Do Birds Tut? (revised)

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Do Birds Tut? (revised)

Postby JJWilliamson » Sun Mar 04, 2018 9:54 pm

A tendril mist spiralled
above Ullswater’s perpetual ripples,
napping the moonglare with ribbons.
We followed the lake path
through a pine grove
to find our old blue tent
snuggled neatly
in a newly set row.

A short gallon of ale
entered my head as a fog
of poetic thought about mallards,
songbirds and love, where soaring
crags and silent dells welcomed
spring’s whimsical passion.

I sang “Every time we say goodbye
I cry a little, and when you don’t
come back I smile a lot”.

Diane elbowed my ribs
and a robin aimed droppings
at my dizzy head. He chittered
in the upper boughs,
and through a haze of uncertainty
I heard two mute swans tut.

We kissed and unzipped the tent
then watched the swans glide away.



Original

A pastel mist floated
above Ullswater’s perpetual ripples,
napping the moonglare with ribbons.
We followed the footpath
through a pine grove
to find our old blue tent
snuggled neatly
in a newly formed row.

A short gallon of ale
entered my head as a fog
of poetic thought about mallards,
songbirds and love, where soaring
crags and silent dells welcomed
spring’s bright passion.

I sang “Every time we say goodbye
I cry a little, and when you don’t
come back I smile a lot”.


Diane elbowed my ribs
and birds aimed droppings
at my dizzy head.
They chittered in the upper boughs,
and through a haze of uncertainty
I heard two mute swans tut.

We kissed and unzipped the tent
then watched the swans glide away.
Long time a child and still a child
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Re: Do Birds Tut? (revised)

Postby Macavity » Mon Mar 05, 2018 7:32 pm

Busy poem JJ, lines that appeal and lines that weight the poem towards a period piece.

Some further thoughts...


JJWilliamson wrote:A tendril mist spiralled....was there a reason you dumped pastel?
above Ullswater’s perpetual ripples,
napping the moonglare with ribbons................I don't know what this means, but I love the sound. Liked ripples/ribbons
We followed the lake path...like the specific
through a pine grove
to find our old blue tent
snuggled neatly...............the snuggled quality is enough?
in a newly set row........two adverbs drawing too much attention? overworking the 'n'?

A short gallon of ale
entered my head as a fog........................threading with the mist
of poetic thought about mallards,
songbirds and love, where soaring
crags and silent dells
welcomed ...............full-on Lyrical Ballads
spring’s whimsical passion.

I sang “Every time we say goodbye
I cry a little, and when you don’t
come back I smile a lot”.

Diane elbowed my ribs
and a robin aimed droppings
at my dizzy head. He chittered
in the upper boughs,
and through a haze of uncertainty.....time to ground the poem away from Romanticism?
I heard two mute swans tut.

We kissed and unzipped the tent,
then watched the swans glide away.


best

mac
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Re: Do Birds Tut? (revised)

Postby Antcliff » Mon Mar 05, 2018 9:31 pm

A sweet, relaxed poem, JJ.

Some nice lines as well...


A tendril mist spiralled

I heard two mute swans tut.

We kissed and unzipped the tent.



Especially the last one. With the same words it manages to nicely say what happened and imply that something will happen.

Like Mac, not sure I grasp the idea of "napping the moonglare".

I like the pairing of the the low key and more modern language of your song with the more traditionally poetic language of soaring/dells.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
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Re: Do Birds Tut? (revised)

Postby JJWilliamson » Wed Mar 07, 2018 11:07 am

Thanks, mac, for looking at this one and for offering some astute thoughts, as usual.

Macavity wrote:Busy poem JJ, lines that appeal and lines that weight the poem towards a period piece. ...I was using the period elements as a reference to romanticism, with a touch of humour lobbed into the pot. Wasn't sure if that would come across. Maybe playful rather than humorous, a twinkle in the eye moment.

Some further thoughts...


JJWilliamson wrote:A tendril mist spiralled....was there a reason you dumped pastel? ...Not really, only that tendrils seemed to fit in with ribbons. Easy to revert, though.
above Ullswater’s perpetual ripples,
napping the moonglare with ribbons................I don't know what this means, but I love the sound. Liked ripples/ribbons. ...To nap or nappe (French) in culinary terms is to coat a surface with a thin film of sauce/liquid. The 'moonglare' should really be moon glare or glare of the moon settling or bouncing, rather than reflecting, off the lake's surface. I was playing with a new word. I don't know if that helps, or not. :)
We followed the lake path...like the specific
through a pine grove
to find our old blue tent
snuggled neatly...............the snuggled quality is enough? ...Agreed. Consider it changed.
in a newly set row........two adverbs drawing too much attention? overworking the 'n'? ...Yip, good observation.

A short gallon of ale
entered my head as a fog........................threading with the mist
of poetic thought about mallards,
songbirds and love, where soaring
crags and silent dells
welcomed ...............full-on Lyrical Ballads ...It is indeed. :)
spring’s whimsical passion.

I sang “Every time we say goodbye
I cry a little, and when you don’t
come back I smile a lot”.

Diane elbowed my ribs
and a robin aimed droppings
at my dizzy head. He chittered
in the upper boughs,
and through a haze of uncertainty.....time to ground the poem away from Romanticism? ...Well, there are moments when you're simply not sure if you heard something or not. I'll think about it.
I heard two mute swans tut.

We kissed and unzipped the tent,
then watched the swans glide away. ...I thought 'then' provided a brief time lapse.


best

mac


Food for thought, mac. Thanks again.

Best

JJ
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Re: Do Birds Tut? (revised)

Postby JJWilliamson » Wed Mar 07, 2018 11:19 am

Thanks, Seth, for dropping in to share your thoughts. Appreciated.

Antcliff wrote:A sweet, relaxed poem, JJ.

Some nice lines as well...


A tendril mist spiralled

I heard two mute swans tut.

We kissed and unzipped the tent.



Especially the last one. With the same words it manages to nicely say what happened and imply that something will happen. ...It was all mac's fault, with his bath poem. :D

Like Mac, not sure I grasp the idea of "napping the moonglare". ...Partially covering the glare/reflection of the moon, like napping a halved egg with thin mayonnaise. 'Moonglare' isn't a word as far as I know. Maybe "moon-glare", although we do have "planetshine". I rejected "moonshine" for obvious reasons. :)

I like the pairing of the low key and more modern language of your song with the more traditionally poetic language of soaring/dells. ...Good to read that, Seth. I was enjoying myself with the mix.

Seth


Thanks again

Best

JJ
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Re: Do Birds Tut? (revised)

Postby PaulDreadful » Sun Mar 18, 2018 8:03 pm

I like this. This bit felt really like it knew what it was doing...

We followed the footpath
through a pine grove
to find our old blue tent
snuggled neatly
in a newly formed row


Little half-rhyme with "grove" and "row". The "snuggled neatly" line added a really nice delay to the conclusion of the rhyme.

I will read this more.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
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Re: Do Birds Tut? (revised)

Postby Firebird » Mon Mar 19, 2018 11:17 am

JJ, I missed this one. Just to let you know, I really like it. And I also think what Paul says about those five lines is spot on. They’re great.

Cheers,

Tristan
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Re: Do Birds Tut? (revised)

Postby JJWilliamson » Wed Mar 21, 2018 10:40 pm

Thanks very much, Tristan, for the support. Appreciated.

Sorry about the tardy response but I've been taking it easy after my eye operation (vitrectomy and lens replacement), which went extremely well incidentally.

Best

JJ
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Re: Do Birds Tut? (revised)

Postby Firebird » Wed Mar 21, 2018 11:04 pm

Pleased to hear your op went well. Such things are never nice. Hope thing continue to progress well.

Cheers,

Tristan
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Re: Do Birds Tut? (revised)

Postby JJWilliamson » Fri Mar 23, 2018 7:39 pm

Thank you, kind sir

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