Church and State

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ton321
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Church and State

Post by ton321 » Sun Apr 08, 2018 1:40 am

The chain-swung censer's stopped,
and marks a plumb-line to the pearly gates
no-one believes in, or downwards,
to a roasting-spit to seal like meat, our fates.

-Do as we say, not as we do,
and was ever thus..Plato hated poets- governance
made harder by the awkward squad, who paid their taxes
but didn't believe in God.
Last edited by ton321 on Wed Apr 11, 2018 10:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

k-j
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Re: Church and State

Post by k-j » Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:10 am

I like the first two lines. The metre vapourises in the third line.

Fourth line you have a syntax issue. The comma at the end is awkward, because it's trying to legitimise a weird sentence structure. I think you have to rewrite it somehow.

"Was ever thus" is a cliché. You can just delete those words without losing anything. "Plato ... God" is great.

Actually, I think the poem is better and pithier if it's just three lines, Plato to God.
fine words butter no parsnips

ton321
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Re: Church and State

Post by ton321 » Mon Apr 09, 2018 6:39 pm

Hi K-J,
thanks for your comments, I think I'll put it away for a while and come back to it in a few months,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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