Hymn

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Joao
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Hymn

Post by Joao » Thu May 03, 2018 12:39 pm

Do not listen to this blubbering curse.
We both know the murky well from which
it springs. Rise above it as I dig
this soggy hole and mould with mud
an idol meant for marbled wings.

Hollow, the breath that cracks your morning
voice: it’s only wind, pretending
to be song. You can clear up your throat,
now; you can screw up those eyes, musing
muse, I see the trick: roll
up your sleeve, let me smell
once, last, your flowery wrist:
what’s beneath this sprayed-on mist?
What’s beyond those parted lips?
Wipe off that heeding smile,
warm as a painted sunrise, present
as a look at the clock. Spit and laugh
at me; trample me under your feet;
let this be our final, fiendish
tryst. I’ll cackle and curse you
like a devil in fiery bliss,
looking up at your tilted hip,
at the heaving valleys of your perfect ribs,
bawling on the floor
like a child denied a treat:
foolish, petty, sordid
and free.
Last edited by Joao on Wed May 09, 2018 2:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Macavity
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Re: Hymn

Post by Macavity » Fri May 04, 2018 4:07 am

hi Joao,
Effective, unnerving tone, apt for the subject matter. It is adjective heavy, but many of those do colour the read. I did get lost in some of syntax, but that may be my sluggish mind! Definitely enjoyed the read.
Do not listen to this blubbering curse.
We both know the murky well from which
it springs. Rise above it as I dig
this soggy hole and mould with mud
an idol meant for marbled wings.
I like the notion of a blubbering curse. I was a little confused by that last sentence, the thought of mould as fungal matter, but on reflection I read the verb for shaping: the dig was in soggy ground; that the 'idol' will have a muddy mould not a plaster of marble (like the alliteration by the way). Perhaps a comma after 'hole' ? Probably just me!
Hollow, the breath that cracks your morning
voice
Like the emphatic tone of that. I l enjoyed the sonic thread of cracks/clear/tricks/clock/cackle.
Spit and laugh
at me; trample me under your feet;
Again like the emphatic dynamic, though perhaps the 'trample me...' is a familiar expression.

hope that help some

best

mac

David
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Re: Hymn

Post by David » Sat May 05, 2018 3:30 pm

What's going on here, then, Joao? You've been dumped. That's my guess. I'm tempted to say, simply, get over it lad. As a response to that situation - if I haven't got it completely wrong - this is a bit melodramatic, a bit declamatory for my taste. But that's only my taste.

If I've got that completely wrong, I apologise.

Cheers

David

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Re: Hymn

Post by camus » Sat May 05, 2018 11:26 pm

I like its archaic approach, some wonderful language and phrases used.

Where it fits in the poetic pantheon, though, i'm not certain?

Cheers
C
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

Joao
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Re: Hymn

Post by Joao » Wed May 09, 2018 1:36 pm

Thanks for the helpful comments, mac. Glad you've enjoyed it. My answers below.
Macavity wrote:hi Joao,
Effective, unnerving tone, apt for the subject matter. It is adjective heavy, but many of those do colour the read. I did get lost in some of syntax, but that may be my sluggish mind! Definitely enjoyed the read. It is a bit adjective-heavy, you’re right, and I should probably try to simplify syntax.
Do not listen to this blubbering curse.
We both know the murky well from which
it springs. Rise above it as I dig
this soggy hole and mould with mud
an idol meant for marbled wings.
I like the notion of a blubbering curse. I was a little confused by that last sentence, the thought of mould as fungal matter, but on reflection I read the verb for shaping: the dig was in soggy ground; that the 'idol' will have a muddy mould not a plaster of marble (like the alliteration by the way). Perhaps a comma after 'hole' ? Probably just me! It is meant as a verb. I'll add the comma, you're right.
Hollow, the breath that cracks your morning
voice
Like the emphatic tone of that. I l enjoyed the sonic thread of cracks/clear/tricks/clock/cackle. Thanks!
Spit and laugh
at me; trample me under your feet;
Again like the emphatic dynamic, though perhaps the 'trample me...' is a familiar expression. Thanks, I'll think about this.

hope that help some

best

mac
Last edited by Joao on Wed May 09, 2018 1:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Joao
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Re: Hymn

Post by Joao » Wed May 09, 2018 1:46 pm

Thanks, David. Fortunately, this one is not autobiographical :D . I'm still not sure it's to my taste either. Thanks for your honesty.
David wrote:What's going on here, then, Joao? You've been dumped. That's my guess. I'm tempted to say, simply, get over it lad. As a response to that situation - if I haven't got it completely wrong - this is a bit melodramatic, a bit declamatory for my taste. But that's only my taste.

If I've got that completely wrong, I apologise.

Cheers

David

Joao
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Re: Hymn

Post by Joao » Wed May 09, 2018 1:48 pm

Thanks, camus, glad you enjoyed parts of it. It is a bit of a bastard piece, you're right.
camus wrote:I like its archaic approach, some wonderful language and phrases used.

Where it fits in the poetic pantheon, though, i'm not certain?

Cheers
C

Macavity
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Re: Hymn

Post by Macavity » Thu May 10, 2018 6:42 pm

hi Joao

You may want to consider this ezine for the piece

https://threedropspoetry.co.uk/submissi ... bmissions/

best

mac

Joao
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Re: Hymn

Post by Joao » Tue May 15, 2018 11:37 am

Thanks for the tip, mac, I'll have a look.

churinga
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Re: Hymn

Post by churinga » Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:28 am

We both know the murky well from which
I call this a forced enjambment as the line makes no sense as a line, and I think enjambment works best if the line enjambed does make sense on its own.
I also think enjambment should have a purpose eg creating tension or ambiguity. Not simply to make a line fit metrically.

Rise above it as I dig
this soggy hole and mould with mud
an idol meant for marbled wings.
Nice harmonics although a bit too much alliteration. I think you meant 'an idol meant to have marble wings, I don't think you can omit 'to have' as it makes the phrase to ambiguous.

voice: it’s only wind, pretending
Why separate voice from morning, this enjambement does nothing for the poem. I would suggest you make lines follow the sense they impart and use enjambemnt sparingly.

, musing
muse,
This is very corny.

up your sleeve, let me smell
Again you are over using enjambment and without realizing it have made this line very funny.

what’s beneath this sprayed-on mist?
What’s beyond those parted lips?
Rhetorical questions are very dated. Apt in a Victorian melodrama but not here.

Wipe off that heeding smile,
warm as a painted sunrise, present
as a look at the clock. Spit and laugh
at me; trample me under your feet;
let this be our final, fiendish
tryst. I’ll cackle and curse you
like a devil in fiery bliss,
looking up at your tilted hip,
at the heaving valleys of your perfect ribs,
You seem to have gone into melodrama mode, as if you are a character in a Dickens novel. In other words the tone of the poem is not consistent. And this whole section is not very convincing. Seems artificial.

bawling on the floor
like a child denied a treat:
End it here. The image says it all. Then defining the image with a string of adjectives is a very common mistake in poetry. Have faith in the image.

cheers

Ross

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Re: Hymn

Post by Joao » Sun Jun 17, 2018 3:04 pm

This is very useful advice, Ross, thanks very much. I had to laugh at the 'let me smell’ slip: I nearly made an even more ridiculous mistake with 'wind, pretending’, which I originally had as 'wind passing / for’.

I had meant this as a satirical poem, as a dramatic monologue by a melodramatic blubberer, but I now see that I ended up taking him seriously.

Thanks again for taking the time to comment in such detail.

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Re: Hymn

Post by churinga » Sun Jun 17, 2018 10:40 pm

I did miss the satiical intent. I have just reread it and I don't think it comes across as satirical, there are good lines
eg
looking up at your tilted hip,

then a line that is comic but it's hard to tell if its intentional
eg
at the heaving valleys of your perfect ribs,

A woman's body has some lovely 'valleys' but the ribs are not one of them so this line seems either overly coy or just inept.If both lines were coy then it would come across as satire.

The main thing that strikes me is you keep breaking up the metrical rhythm, which is often quite good, with enjambment that I have mentioned. I suggest you try the poem without enjambment , end each line by following the natural rhythm of the sentences and see how it reads. I think if you fix this up it could be a much better poem. But it wont be a satire, for that to happen you need to make it more Victorian, more clearly over the top.

cheers

Ross

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Re: Hymn

Post by Joao » Mon Jun 18, 2018 9:40 am

Thanks, Ross. I see your point. I'll give it a try.

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