Hare revision1

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David Smedley
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Hare revision1

Post by David Smedley » Sat Sep 23, 2017 4:26 pm

We hear engines at the same time
and both stand up on two legs;

me from the grass where I sit picnicking,
the hare from the grass he is hidden by;

we cock our heads the better to listen,
his long furred ears twitch.

They emerge from the trees! off-roaders
on motorbikes, they don't see him

and he goes under the wheels, but no, he's up
and away, sprinting from beneath them; jinking left,

right, right, jumping a ditch haunches bunched,
body the same copper colour as the bracken

he disappears into. I watch the bikers disappear too,
oblivious to the unfolding drama.





We hear the growl of engines at the same time
and both stand up on two legs; me from the grass bank

where we sit picnicking, you from the grass that you are eating;
we cock our heads the better to listen, your long furred ears twitch.

They emerge from the trees! off-roaders on motorbikes, they don't see you
but it's like the cavalry after the last Indian, and you go under the wheels,

but no, your up and away, sprinting from beneath them; slewing left,
right, right, jumping a ditch haunches bunched, body the same copper colour

as the rusty bracken you disappear into. I watch the bikers disappear too,
oblivious to the drama.
Last edited by David Smedley on Mon Sep 25, 2017 3:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Macavity
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Re: Hare

Post by Macavity » Sun Sep 24, 2017 2:57 am

David Smedley wrote:We hear the growl of engines at the same time
and both stand up on two legs; me from the grass bank

where we sit picnicking, you from the grass that you are eating;...........seems obvious?
we cock our heads the better to listen, your long furred ears twitch.

They emerge from the trees! off-roaders on motorbikes, they don't see you
[s]but it's like the cavalry after the last Indian,[/s] and you go under the wheels,................the simile took me out of the scene

but no, your up and away, sprinting from beneath them; slewing left,
right, right, jumping a ditch haunches bunched, body the same copper colour

as the [s]rusty[/s] bracken you disappear into. I watch the bikers disappear too,..................colour is already established?
oblivious to the drama.
L3 - I think you want to parallel the eating, and proximity, but the hare is surviving not picnicking? The hare is on the grass bank too?

'I sit picnicking - would establish difference.

There is an option to just use the opening L1-L4 rather than detail the drama, but I guess you want the contrast.

best

mac

Joao
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Re: Hare

Post by Joao » Mon Sep 25, 2017 2:55 pm

I also think the first part is the best; the standoff: ‘for which of the two of us are they coming?’. But I think I disagree with mac on ‘picnicking’: ‘we sat picnicking’ is the key to their shared tranquility before the motorbikes appear.

Perhaps you can make the beginning a bit more succinct (?):

We both hear the growl of engines
and stand up on two legs
where we sit picnicking...

I’d say you don’t need “long furred”: your title takes care of this.

I like the cavalry simile: it strikes the right explosive note of change – I think it’s good that is a bit incongruous. Again, perhaps a bit less explanation would be better:

They emerge from the trees! like the cavalry after the last Indian…

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Re: Hare revision1

Post by David Smedley » Mon Sep 25, 2017 3:07 pm

Cheers Mac, had a minor tamper with this and took some of your thoughts on.

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Re: Hare revision1

Post by Macavity » Tue Sep 26, 2017 3:43 am

hi David

Definitely more dynamic in the revised format. Interesting you revised to gender specific. jinking/jumping are a nice sonic mix.

best

mac

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Re: Hare revision1

Post by David Smedley » Tue Sep 26, 2017 7:47 am

Joao, thank you for your read and thoughts on the poem, appreciated. David.

Your right about me wanting to highlight the shared things about us, that's the way I think about nature. Happy it came through.

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Re: Hare revision1

Post by JJWilliamson » Wed Sep 27, 2017 8:51 am

I have a soft spot for all things natural, David, this one being no exception. My predisposition might be clouding my vision, of course, but I did enjoy this poem
for its observations and believability. It reminded me of Watership Down, only with their larger cousins.

Some thoughts for your consideration. Do with them what you will:

David Smedley wrote:We hear engines [s]at the same time.[/s]and both stand up on two legs; ...I miss the engine noise.

me from the grass where I sit picnicking,
the hare from the grass he is hidden by; ...by or in?

we cock our heads the better to listen,
his long furred ears twitch. ...Can we take 'furred' for granted? Even 'long' could go.

They emerge from the trees! off-roaders
on motorbikes, they don't see him ...Perhaps "trial bikes" for clarity.

and he goes under the wheels, but no, he's up ...'but no' could go.
and away, sprinting from beneath them; jinking left, ...We know he went under the wheels, so could he be sprinting for cover or safety?

right, right, jumping a ditch haunches bunched, ...That ditch and image is perfect.
body the same copper colour as the bracken

he disappears into. I watch the bikers disappear too,
oblivious to the unfolding drama. ...I like the oblivious aspects of your close, but could they be oblivious to something more dramatic? EG anguish, terror etc


A good poem with plenty of drama, and from the hare's perspective to boot. Enjoyed.

Best

JJ




We hear the growl of engines at the same time
and both stand up on two legs; me from the grass bank

where we sit picnicking, you from the grass that you are eating;
we cock our heads the better to listen, your long furred ears twitch.

They emerge from the trees! off-roaders on motorbikes, they don't see you
but it's like the cavalry after the last Indian, and you go under the wheels,

but no, your up and away, sprinting from beneath them; slewing left,
right, right, jumping a ditch haunches bunched, body the same copper colour

as the rusty bracken you disappear into. I watch the bikers disappear too,
oblivious to the drama.
Long time a child and still a child

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Luce
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Re: Hare revision1

Post by Luce » Wed Sep 27, 2017 2:46 pm

I like how you captured this brief moment. You have a sharp eye for movement. However, I think you need to drill it down and add some more sonics. It does read a little like prose.

Luce


[quote="David Smedley"]We hear engines at the same time
and both stand up [s]on two legs;[/s]

I'd cut the line as shown. Let the fact unfold slowly in the poem that the N and the hare are the two things standing and listening. Also, the way the line is written, it seems to infer that the N has more than two legs besides the hare.

me from the grass where I sit picnicking,
the hare from the grass he is hidden by;

Maybe something more active than "picnicking". I think it's "sat" as oppose to "sit".

we cock our heads the better to listen,
his long furred ears twitch.

I think I would continue the similarity of behavior of the N (human) and hare:

we cock our heads the better to listen,
our ears twitching.


They emerge from the trees! off-roaders
on motorbikes, they don't see him

I'd put a comma after trees. A period after motorbikes. Make "they don't see him", a sentence.

They emerge from the trees, off-roaders
on motorbikes. They don't see him.


and he goes under the wheels, but no, he's up
and away, sprinting from beneath them; jinking left,

I think you need a line explaining how the hare got under the wheels. Did the off-roaders inadvertently went too near his hiding spot? The action reminds me a little of a boxing match "..he goes under...but no, he's up...jinking left, right, right..." Not sure if it's a good thing or not. It may just be me.

I'd omit "and" in L1 and capitalized "he".

"He goes under the wheels...."


right, right, jumping a ditch haunches bunched,
body the same copper colour as the bracken

I like the sonics/action of "haunches bunched".

he disappears into. I watch the bikers disappear too,
oblivious to the unfolding drama.

Maybe another word for the bikers disappearing rather than use the same word "disappear" again. In this instance you want a sharp contrast between the bikers and the hare. Perhaps using the physical appearance of their bikes, to represent the bikers, could make for a sharper contrast between them and the hare.
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

David Smedley
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Re: Hare revision1

Post by David Smedley » Fri Sep 29, 2017 6:39 pm

JJ.
Luce.

Thanks for your thoughts here.

Luce I am interested in prose poems and your right about the prosy feel. The revision does not read too much like a prose poem as much as the original (my take). I like the original better for that (even though the changes are minimal). Will keep all in mind from you both.

David.

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Re: Hare revision1

Post by Charles » Sun Oct 08, 2017 6:58 pm

Hi,

I preferred the revision. Mostly because it seemed jumpier with the smaller lines, which I think fits in better with the story where there is a lot of movement.

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Re: Hare revision1

Post by David Smedley » Tue Oct 10, 2017 4:46 pm

Charles, thank you for your thoughts here. D.

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