The untrustworthy ones,

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k-j
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The untrustworthy ones,

Post by k-j » Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:00 pm

oh, you watch out for them –
the person whose friend is your enemy’s friend –
you watch out for them, or you’re screwed,

for you can’t apprehend
the untrustworthy ones –
and you won’t get a chance to condemn –
and your enemy’s enemy’s enemy’s friend
is your enemy too.

It’s too late by Performance Review:
insufficiently attentive to cost overruns...
good networker, lacks follow-through...


Yes, you watch out for them in the corporate sphere –
if you want to get on, anyway –
you screw them before they screw you and then screw them again to be sure,
you screw their career,
while guarding your back
from counter-attack
by assailants obscure,
lest predator end up as prey:

which is not to imply
that it’s wise to rely
on a beatnik or bard or B.A.
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: The untrustworthy ones,

Post by bodkin » Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:29 pm

Capital "O" at the start?

Enjoyed, but I am not sure what the last strophe means... I didn't think you were suggesting relying on anybody, quite the reverse.

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Re: The untrustworthy ones,

Post by David » Wed Feb 15, 2017 4:56 pm

Life in the corporate shark pool?

The title is really the first line as well, isn't it? It reads nicely like that, anyway.

I'm not even going to try to work out "your enemy’s enemy’s enemy’s friend" - shades of Crackerjack!, and little does he know that I know that he knows ...

Come on, who else remembers Crackerjack!? Not just me, surely? Honestly, where's Geoff when you need him? (I mean that in a much broader sense too.)

Only in this line - you screw them before they screw you and then screw them again to be sure - did I seem to lose that overriding rhythm, but it may just have been too long for me.

I think it's very good, and I'm glad I'm not swimming in it with you.

Cheers

David

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Re: The untrustworthy ones,

Post by Ros » Wed Feb 15, 2017 8:09 pm

I think it all works brilliantly until the last 3 lines - I suppose you're contrasting corporate person with someone more offbeat, but I don't think the contrast is strong enough - no reason why corporate guy can't also be a BA or a bard.

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Luce
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Re: The untrustworthy ones,

Post by Luce » Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:46 am

I get it. I get it. Watch your back. :D

Luce

k-j wrote:oh, you watch out for them –
the person whose friend is your enemy’s friend –
you watch out for them, or you’re screwed,

Message is clear but some juicy office detail would have been better. How can you spot them? What do they do?

for you can’t apprehend
the untrustworthy ones –
and you won’t get a chance to condemn –
and your enemy’s enemy’s enemy’s friend
is your enemy too.

Again, some imagery would be nice here. Right now it just sounds like a rant. Nice rhythm though.

It’s too late by Performance Review:
insufficiently attentive to cost overruns...
good networker, lacks follow-through...


Ahhh yes. It brings back memories when my Assistant Director wanted me to accept a "satisfactory" rating even though my Manager already had me as "outstanding". The "outstanding" rating meant a raise for me.

However, my Assistant Director already gave all the extra monies for raises away to his buddies in the early part of the year. There was nothing left in the till when my review came up in September. Thank God that between the Director and HRD, they forced the Assistant Director to cough up the raise money for me. This meant that one of his cronies wasn't getting a raise after all. Yes, I was lucky. The Director had my back that time.


Yes, you watch out for them in the corporate sphere –
if you want to get on, anyway –
you screw them before they screw you and then screw them again to be sure,
you screw their career,
while guarding your back
from counter-attack
by assailants obscure,
lest predator end up as prey:

Ok!!!! I get the message. You're kind of repeating yourself, almost to ad nauseam.

which is not to imply
that it’s wise to rely
on a beatnik or bard or B.A.

Beatnik? What decade are you in? I know you're trying to stay with the "b" consonant string here (beatnik, bard or BA) but it sounds odd and forced. I'd try something else. Maybe put truer office animals for detail and some soft sonics like... "the pleaser, slacker or packrat smoker".

Not crazy about suddenly using perfect rhyme in the closing lines (imply/rely). Sounds very odd.
Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

k-j
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Re: The untrustworthy ones,

Post by k-j » Mon Mar 13, 2017 2:18 am

Thanks all. This is a super-oldie which was originally about the horribleness of academia. I dredged it up and changed the second half (from line 9.5) so it was about the corporate world instead.

Ian, idea in last bit is that the previous has been all about how awful corporate people are... but really people in general are like that regardless of degree...

David, the title is indeed the first line. Is there a good way to signal this unambiguously on PG?

Ros, OK, but hardly anyone in the corporate world these days is a BA. Those days are almost gone, something I lament unendingly.

Luce, surely there are still beatniks. They just don't call themselves that. But I take your point about "truer office animals" (magnificent expression).
fine words butter no parsnips

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