Scene through the kitchen window

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cynwulf
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Scene through the kitchen window

Post by cynwulf » Thu Oct 27, 2016 11:04 am

October ploughland:
a muckspreader flecks the air
with rooks and herring gulls

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TonyMac
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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by TonyMac » Thu Oct 27, 2016 1:50 pm

Very clever. I had to do a double take on the last line and then it made sense, which I think is a good thing in Haiku type poems :)
All that I had I brought,
Little enough I know;
A poor rhyme roughly wrought,
A rose to match thy snow:
All that I had I brought.
(Ernest Dowson 1867 - 1900)

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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by Firebird » Thu Oct 27, 2016 1:52 pm

Very good. Really like. A vivid image. I can see it now.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Crayon
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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by Crayon » Thu Oct 27, 2016 2:53 pm

Cynwulf - I like it lots, mostly because of the twist in expectation from line 2 to line 3. However:
- The title almost ruins it: I don't need or want an image of you in slippers and detergent. And haiku don't need a fourth line. Just use "muckspreader" or the first line.
- The first line is rather idle, it tells not shows, and doesn't add much. (Is "ploughland" a thing?) What else did you see? Or hear? Maybe something like: a spent field screeches.
- I would cut the word "herring".
- I wonder if birds really do flock around muckspreaders. Are the birds shit eaters, or does the muckspreader turn over the earth as well? Maybe that's an image for the first line.
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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by penguin » Thu Oct 27, 2016 3:26 pm

Another Donald Trump poem?

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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by k-j » Thu Oct 27, 2016 5:26 pm

I like it too, and agree with crayon's comments.
fine words butter no parsnips

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Luce
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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by Luce » Thu Oct 27, 2016 6:12 pm

cynwulf wrote:October ploughland:
a muckspreader flecks the air
with rooks and herring gulls
There were originally 4 lines, not three? Not again! Another one messing with the original. Good Grief. :shock:

Okay, I'm over it. Now to your poem. In this case, I don't care if it is 4 lines or three as long as the haiku is under 17 syllables max. I'm counting 18 syllables in total (6 syllables in the last line). Beyond that it definitely can be seen as a haiku if you lose a syllable and the title. But, why bother? It's great as a short poem as well. It's a lovely, complete image. The title works very well with the poem and is a clever hook too..

If you want to maintain it as a haiku then lose a syllable either in the last line (to keep the standard 3 line English haiku format) or any where in the haiku really. I've seen haiku in a straight line and other formats. Also lose the title.

It may be a language difference but I'm hearing and seeing "herring" as two syllables. This brings your subtotal for the last line as 6 and not 5 (5-7-6).

Luce
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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by Macavity » Thu Oct 27, 2016 6:14 pm

Beyond that it definitely can be seen as a haiku if you lose a syllable and the title. But, why bother? It's great as a short poem as well. It's a lovely, complete image. The title works very well with the poem and is a clever hook too
Totally agree.

best

mac

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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by David » Thu Oct 27, 2016 6:34 pm

Nice subversion of "fleck". I'm not sure it works, but I admire the attempt. And I didn't count the syllables.

Cheers

David

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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by cynwulf » Sun Oct 30, 2016 8:49 pm

Thank you for reading this and for your comments. It is meant as a short poem, definitely not a haiku, although the first line is a haikuesque seasonal reference and so may give a false impression of my intention. I think the birds were following in the hope of insects and worms being turned up by the vibration of the spreader on the already ploughed earth, I don't think either species is a coprophage. Often see gulls paddling on the spot in short grass hereabouts to vibrate the ground and bring earthworms to the surface.
My regards to all, c.

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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by bodkin » Tue Nov 01, 2016 2:51 pm

Nice!
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ton321
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Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Post by ton321 » Sun Nov 06, 2016 3:54 am

Scene through the kitchen window


October ploughland:
a muckspreader flecks the air
with rooks and herring gulls


I like the image you present here. My only problem is that i want more emotional context. It seems a bit isolated.
Cheers, Tony.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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