Missing the Green

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JJWilliamson
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Missing the Green

Post by JJWilliamson » Fri Jan 20, 2017 1:53 pm

The ball landed short, bobbled
into a thicket of bushes.

Watch out for the adders cried
a guy from the adjacent fairway.

I often think about that ball,
wondering where it lies.
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Missing the Green

Post by Antcliff » Fri Jan 20, 2017 2:57 pm

I liked this, JJ

It is short and sweet, so there is not much scope for critting. Of course the title plays on two meanings of "miss" and I always like to see such in a title.

I look forward to seeing the adders in March. There is a spot in the garden they have used for two years.


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Re: Missing the Green

Post by Luce » Fri Jan 20, 2017 4:30 pm

JJWilliamson wrote:The ball landed short, bobbled
into a thicket of bushes.

Watch out for the adders cried
a guy from the adjacent fairway.

I often think about that ball,
wondering where it lies.
There was a recent TV commercial featuring a "free-roaming" chicken who actually free-roamed the country (catching trains, eating at diners, sharing a campfire in an RV park). Obviously everyone is oblivious to the fact that he's a chicken, in the commercial. Once in awhile he'd do a selfie (showing in the background where he's at). He'd send it to the farmer, whom he lived with. The farmer would show the selfie to his wife and say, "He's always sending pictures."

The ball reminds me of this commercial. Therefore, I'd say "wondering where it's been." Give it life why don't you. :D

Luce
Last edited by Luce on Fri Jan 20, 2017 5:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

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Re: Missing the Green

Post by Ros » Fri Jan 20, 2017 5:08 pm

Nice, but I think it does need a little more of a kick in the last line. The adders give an impression of something more happening, and then it doesn't.

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Re: Missing the Green

Post by Macavity » Sat Jan 21, 2017 4:07 am

JJWilliamson wrote:The ball landed short, bobbled
into a thicket of bushes.

Watch out for the adders cried
a guy from the adjacent fairway.
Just a thought JJ... to create the space for the reader to continue the write rather than weighting/constraining the poem with the 'I' perspective. Either way enjoyed.

best

mac

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Re: Missing the Green

Post by Lou » Sat Jan 21, 2017 7:11 am

I wouldn't change any of this. The cowardly N. at the close is a perfect ending, and he's absolutely right. What's a game of golf when you risk being being bitten by a snake?

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Lou

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Re: Missing the Green

Post by JJWilliamson » Sat Jan 21, 2017 5:58 pm

Thanks Seth, Luce, Ros, Mac and Lou, for the feedback. Appreciated.

This was actually inspired by Seth’s adder in “Experienced”. It reminded me of the day I fell short on an uphill par three, on the 9 hole golf course at Crook, Kendal. To have Seth and Crook associated with the same poem is weird. See link https://www.google.co.uk/maps/uv?hl=en& ... oioIhAEwCg Leaving the green on the right you find the next tee by the stone wall on the left. (Tee out of shot) Follow the line of the wall and you’ll see some trees and shrubs sticking out into the fairway. That’s where the ball went; 'twas summer and very overgrown. The guy was walking down the hill at the top of the ridge.

My long time golfing partner and friend was with me that day and I haven’t played golf since he died. Been to the driving range, but that’s it. So the poem is loaded with thoughts of what might have been. It stands literally as a true account in every detail (not many of those), also acting as a metaphor for missing those days and for how things sometimes turn on a sixpence. Where is it now and where would it have been but for unforeseen events. I’ve often thought about those days and where we might have been had things turned out differently. I hoped the metaphor would creep through as a general observation rather than a direct reference to a specific loss. There's a touch of melancholy in the close, at least there's supposed to be.
Antcliff wrote:I liked this, JJ

It is short and sweet, so there is not much scope for critting. Of course the title plays on two meanings of "miss" and I always like to see such in a title. ...Really pleased to read this, Seth,

I look forward to seeing the adders in March. There is a spot in the garden they have used for two years. ...I've walked in the Lakes for decades and have yet to see an adder in the wild. I know they're there though. :) Pleased you liked.

Seth
Luce wrote:
JJWilliamson wrote:The ball landed short, bobbled
into a thicket of bushes.

Watch out for the adders cried
a guy from the adjacent fairway.

I often think about that ball,
wondering where it lies.
There was a recent TV commercial featuring a "free-roaming" chicken who actually free-roamed the country (catching trains, eating at diners, sharing a campfire in an RV park). Obviously everyone is oblivious to the fact that he's a chicken, in the commercial. Once in awhile he'd do a selfie (showing in the background where he's at). He'd send it to the farmer, whom he lived with. The farmer would show the selfie to his wife and say, "He's always sending pictures."

The ball reminds me of this commercial. Therefore, I'd say "wondering where it's been." Give it life why don't you. :D ...What an interesting idea. Not really what I was going for but it has great potential. I like the sound of that commercial.

Luce
Ros wrote:Nice, but I think it does need a little more of a kick in the last line. The adders give an impression of something more happening, and then it doesn't. ...Ah, I simply avoided the adders after realising a lost ball paled into insignificance when compared to the risks associated with an adder bite. I nearly wrote, 'wondering what the adders made of it' then opted for this close.

Ros
Macavity wrote:
JJWilliamson wrote:The ball landed short, bobbled
into a thicket of bushes.

Watch out for the adders cried
a guy from the adjacent fairway.
Just a thought JJ... to create the space for the reader to continue the write rather than weighting/constraining the poem with the 'I' perspective. Either way enjoyed.
Another good idea. I lose something of the metaphor by cutting S3 but it works brilliantly from a literal pov.

best

mac
Lou wrote:I wouldn't change any of this. The cowardly N. at the close is a perfect ending, and he's absolutely right. What's a game of golf when you risk being being bitten by a snake? ...Yes indeed! A dropped ball and onwards. I nearly called this poem, 'Taking a Drop'

Best,
Lou
Once again, my thanks to all.

Best

JJ
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Re: Missing the Green

Post by Luce » Mon Jan 23, 2017 1:06 am

JJ - Poem doesn't sound sad at all. It's funny really, which is why I like it. The guy warning of adders sets up the punchline.

Luce
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Re: Missing the Green

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Jan 23, 2017 12:17 pm

Oh, that's fine, just fine. The humour is definitely there on the surface and is crucial to the poem's overall effect. If the reader detects nothing but the literal interp' then I'm as happy as a sandboy. The title is a play on words which hints, and I mean hints, at missing something or someone or both, as well as opportunities missed.

Appreciate you getting back.

Best

JJ
Luce wrote:JJ - Poem doesn't sound sad at all. It's funny really, which is why I like it. The guy warning of adders sets up the punchline.

Luce
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Re: Missing the Green

Post by VintagePoetess » Wed Feb 01, 2017 3:36 pm

I like the poem. It sums up a warm day out on the green nicely. However, on first read the word 'bobbled' stands out for me. It doesn't seem to fit well, at least to me. But perhaps it is a golf term?

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Re: Missing the Green

Post by cynwulf » Thu Feb 02, 2017 12:35 pm

Enjoyed the poem, wouldn't change a thing particularly liked the title's wordplay. Perhaps the 'cowardice' of the protagonist is needless, adders are much maligned as you will know, all this probably is what makes the title so ingenious. Adders thrive on the moors here, I encountered two in Wheeldale once, in flagrante delicto wound round each other almost like a caduceus, always makes my day to see one.
Regards, c.

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Re: Missing the Green

Post by JJWilliamson » Fri Feb 03, 2017 10:47 am

Thanks, VP and C, for the comments, appreciated.
VintagePoetess wrote:I like the poem. It sums up a warm day out on the green nicely. However, on first read the word 'bobbled' stands out for me. It doesn't seem to fit well, at least to me. But perhaps it is a golf term?
I'm using 'bobbled' to describe the irregular, slow progression of the ball as it finds its way into the bushes. Are you from the US or Canada by any chance? I think bobbled has a slightly different emphasis over there, which might account for your niggle.

cynwulf wrote:Enjoyed the poem, wouldn't change a thing particularly liked the title's wordplay. Perhaps the 'cowardice' of the protagonist is needless, adders are much maligned as you will know, all this probably is what makes the title so ingenious. Adders thrive on the moors here, I encountered two in Wheeldale once, in flagrante delicto wound round each other almost like a caduceus, always makes my day to see one.
Regards, c. ...Were they mating or fighting for females? That is the question. Either way it must have been a brilliant experience. :)
Very true, C. The adder gets a bad press and undeservedly so. I've walked in the Lakes for decades, have played Crook golf course a few times and have yet to see one, but did hear about them all the time. When you consider the huge numbers of people who take to the fells every year we should begin to realise that these creatures pose little or no threat to humans. Most bites occur when the snake is handled or stepped on. That said, I always scan the rocks before sitting down to eat my sandwiches.

delighted you enjoyed the poem.

Best to both

JJ
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Re: Missing the Green

Post by bodkin » Fri Feb 03, 2017 11:40 am

Love this. I wouldn't change a word...
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Re: Missing the Green

Post by JJWilliamson » Sat Feb 04, 2017 1:46 pm

bodkin wrote:Love this. I wouldn't change a word...
Thanks, Ian

Glad you liked. I'm inclined to leave this one as is.

Best

JJ
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Re: Missing the Green

Post by camus » Sun Feb 05, 2017 1:02 am

I agree.

It leaves much to the imagination!

Nice poem.
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Re: Missing the Green

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Feb 05, 2017 10:28 am

camus wrote:I agree.

It leaves much to the imagination!

Nice poem.
Thanks for that, Cam

I'm pleased the poem worked on that level. It's good to know the reader could get involved.

Delighted you liked

Best

JJ
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