Cross Words (revision4)

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.

Cross Words (revision4)

Postby Macavity » Sun Feb 25, 2018 1:17 pm

revision4

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph,
dwells on the vacant space.

The doodled boats he anchored
in margins were so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.

===================================================

Revision3


She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph
and notes the empty space.

The anchored boats he'd doodle
in margins were so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.


------------------------------------------------------

revision2

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph
and notes the empty space.

The anchored boats doodled
in margins are so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.

He will be clocking-off -
hurrying from the Ship;
past the wharfs, the commas
of cranes, his ink of places.



=====================================================================

revision

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph
and notes the empty space.

The anchored boats doodled
in margins are so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.


original

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph
and notes the empty space.

The anchored boats doodled
in margins are so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
Life is so incomplete.
Last edited by Macavity on Sat Mar 03, 2018 8:38 am, edited 13 times in total.
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4445
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Crosswords

Postby Jackie » Sun Feb 25, 2018 10:02 pm

Mac,

I had to google this one, for sure. From "The Lost Art of Kedging" at sailmagazine.com, I got the idea that you don't kedge unless you're in a pinch, and when you do, it's more the length of the rope than the weight of the anchor that counts.

So I'm thinking that he's coming back, either from sleep or the bathroom-otherwise, why turn on his reading lamp? And he's nearing the end of life but has a long scope with which to view it-otherwise why would he be kedging?

Kedging sounds like a process. Maybe he'd doodle sending out the rope or drawing it in, rather than static anchored boats? And I'm wondering what the last line means. What would make life complete for this woman (I'm assuming that's her voice)?

I enjoyed this intimate setting, looking into the room with these two people.

Jackie
User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1160
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am

Re: Crosswords

Postby Macavity » Mon Feb 26, 2018 8:15 pm

Thanks Jackie. I worked in a Shipping Agent's for a few years. The ships would use the anchor to swing around in the river to come down river for the wharf. It was a method for turning the boat around.

The male is absent from his chair.

all the best

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4445
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Crosswords (revision)

Postby JJWilliamson » Tue Feb 27, 2018 8:49 am

This is delightful on a few levels, with the possibilities of all interp's being right and quite moving.
The revision is easier to get into, I think, especially with the revised close.

I got that he was absent from his chair before reading the thread, mac. The reason for the absence was where the intrigue lay.

Macavity wrote:revision

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair, ...Great opening lines and imagery. Good intro' of lady. I'm already hooked, wanting to now why.
picks up the Telegraph ...Good crossword, or so I've heard. Is this a political link or a nod to his intelligence? Not that it matters.
and notes the empty space. ...Excellent! We've all done that. AND filled in the blanks. AND faced the music afterwards. :)

The anchored boats doodled
in margins are so him. ...Lovely detail and SO believable.
The word's kedging. He'd know. ...Good word and highly appropriate for a crossword clue and poem.
She leaves it incomplete. ...This where the teaser begins. His light was off so he must have gone for an extended period. If he'd nipped to the loo he'd have left the light on. Death of the said man seems unlikely, given that the crossword had only just been left. She'd have noticed it before the quiet musings began.
The close in the original suggests her life is now incomplete, like the crossword. Death or sudden departure could be the cause of this incompleteness.
Love might be the answer and she is missing him but won't touch his crossword. However, she is curious, thinks about completing the puzzle, then rejects the idea. She's interested to see how far he's got, though. OR they might have had a cross word and he's done one in anger.

Whatever, she decides to leave it for him or in memory of him. I keep coming back to the light being off.

Enjoyed thinking about this, mac, and must know what happened. Got to be a good sign.

Best

JJ


original

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph
and notes the empty space.

The anchored boats doodled
in margins are so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
Life is so incomplete.
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2426
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Crosswords (revision)

Postby ray miller » Tue Feb 27, 2018 10:46 am

Kedging is an anagram of kind egg. I'm just saying, because I was wondering what the clue might be. With the explanation that kedging is a means of turning a boat around I can guess the gist and it's pretty clever. But without that explanation?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 6017
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Crosswords (revision)

Postby Jackie » Tue Feb 27, 2018 12:41 pm

Or how about this, Mac?

This is Lady MacBeth, for whom life is SO incomplete. They've had cross words. He wanted to turn the boat around but she finally got him out of his chair and off to the task before he could finalize his retreat by filling in the blanks.

Jackie
User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1160
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am

Re: Crosswords (revision2)

Postby Macavity » Tue Feb 27, 2018 7:56 pm

Thanks JJ, Ray and Jackie.

OR they might have had a cross word and he's done one in anger.


That was my thought JJ, but I was leaving it open...I have closed the options with another stanza. Very pleased you picked up on the doodle JJ.

Kedging is an anagram of kind egg. I'm just saying, because I was wondering what the clue might be.


:lol: Good one Ray!

This is Lady MacBeth


Lets hope she won't be washing blood off her hands Jackie :)

cheers all

Mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4445
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Crosswords (revision2)

Postby Firebird » Wed Feb 28, 2018 11:33 am

I quite like it Mac, but think I prefer it without S3. I prefer to contemplate where he may be. I like the thought that she is incomplete without him and that the living space and their daily routines remind her of his absence. I like the idea that she doesn’t know another word for ‘kedging’. Maybe this implies that she doesn't also know a way to turn things around without him. Some specific points below.

[quote="Macavity"]revision2

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph (I wish it wasn’t the Telegraph, but maybe you have your reasons.)
and notes the empty space. (Like this empty space. It could be him or the word.)

The anchored boats doodled (Not keen on this line break; it implies that the boats did the doodling, but maybe this is what you were going for?)
in margins are so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.

He will be clocking-off -
hurrying from the Ship;
past the wharfs, the commas
of cranes, his ink of places. (Don’t think this stanza adds a lot. In fact I think it limits the interpretations. Just an aside, would his person read the Telegraph?)

Cheers,

Tristan
User avatar
Firebird
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1335
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: Crosswords (revision2)

Postby David » Wed Feb 28, 2018 5:27 pm

I agree with Tristan, Mac - better without S3. Much better, in fact.

Cheers (nautical ones, of course)

David
David
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 13041
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Crosswords (revision3)

Postby Macavity » Wed Feb 28, 2018 9:00 pm

Thanks Tristan and David. I've taken your points on S3 and ditched it. Pleased you picked up on space Tristan. Will ponder your other points.

cheers

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4445
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Crosswords (revision3)

Postby camus » Thu Mar 01, 2018 1:01 am

I liked the original, only because I read it as an elegy.

Perhaps too immediate, but an elegy all the same.

I preferred the simplicity of the first.

Good stuff, as always.

Cheers
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
User avatar
camus
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 5030
Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
Location: Grimbia

Re: Crosswords (revision3)

Postby Macavity » Thu Mar 01, 2018 5:20 am

I liked the original, only because I read it as an elegy.


Thanks Camus. I was playing with the idea originally, but thought the default to domestic ritual was too 'buried' and that the poem was not enough to carry the weight of the 'big ending'. I could perhaps replace 'are' with 'were' and point the poem that way. I guess I don't have the temperament for a more ambitious write!

cheers

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4445
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Crosswords (revision4)

Postby JJWilliamson » Sat Mar 03, 2018 8:00 am

Yes, I think S3 said too much, and the poem is better for its dismissal. :)

I DID wonder about the elegiac potential of the original but rejected the notion because the tone wasn't quite right
for the reasons I mentioned in my first critique. The clue wouldn't have been lying round all that time, so it felt
more of an immediate position, one that was current.

Have you thought about changing the title to "Cross Words" ? Could push the reader in the right direction and provide
a more obvious wordplay. Just a thought.

The restructuring of S2 R4 is better IMHO.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2426
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Cross Words (revision4)

Postby Macavity » Sat Mar 03, 2018 8:41 am

Thanks for taking another look JJ. I've gone with your suggestion. As usual I need to be more transparent!

Cheers

Mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4445
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Cross Words (revision4)

Postby PaulDreadful » Sun Mar 18, 2018 9:14 pm

I like this. Very stark and bare, as is most of the stuff I like. I think I'm attuned to bereft, emptiness.

"Switching on the lamp behind his reading chair" implies he's not there, then this is confirmed by the mention of "empty space". I realise later that might refer to an empty space in the crossword in the Telegraph (or it might mean both - quite clever), but then after reading all of it I realise there is no mention of a crossword at all, apart from the title. But certainly an unanswered crossword clue is implied at the end.

I get a certain bitterness from it, like she knows he's not coming back, for whatever reason. A certain resentment at the fact that he's not there, and if he can't come back to finish the crossword then she's certainly not going to do it. Perhaps he died and she feels cheated by life because of this. Perhaps he left after an argument (Cross Words - the title).

That's what I get from it. Nice work.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
User avatar
PaulDreadful
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2018 10:51 pm

Re: Cross Words (revision4)

Postby Macavity » Sun Mar 18, 2018 9:40 pm

Cheers Paul. Liked the way you have keyed into the poem and picked up on intended narratives threads. Appreciated. Look forward to your writes. Welcome to the forum!

best

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4445
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am


Return to Post-a-Poem (Beginners)

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group