1950's Traffic Jam

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.

1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Fri Dec 08, 2017 11:38 am

We had a car, not many did,
purchased and fueled by bread and jam
for tea for years, a fact I hid
from envious friends who’d mock the sham
of my dad’s posture of success
if they’d known cars meant eating less.

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I envied chicken Sunday lunch
then smelling their mum’s recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating all car trips
a salivating yearn for chips.

Revised
We had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam
for tea for years, a fact I hid ......
OR food deprivation that I hid
from jealous friends who’d mock the sham
of my dad’s posture of success..............................
had they known Ford meant eating less.
[b]OR....dad mistaking as a winner
[b]Ford denoting "For
feit dinner"


So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted their hot Sunday lunch,
inhaling their mum’s recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating our car trips
my salivating yearn for chips.

FINAL REVISION

Dad had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid
from jealous kids who’d mock the scam
of pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted their hot Sunday lunch
as they indulged in recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating our car trips
an overwhelming yearn for chips.

Last edited by fortytwo on Tue Jan 02, 2018 6:36 pm, edited 34 times in total.
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: Traffic Jam

Postby Macavity » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:56 am

You have a readable irony here FT, structured within a relevant rhyme scheme, and I enjoyed the poem. Maybe envious, and envied x2, a little repetitive?


We had a car, not many did,
purchased and fueled by bread and jam
for tea for years, a fact I hid............................I lost track here
from envious friends who’d mock the sham
of my dad’s posture of success
if they’d known cars meant eating less...................like a rhyme which reinforces the narrative theme

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I envied chicken Sunday lunch
and hearing their mum’s recipes....................why would a child be listening to another mother's recipes?
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating all car trips
a salivating yearn for chips.
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4196
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Sat Dec 09, 2017 11:51 am

Thanks for reading and commenting Mac.
The poem is set in the 50's, post war England when some food was still rationed after the war but also more generally food had a kind of status, which of course some still has today, but then it included what today we would regard as pretty ordinary.
The attitude to food then after it had been in such short supply throughout the war was very different to today. I can remember friends bragging about their mum's recipes, only loosely described of course, but to the child in this poem who was food deprived such descriptions resonated hence the second part of the second stanza. Sorry can't think why you lost track at the point you did so don't know what I can say to help.
Thanks again. I am however going to add a date to the title to help clarify the context of the piece and change "hearing" to "smelling". Also take the point about the repetition of "envious"
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby Macavity » Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:02 pm

That's ok FT. I understand...not sure why I was confused :?

best

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4196
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby NotQuiteSure » Sat Dec 09, 2017 7:58 pm

     
Enjoyed this fortytwo.
The social history is fascinating and cleverly and concisely evoked.

Very strong start, particularly 'fuelled by bead and jam'.
(though 'purchased' seems a bit too soft)
Wondered if the last line of S1 should be specific rather than general,
if 'cars' could be replaced by a make/model?
This might obviate the need for a title that doesn't serve the piece that well
(I keep of hearing 'are we there yet? ' :))

S2 could be a bit tighter overall, I think -
'lusted for their' rather than 'lusted chicken', for instance.
similarly L3 doesn't seem to work that well.
What would N's reaction have been to hearing a recipe?
two small suggestions
'for dishes full of bite and crunch'
'was a yearning salivation for chips'.

Regards, Not.
     
NotQuiteSure
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 500
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Sun Dec 10, 2017 12:44 pm

Not, thank you for the suggestions in regard to the poem. I'll give them some thought and revise accordingly. Regards.
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby NotQuiteSure » Sun Dec 10, 2017 3:19 pm

     
The S1 revisions work very well.
Would you consider 'fuelled and financed' (for its rhythm)?
Just curious, why not 'a Ford'?

Regards, Not.
     
NotQuiteSure
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 500
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Sun Dec 10, 2017 3:52 pm

Hi Not. Yours and Mac's suggestions certainly motivated me to revise this lightweight little poem. A couple of the suggestions would disturb the stresses and maintenance of an eight syllable line which I,m keen to keep.
Thanks again for your most helpful thoughts
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby Macavity » Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:57 am

Hi FT,
I see you have made a number of diction changes. Perhaps you may want to consider the alliterative cluster L2-4. Again, so much is about subjective preference, especially in terms of soundscapes.

Interesting you have used the word 'lightweight'. I found an anger in the original tone. It depends on how much you wish to foreground that emotion. I presumed the fricatives were used to convey that emotion. The alliteration does turn up the volume.

best

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4196
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Mon Dec 11, 2017 12:10 pm

Hi again Mac. You make very pertinent points. I have to confess however that the poem is not an exact depiction of events as they happened but a combination of experiences. We did have a car when few did although we were far from wealthy and I'm sure sacrifices were made but not of the bread and jam variety. That part is true but it was a family who lived nearby to us who made the sacrifice so that they could afford a TV when few had those either.
As far as the poem is concerned one could go on endlessly revising and things don't necessarily improve as I might have demonstrated by my suggestions for alternative lines but thank you again for your literate and thoughtful suggestions..
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby Walton » Wed Dec 13, 2017 10:19 am

Nice work 42, always reassuring to see you, and I enjoyed your rhyme.

I offer, a revision:

Dad had a car, not many did,
fired by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid
jealous kid jesters, would slam;
pride mistaking a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"

So while, no doubt, they envied me,
my lust for hot, belly full
as they inhaled mum’s recipe
for platefuls of fat and crackle!
whilst dominating our car trips
those little crispy chips, tease
my mind’s lips

I dunno, I like things a bit quirky! Just some thoughts from another point.

Cheers,

W


P.S. just in case it doesn’t travel - crackle, in UK crackling is crispy roast pork skin, really salty, there’s a pub snack version
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me
Walton
 
Posts: 32
Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:18 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Wed Dec 13, 2017 11:25 am

Hi Walton. I like your quirkiness and although you have taken my basic piece you have given it your particular stamp of originality and now I think yours stands in its own right. I'm very conventional really when it comes to rhyme and stress in formal rhyming verse and I am keen to develop a more flexible approach but that's still in its early stages because as ancient as I am I have only been writing for a very few years. Thanks again. Incidentally I am in the UK and are we talking pork scratching's, the dentists friend. :wink:
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby David Smedley » Wed Dec 13, 2017 4:39 pm

Dad had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid
from jealous kids who’d mock the sham;
pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted their hot Sunday lunch
as they inhaled mum’s recipe
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
whilst dominating our car trips
my salivating yearn for chips.


A "recipe" cannot be "inhaled."

You have stuck to a syllable count. Verse one is ok in its composition, but verse two (because of trying to stay true to the syllable count) is not, for me line 2 is missing a word (to make sense); the same goes for either L5 or 6, namely "was." You can negate the "was" with a comma after "trips," therefore splitting the seperate thoughts. You also need a comma after "me" line 1 verse 2. Full stop maybe better too after "crunch."

You added "forfeit dinner" to the end of verse 1 which gave a kind of clarity to line 3 of the verse, but for me the better clarity of the "deprivation" came in your first draft.

You also had a rhyming scheme, The composition of the piece leads me to think the rhyming is forced, there is just something about the whole thing that does not read smoothly because the rhyme mixed with the syllable count takes precedent rather than more sense.
Yes keep the constraints, but more work needs to go into them to attain a mastery of those constraints. See link below.

pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"

The lines above need (for me) (in the final revision) more clarity.
Whose pride? without the preceding drafts this would be hard to ascertain. Who is "misjudging? Why isn't it a "winner" after so much sacrifice? Why would the kids "mock" if they do not even own a car? And the last line is an internal thought of "N" that needs (for me) external explanation.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... in-england

David.
David Smedley
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 638
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Thu Dec 14, 2017 2:07 am

Interesting observations DS mainly in what they tell me about you and your attitude to rhyme and understanding of it but not accurate except for a couple of punctuation errors [in my opinion]. Thank you for that but otherwise I am happy with the poem as it stands
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby Walton » Thu Dec 14, 2017 3:15 pm

fortytwo wrote:Hi Walton. I like your quirkiness and although you have taken my basic piece you have given it your particular stamp of originality and now I think yours stands in its own right. I'm very conventional really when it comes to rhyme and stress in formal rhyming verse and I am keen to develop a more flexible approach but that's still in its early stages because as ancient as I am I have only been writing for a very few years. Thanks again. Incidentally I am in the UK and are we talking pork scratching's, the dentists friend. :wink:


Hahaha, nice, I’m in Bristol, you?

And thank you. I’m always afraid I’ll mess with someone’s poem, and have it be taken badly - that’s a fine compliment, very much appreciated; but for the extra weight of expectation it places on one happy to try things while there’s little distance to fall!

If you’re from the UK, I would love to see if mine is making a bit more sense? I’ve added notes, you’ll probably only need a a couple of key lines (Je Re Moggy).

Actually, two questions, if it’s ok, as I’m new, notes alongside yay/nay? And how about this alt. title:

Jacob Ree. sexual iMmorality - oh good god!

Too much?

From chilly clear skied Bristol
with tired sun salting slug cloud,
tea time

W
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me
Walton
 
Posts: 32
Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:18 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Sun Dec 17, 2017 10:53 pm

Hi Walton, sorry for late reply. As for questions, well I'm new here myself. For me whether you opt for notes alongside lines, which does seem to be the norm, or whether you opt for some alternative, the important thing is to comment with honesty and integrity and preferably some element of humility as we all have our limitations. As for Jacob Ree etc !! yes too much :) :)
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby Walton » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:27 pm

Well put.

And, yes! Thank you, on Jacob- an enjoyable write!

Please, I welcome different perspective, any comments/queries/discrepancies, even suggestions/shared rants!
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me
Walton
 
Posts: 32
Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:18 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Tue Dec 19, 2017 1:06 am

Yes Waton informed and effective suggestions are always welcome but I think many of us have the same attitude to our poetry we have to our children, we on't want to hand them over to visually impaired abusers. 8)
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby Walton » Tue Dec 19, 2017 5:37 am

I can be a bit dense - poetry and otherwise.

Please, feedback my feedback whenever you feel.

I know I can be abrupt at the best of times - nothing meant - and, I enjoy the reading/discussion so I’d rather it well received.

Open to suggestions,

W
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me
Walton
 
Posts: 32
Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:18 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Tue Dec 19, 2017 3:32 pm

My previous comment was in no way a reference to you or anyone esse specifically. Just a general comment. Walton always glad to have your input . Good luck with the ooetry I will watch with interest. Cheers
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby Walton » Tue Dec 19, 2017 6:27 pm

Well look at me all nervous nelly!

Let me return the blessing, with offering - somewhat free: Sylvia Plath, of Ariel, Rook, or Yew Tree... does for me, so much.

P.S. A bit soon for another on here, but sneak peak the latest rant at Tory!
https://medium.com/@M.p.L/davis-mogg-an ... 1513709527
Just a lark really, but calming.
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me
Walton
 
Posts: 32
Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:18 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Mon Jan 01, 2018 11:54 am

Hi Walton. Interesting read. I have considered going back to that old chestnut, the Eton factor, which should never be underestimated in Tory politics.
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby Firebird » Mon Jan 01, 2018 6:58 pm

Hi FT,

I really like the first 4 lines of s1, but lines 5 & 6 don’t works as well for me. Overall the piece has effective rhymes and the lines have good rhythm. Some specific points below.

Dad had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid
from jealous kids who’d mock the scam
of pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner" (this line doesn’t work for me.)

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted their hot Sunday lunch (great line)
as they indulged in recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
whilst dominating our car trips (there is something about the transitionary ‘whilst’ that doesn’t quite link these two lines correctly. Maybe: ‘that dominated our car trips/ with an overwhelming ...’)
an overwhelming yearn for chips.(nice ending).

[/b][/quote]

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan
User avatar
Firebird
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1177
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby fortytwo » Tue Jan 02, 2018 6:35 pm

Hi Fireird.
Good point "whilst" much better as just "while"
I'll look at your other points and see if they have relevance for me
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:58 pm

Re: 1950's Traffic Jam

Postby Macavity » Thu Jan 04, 2018 5:04 am

Some bold revisions ft. Some of which worked for me and some where I prefer the original or your other options mentioned. Perhaps I connect more with the poem where it is less clever.

Dad had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid.................................the alliterative f conveys the anger, deprivation pins the severity
from jealous kids who’d mock the scam............I felt that 'sham' summed up th shallowness, 'jealous' pitches the child reaction
of pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"............had they known Ford meant eating less...the simpler revision had more edge for me

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted for their hot Sunday lunch..............preferred the specifics of the original, the repeat of envied did give emphasis here
as they indulged in recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating our car trips
an overwhelming yearn for chips.......................conveys that hunger for

best

mac





fortytwo wrote:We had a car, not many did,
purchased and fueled by bread and jam
for tea for years, a fact I hid
from envious friends who’d mock the sham
of my dad’s posture of success
if they’d known cars meant eating less.

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I envied chicken Sunday lunch
then smelling their mum’s recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating all car trips
a salivating yearn for chips.

[b]Revised
We had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam
for tea for years, a fact I hid ......
OR food deprivation that I hid
from jealous friends who’d mock the sham
of my dad’s posture of success..............................
had they known Ford meant eating less.
[b]OR....dad mistaking as a winner
[b]Ford denoting "For
feit dinner"


So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted their hot Sunday lunch,
inhaling their mum’s recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating our car trips
my salivating yearn for chips.

FINAL REVISION

Dad had a car, not many did,
financed and fuelled by bread and jam,
food deprivation that I hid
from jealous kids who’d mock the scam
of pride misjudging as a winner
ForD denoting "Forfeit Dinner"

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I lusted their hot Sunday lunch
as they indulged in recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating our car trips
an overwhelming yearn for chips.

Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4196
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Next

Return to Post-a-Poem (Beginners)

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group