Hurricane - Revision V

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.

Re: Hurricane - Revision V

Postby trobbo44 » Sat Oct 22, 2016 9:38 pm

For my money, this revision is spot on. There is a succinctness to the poem that wasn't there before. I enjoyed the whole craft of the story, well written and we'll done. Regards
trobbo44
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 299
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:32 pm

Re: Hurricane - Revision V

Postby Firebird » Sun Oct 23, 2016 7:23 am

I think this poem start off very strong indeed, but becomes a little, and I mean a little, wordy as it progresses - not the final stanza though. I'm sorry to say that I think this poem still needs a few tweaks to be firing of all cylinders. It's definitely worth staying with though. So don't give up on it.

More detailed comments below.

Cheers,

Tristan



Luce wrote:Hurricane V

Roxy barks at the heavy thumps
she hears in the house. Her tiny body
shakes with each sharp yap. (sharp yap works well)

The hurricane bangs at our door
like an angry drunk wanting in
while rain drips in rivulets
through rusted window frames. (Nice alliterative 'r' in these two lines)

Jake talks of tree limbs torn
from trunks and morphing (good sonics in these two lines)
into leafy javelins taking out
a neighbor or two.

I picture windows blowing out,
the roof peeling back by hands
belonging to ancient angry gods. (Is there a need for 'angry'?)

Fears grow as choking wind and rain ('choking wind' doesn't really work for me)
become a giant broom that sweeps the streets (I do like that image though: great one)
in foaming waves. And yet, the only thing (not sure whether 'forming waves is a step too far for this image)
I can think to say is, "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiles and says Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.

The hurricane leaves and we step outside.
Among the debris of rafters and trees
red blossoms are strewn in the yard,
like petals on a bed. (Not sure this image works. I see the bed as pristine and the petals sprinkled on top)

The ducks walk in single file
through the crumbled complex,
stopping like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats (strong ending)

**********************************************
Hurricane IV

Roxy barks at the heavy thumps
she hears in the house. Her tiny body
shakes with each sharp yap.

The hurricane bangs at our door
like an angry drunk while rain
drips in rivulets through rusted
window frames.

Jake talks of tree limbs torn
from trunks and morphing
into leafy javelins taking out
a neighbor or two.

I picture windows blowing out,
the roof being peeled back by hands
belonging to ancient angry gods,

Fears grow. The tempest increases.
A giant broom formed by choking wind
and rain sweeps the streets in foaming waves.
And yet, the only thing I can think
to say is, "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiles and says Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.

The hurricane passes and we step outside.
Among the debris of rafters and trees
red blossoms are strewn in the yard,
like petals on a bed.

The ducks walk in single file
through the crumbled complex,
stopping like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats
--------------------------------------------------------

Hurricane - Revision III

Roxy barked at the thumps
she heard in the house.
Her tiny body quivered
with each sharp yap.

The hurricane banged at the door,
like an angry drunk "wanting in"
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked of tree limbs
being torn from trunks,
and morphing into javelins
“taking out” a neighbor or two.

I pictured windows blowing out,
the house lifting and we would spiral
upward like a bird house.

My fears grew as the wind and rain increased
sweeping the street like a giant store broom,
yet all I could say was, "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.”
The unshuttered windows
shook in the dark.

When the hurricane left,
we went outside. Among
the debris of siding and trees
Hibiscus blossoms seen in the yard
and I thought of petals strewn
on a bed.

The ducks were walking single file
through the littered complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats.

************************************************
Hurricane - Revision II

Roxy barked at the thumps
she heard in the house.
Her tiny body shook
with each sharp yap.

Matthew pounded the front door,
like an angry drunk "wanting in"
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked of tree limbs being
torn from trunks and morphing
into javelins “taking out”
a neighbor or two.

I pictured windows blowing out,
the house lifting and we would spiral
upward like an old bird house.

My fears grew as the rain increased
sweeping the street like a giant store broom,
yet all I could voice was, "I hope the ducks are safe?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry about them.
They’re smarter than us.” The unshuttered
windows shivered in the dark.

When Matthew left, we went
outside. Among the debris,
red blossoms seen in the yard
and I thought of petals strewn
on a bed.

The ducks were walking single file
through the complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats.

Hurricane - Revision

Roxy barked at the loud thumps
she heard in the house. Her tiny body
shivered with each sharp yap.

Matthew pounded the front door,
like an angry drunk "wanting in"
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked of tree limbs being
torn from trunks and morphing
into javelins “taking out”
a neighbor or two.

I imagined the windows blowing out,
the house lifting and we would fly,
like a forgotten birdhouse, in the sky.

My fears grew as the rain increased
sweeping the street like a giant store broom,
yet all I could voice was, "I hope the ducks are safe?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.” The unshuttered
windows shimmed and shook.

When Matthew left, we went
outside. Among the debris,
red blossoms were seen in the yard
and I thought of petals strewn
on a bed.

The ducks were walking single file
through the complex, stopping
like seasoned trick or treaters
at houses known to give treats.
************************************************
Hurricane - Original

Roxy barked at loud thumps
she heard in the house.
Her tiny body shook
with each sharp yap.

Matthew banged at our door,
like a drunkard wanting in
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked about the hurricanes
he’d been in, of tree limbs being
torn from trunks and morphing
into leafy spears “taking out”
a neighbor or two.

I imagined the windows
blowing out, the house lifting
and we would fly like Dorothy’s
in the sky, of me clinging to Roxy
chanting mantras reserved for the dying.

The fears grew like the wind outside
yet all I could say was, “I hope
the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.” The unshuttered
windows shivered, approving his response.

When Matthew left, we went
outside. Among the debris,
pink blossoms glimpsed in the yard
and I thought of pedals strewn
on a bed.

I saw the ducks walking single file
through the complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats.
User avatar
Firebird
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1177
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: Hurricane - Revision V

Postby Luce » Sun Oct 23, 2016 5:47 pm

Hey Terry and Tristan - thanks for reading and commenting on this one.

Terry - Thanks for the kudos and "thumbs up" on the revision.

Tristan - I'm glad you can see that the poem is progressing for the better.

Yes, some tweaks are still in order for the poem but I'm fighting the temptation not to do yet another revision now. This one needs a long rest.

Comments are still welcomed but I'm thanking everyone in advance to avoid putting "thank you" posts which brings this poem to the top. Time to let this one go down the page.

Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train
User avatar
Luce
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 719
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:25 am
Location: Not so sunny Florida

Re: Hurricane - Revision V

Postby bodkin » Tue Oct 25, 2016 9:10 pm

Luce wrote:Hurricane V

Roxy barks at the heavy thumps
she hears in the house. Her tiny body
shakes with each sharp yap.

The hurricane bangs at our door
like an angry drunk wanting in
while rain drips in rivulets It feels picky, but it did strike me a wrong... sure "drips" and "rivulets" are completely different?
through rusted window frames.

Jake talks of tree limbs torn
from trunks and morphing
into leafy javelins taking out
a neighbor or two. This violent image slightly shocked me at first, and I thought it didn't fit. I realise now that it isn't your voice but Jake's. Maybe there needs to be a (possibly silent) response from you to ground his remark in your experiences?

I picture windows blowing out,
the roof peeling back by hands
belonging to ancient angry gods. Two "ing"s so close together feels slightly clumsy. You could lose both: "peeled" and "that belong" ... ?

Fears grow as choking wind and rain At this point the repetition of simple present tense sentences at the start of every strophe (and all 3rd person, except one) became a little intrusive. It made the whole pregression feel slightly "flat..."
become a giant broom that sweeps the streets
in foaming waves. And yet, the only thing
I can think to say is, "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiles and says Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.

The hurricane leaves and we step outside.
Among the debris of rafters and trees
red blossoms are strewn in the yard,
like petals on a bed.

The ducks walk in single file
through the crumbled complex,
stopping like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats



A good treatment of the fearful, sort-of "bunker mentality" that I imagine has to go on as you wait out the storm...

Every strophe does start with the 3rd person present tense except one. ("Roxy barks", "hurricane bangs", "Jake talks", "Jake smiles", "hurricane leaves" are all 3rd person singular, "fears grow" and "ducks walk" are 3rd person plural, only "I picture" is a bit different...) This is unnoticeable at first, but after a while begins to intrude and is, as I said, maybe slightly "flat".

The end with the ducks is a wonderful scene,

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/
User avatar
bodkin
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 3231
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:51 pm
Location: Two inches behind my eyes just above the bridge of my nose.

Re: Hurricane - Revision V

Postby Walton » Wed Dec 13, 2017 6:36 am

Hi Luce,

Enjoyed this greatly! Nothing like a good storm for art; is it symbolic?

I’ve added and subtracted here and there, just mho,

Roxy barks at the heavy thumps
she hears in the house. Her tiny body (if she barks at, we know she’s heard them; maybe: ‘thumps | through the house,’ or even beats, and she could bounce on a drum of thunder... or, less than that!
shakes with each sharp yap.

The hurricane bangs at our door
like an angry drunk wanting in
while rain drips in rivulets
through rusted window frames. (Could the frames rattle, another sound to close the S; maybe too much)

Jake talks of tree limbs torn
from trunks and morphing (in a storm, the mention of limbs, hints at trees when you’re describing the elements, could lose tree/trunks even both if you want to be real sparse. I already really like the sound, and the rhythm here, just a different angle.)
into leafy javelins taking out
a neighbor or two. This is a great image, for a (garden, local:friendly tree to turn in a neighbour like that!)

I picture windows blowing out,
the roof peeling back by hands (ancient gods, could they be more mystical - paws, claws, a roof wrenched, or drawn has a nice ‘oldy’ sound for a god)
belonging to ancient angry gods.

Fears grow as choking wind and rain (Fears blown in, on choking wind and rain | become...
become a giant broom that sweeps the streets
in foaming waves. And yet, the only thing (And yet, the thing | I can think to say is...
I can think to say is, "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiles and says Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.

The hurricane leaves and we step outside.
Among the debris of rafters and trees
red blossoms are strewn in the yard,
like petals on a bed. (Sorry, just don’t like this line, bed is too cosy for me, even for the close)

The ducks walk in single file (ducks wind a single file)
through the crumbled complex,
stopping like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats

Many thanks luce, rare that I don’t want to take much bigger shears to anything over 16 lines!
sorry - sometimes - these eyes, leave me
Walton
 
Posts: 32
Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:18 pm

Re: Hurricane - Revision V

Postby Luce » Thu Dec 14, 2017 12:33 am

Thanks Walton for the comments and feedback. I'm glad you mostly like the poem.

Wow!!! it's been over a year since I wrote this piece with Hurricane Matthew as the inspiration in 2016. And no, the poem is not symbolic of anything even though I could consider nudging it thataway.

Since then, Hurricane Irma in 2017 was my next inspiration. Frankly, I can do with less inspiration, in that way. :D

Ahhh for a boring hurricane season with nothing to worry about except high humility and rain storms almost every afternoon around 3 p.m.

Hopefully 2018 will be a quiet hurricane season for us in Florida.

Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train
User avatar
Luce
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 719
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:25 am
Location: Not so sunny Florida

Previous

Return to Post-a-Poem (Beginners)

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 3 guests

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group