1950's Traffic Jam

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Macavity
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Re: Traffic Jam

Post by Macavity » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:56 am

You have a readable irony here FT, structured within a relevant rhyme scheme, and I enjoyed the poem. Maybe envious, and envied x2, a little repetitive?


We had a car, not many did,
purchased and fueled by bread and jam
for tea for years, a fact I hid............................I lost track here
from envious friends who’d mock the sham
of my dad’s posture of success
if they’d known cars meant eating less...................like a rhyme which reinforces the narrative theme

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I envied chicken Sunday lunch
and hearing their mum’s recipes....................why would a child be listening to another mother's recipes?
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating all car trips
a salivating yearn for chips.

Macavity
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by Macavity » Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:02 pm

That's ok FT. I understand...not sure why I was confused :?

best

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Dec 09, 2017 7:58 pm

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Enjoyed this fortytwo.
The social history is fascinating and cleverly and concisely evoked.

Very strong start, particularly 'fuelled by bead and jam'.
(though 'purchased' seems a bit too soft)
Wondered if the last line of S1 should be specific rather than general,
if 'cars' could be replaced by a make/model?
This might obviate the need for a title that doesn't serve the piece that well
(I keep of hearing 'are we there yet? ' :))

S2 could be a bit tighter overall, I think -
'lusted for their' rather than 'lusted chicken', for instance.
similarly L3 doesn't seem to work that well.
What would N's reaction have been to hearing a recipe?
two small suggestions
'for dishes full of bite and crunch'
'was a yearning salivation for chips'.

Regards, Not.
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NotQuiteSure
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Dec 10, 2017 3:19 pm

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The S1 revisions work very well.
Would you consider 'fuelled and financed' (for its rhythm)?
Just curious, why not 'a Ford'?

Regards, Not.
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Macavity
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by Macavity » Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:57 am

Hi FT,
I see you have made a number of diction changes. Perhaps you may want to consider the alliterative cluster L2-4. Again, so much is about subjective preference, especially in terms of soundscapes.

Interesting you have used the word 'lightweight'. I found an anger in the original tone. It depends on how much you wish to foreground that emotion. I presumed the fricatives were used to convey that emotion. The alliteration does turn up the volume.

best

mac

Walton
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by Walton » Wed Dec 13, 2017 10:19 am

Nice work 42, always reassuring to see you, and I enjoyed your rhyme.

I offer, a revision:

Dad had a car, not many did,
fired by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid
jealous kid jesters, would slam;
pride mistaking a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"

So while, no doubt, they envied me,
my lust for hot, belly full
as they inhaled mum’s recipe
for platefuls of fat and crackle!
whilst dominating our car trips
those little crispy chips, tease
my mind’s lips

I dunno, I like things a bit quirky! Just some thoughts from another point.

Cheers,

W


P.S. just in case it doesn’t travel - crackle, in UK crackling is crispy roast pork skin, really salty, there’s a pub snack version
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me

David Smedley
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by David Smedley » Wed Dec 13, 2017 4:39 pm

Dad had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid
from jealous kids who’d mock the sham;
pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted their hot Sunday lunch
as they inhaled mum’s recipe
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
whilst dominating our car trips
my salivating yearn for chips.
A "recipe" cannot be "inhaled."

You have stuck to a syllable count. Verse one is ok in its composition, but verse two (because of trying to stay true to the syllable count) is not, for me line 2 is missing a word (to make sense); the same goes for either L5 or 6, namely "was." You can negate the "was" with a comma after "trips," therefore splitting the seperate thoughts. You also need a comma after "me" line 1 verse 2. Full stop maybe better too after "crunch."

You added "forfeit dinner" to the end of verse 1 which gave a kind of clarity to line 3 of the verse, but for me the better clarity of the "deprivation" came in your first draft.

You also had a rhyming scheme, The composition of the piece leads me to think the rhyming is forced, there is just something about the whole thing that does not read smoothly because the rhyme mixed with the syllable count takes precedent rather than more sense.
Yes keep the constraints, but more work needs to go into them to attain a mastery of those constraints. See link below.
pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"
The lines above need (for me) (in the final revision) more clarity.
Whose pride? without the preceding drafts this would be hard to ascertain. Who is "misjudging? Why isn't it a "winner" after so much sacrifice? Why would the kids "mock" if they do not even own a car? And the last line is an internal thought of "N" that needs (for me) external explanation.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... in-england

David.

Walton
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by Walton » Thu Dec 14, 2017 3:15 pm

fortytwo wrote:Hi Walton. I like your quirkiness and although you have taken my basic piece you have given it your particular stamp of originality and now I think yours stands in its own right. I'm very conventional really when it comes to rhyme and stress in formal rhyming verse and I am keen to develop a more flexible approach but that's still in its early stages because as ancient as I am I have only been writing for a very few years. Thanks again. Incidentally I am in the UK and are we talking pork scratching's, the dentists friend. :wink:
Hahaha, nice, I’m in Bristol, you?

And thank you. I’m always afraid I’ll mess with someone’s poem, and have it be taken badly - that’s a fine compliment, very much appreciated; but for the extra weight of expectation it places on one happy to try things while there’s little distance to fall!

If you’re from the UK, I would love to see if mine is making a bit more sense? I’ve added notes, you’ll probably only need a a couple of key lines (Je Re Moggy).

Actually, two questions, if it’s ok, as I’m new, notes alongside yay/nay? And how about this alt. title:

Jacob Ree. sexual iMmorality - oh good god!

Too much?

From chilly clear skied Bristol
with tired sun salting slug cloud,
tea time

W
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me

Walton
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by Walton » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:27 pm

Well put.

And, yes! Thank you, on Jacob- an enjoyable write!

Please, I welcome different perspective, any comments/queries/discrepancies, even suggestions/shared rants!
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me

Walton
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by Walton » Tue Dec 19, 2017 5:37 am

I can be a bit dense - poetry and otherwise.

Please, feedback my feedback whenever you feel.

I know I can be abrupt at the best of times - nothing meant - and, I enjoy the reading/discussion so I’d rather it well received.

Open to suggestions,

W
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me

Walton
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by Walton » Tue Dec 19, 2017 6:27 pm

Well look at me all nervous nelly!

Let me return the blessing, with offering - somewhat free: Sylvia Plath, of Ariel, Rook, or Yew Tree... does for me, so much.

P.S. A bit soon for another on here, but sneak peak the latest rant at Tory!
https://medium.com/@M.p.L/davis-mogg-an ... 1513709527
Just a lark really, but calming.
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me

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Firebird
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by Firebird » Mon Jan 01, 2018 6:58 pm

Hi FT,

I really like the first 4 lines of s1, but lines 5 & 6 don’t works as well for me. Overall the piece has effective rhymes and the lines have good rhythm. Some specific points below.

Dad had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid
from jealous kids who’d mock the scam
of pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner" (this line doesn’t work for me.)

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted their hot Sunday lunch (great line)
as they indulged in recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
whilst dominating our car trips (there is something about the transitionary ‘whilst’ that doesn’t quite link these two lines correctly. Maybe: ‘that dominated our car trips/ with an overwhelming ...’)
an overwhelming yearn for chips.(nice ending).

[/b][/quote]

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

Macavity
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Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Post by Macavity » Thu Jan 04, 2018 5:04 am

Some bold revisions ft. Some of which worked for me and some where I prefer the original or your other options mentioned. Perhaps I connect more with the poem where it is less clever.

Dad had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid.................................the alliterative f conveys the anger, deprivation pins the severity
from jealous kids who’d mock the scam............I felt that 'sham' summed up th shallowness, 'jealous' pitches the child reaction
of pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"............had they known Ford meant eating less...the simpler revision had more edge for me

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted for their hot Sunday lunch..............preferred the specifics of the original, the repeat of envied did give emphasis here
as they indulged in recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating our car trips
an overwhelming yearn for chips.......................conveys that hunger for

best

mac





fortytwo wrote:We had a car, not many did,
purchased and fueled by bread and jam
for tea for years, a fact I hid
from envious friends who’d mock the sham
of my dad’s posture of success
if they’d known cars meant eating less.

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I envied chicken Sunday lunch
then smelling their mum’s recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating all car trips
a salivating yearn for chips.

Revised
We had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam
for tea for years, a fact I hid ......
OR food deprivation that I hid
from jealous friends who’d mock the sham
of my dad’s posture of success..............................
had they known Ford meant eating less.
[b]OR....dad mistaking as a winner
Ford denoting "Forfeit dinner"


So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted their hot Sunday lunch,
inhaling their mum’s recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating our car trips
my salivating yearn for chips.

FINAL REVISION

Dad had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid
from jealous kids who’d mock the scam
of pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted their hot Sunday lunch
as they indulged in recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating our car trips
an overwhelming yearn for chips.


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