the whole piece feels just a bit too long. Worth working on though.

Hope this is of some use.

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: Second Chance

Postby churinga » Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:50 am

I suggest, if you want to write formal poetry, to try a less demanding form. The most simple is a 3 quatrain poem with a simple rhyme scheme of xbyb or bxby. It gives you more freedom. And means there is less chance you will need to use forced rhymes like the inversion 'light dancing' that Not picked up on. Also stick to a strict meter and avoid expanding any line. As you do here
when sorrow’s Beast of impact charges reinless, without master.

Using irregular meter has its own challenges and is best left alone until you have mastered basic metrical forms.

This poem lacks musicality, this is hard to describe but it is choosing words that flow together, alliteration can be very helpful as long as you don't over do it, but the best technique is to read your poem aloud and also try to sing it aloud. A formal poem is really a song that hasn't yet been sung. If you can't find a melody forming from the words of a poem then it probably lacks musicality. Many songs are also beautiful formal poems that are sung rather than published. Leonard Cohen is a msater of poetic songs that are very strictly formal. His 'Alexander Leaving' or 'Bird on a Wire' are fine examples of formal poetry as song.

all the best
Ross.
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