Her Morning Goodbye (revised)

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Macavity
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Her Morning Goodbye (revised)

Post by Macavity » Sun Jul 10, 2016 9:39 pm

revision

It's like the way a well made door can shut.
Not with a resentful slam nor a slow
reluctant drag across the carpet. Hinges
are oiled, the closure a minimal kiss.





original


It's like the way a well made door can shut.
Not with a truculent slam nor a slow
reluctant drag across the carpet. Hinges
are oiled, the closure a minimal kiss.
Last edited by Macavity on Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Boat
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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Boat » Sun Jul 10, 2016 9:47 pm

Hello, Mac.

'Love on the Rocks' springs to mind for me.

Or indeed just going through the motions. Robotic, unthinking, taken for granted. Give me a slow drag across the carpet any day, lol.

Regards.

Pat.
What the hell do I know about poetry?

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Moth » Sun Jul 10, 2016 11:46 pm

Love it, but wondering what the hinges represent. I see the minimalist kiss as a good thing like the solid, dependable door not quite sure whether N does or not but I think its good to keep the reader guessing. Indeed there's a lot to think about here regards the relationship which is what makes this piece worthy.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Moth » Mon Jul 11, 2016 12:01 am

P.S. I think I've just got the meaning of the hinges as in not unhinged..?
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by trobbo44 » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:02 am

I like this one a lot. It has the gentleness of a reminded event. The line usage needs resolving, other than that it sings of sweet noises

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by rossdalglish » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:13 am

Thanks for the multi-purpose metaphor Mac. Something could be ending without any fuss. Four concise lines around one image yet full of meaning, feel and interpretation.
RD

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Jul 11, 2016 11:44 am

It's a very engaging read, Mac, and one that's loaded with possibilities.
The potential for personal interpretation is appealing but I can't quite
emote, given the ambiguous nature of the poem.

The rhythms are good, reading like neatly enjambed blank verse.
You have a 5,4,5,4, stresses and I'm wondering if this is deliberate
or if it's coincidental.

The mood and imagery are good.

Overall, I enjoyed this poem but wanted a bit more. Only a touch, mind you. Something to direct me.
Macavity wrote:It's like the way a well made door can shut. ...Effortlessly, if it's well hung, plumb and balanced.
Not with a truculent slam nor a slow
reluctant drag across the carpet. Hinges ...Good sonics throughout these two lines. truculent - reluctant...slam - slow...and other natural points of consonance and, to a lesser degree, assonance. The door can be well made and well hung (ahem) and still drag on a newly fitted carpet.
are oiled, the closure a minimal kiss. ...'closure' may or may not be critical. Is this referencing one goodbye or many?


My own interp is one of a relationship closure and there lies my dilemma. It could just as easily be the way she says goodbye in the morning, one of many mornings. The relationship also carries certain ambiguities. However, some might see this as a strength.

Enjoyed

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Joao » Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:13 pm

I suspect you're describing how she says goodbye everyday, when leaving the house. She's neither rude nor needy, but strikes the right balance between tenderness and self-sufficiency. The carpet drag is a brilliant image. I'm not sure about the other extreme: isn't coldness, rather than truculent rudeness, the opposite attitude?

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by ray miller » Tue Jul 12, 2016 10:06 am

I like it, nice idea. My only thought is that minimal has a kind of lip-service association to it.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Macavity » Thu Jul 14, 2016 5:11 pm

Thanks Pat, Moth, robbo, Ross, JJ, Joao and Ray. Appreciate the encouragement, suggestions and viewpoints. Of course, readers bring the filters of their own contexts to such a narrative glimpse, which is fine.

all the best

mac

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Antcliff » Thu Jul 14, 2016 6:21 pm

Wondered whether you need "It's..." since the subject of comparison is clear?

Nice idea.

Seth
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Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by David » Thu Jul 14, 2016 7:31 pm

Nicely done, Mac. Lovely conversational opening line, although perhaps a full stop there doesn't seem quite right. Can I interest you in "resentful" rather than "reluctant"? Maybe not. Nice pay-off.

Cheers

David

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Jul 14, 2016 7:50 pm

Changed my mind. I pretty sure I know what it's about. Lovely!

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Moth » Thu Jul 14, 2016 8:58 pm

I keep coming back to this... seems I do this with your stuff a lot, reading on different levels. Now I'm seeing the goodbye as a final goodbye as in death, the well made door a coffin. So many possibilities and all so expertly linked. For this reason I'd keep the it's at the start or like could be associated with liking..?
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Arian » Fri Jul 15, 2016 6:47 pm

Excellent, Mac. Great last line.

Is the title a bit of a spoiler?
Well-made?

Whatever, a very nice piece.
Cheers
Peter

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Macavity » Sat Jul 16, 2016 5:39 am

Thanks David, Seth, Peter. Thank you JJ and Moth for returning. As usual some helpful thoughts. Will probably keep the opening for its conversational note. Resentful adds a specific layer,and is more reasoned that truculent, but perhaps the latter connects at a more basic level with the slam. Allows the reader to reason the context. Will ponder. The title is my frame - maybe not enough :wink: :)

all the best

mac

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Katherine » Sun Jul 17, 2016 6:42 pm

So, how did it feel?
Did you want something more to react to?
Was it an anticlimax?
I've got to say, it's made me think. x

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Re: Her Morning Goodbye

Post by Macavity » Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:13 pm

Thank you for stopping by Katherine. Just a fiction so I don't have any real answers. I could make some up :)

best

mac

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