Rebirth

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Paula
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Rebirth

Post by Paula » Sat Mar 21, 2015 11:05 am

Have you ever gone to sleep
Woke up to catch your breath
Noticed in that moment
It stopped
And took a step

Much like a skip
A dance of wind
Lost behind you
But suddenly here again

Startled into wonder
You stare into the darkened room
You look around and ponder
Why your breath
it felt like doom

As you meld into the intake
Of your lost but found inhale
You then begin to realize
What once was born to sail


Into a place of terror
You recall a moment when
The first time your life it entered
A room that was your birth den

Gasping for air upon entry
This return to show you breath
Not fear, flight or fighting
Just breathing in life with success

Breaking down those barriers
Of birth into all those arms
Passer-by's and parents
The cause of my disarm

This time of a second coming
A rebirth of sorts to me
A time of recreation
Is a time, that I can be

Grounded in breathing fully
Nothing to slide me down
Into caves or a menagerie of disasters
I will breathe and flow through this town

nar
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Re: Rebirth

Post by nar » Sun Mar 22, 2015 10:39 pm

Hello, Paula.

I could be crass, and answer your poem with a vanilla "yes, I have".
In so much as what you describe is something that I can relate to, which is what you asked me to answer.

Or, I could say that I like many of your images.

Or, I could ask why you change from 2nd to 1st person when you do towards the end.

This has had a few reads, but not any crit. I think your effort deserves some.

The bad:
"Breaking down those barriers "
"This time of a second coming"
are a little tired.

The good:
"caves or a menagerie of disasters"
"your lost but found inhale"

The nearly:
"meld into the intake"

Overall, I get it. But for me, it needs a little pruning.

Kindest...

-nar
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Rebirth

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Mar 23, 2015 5:18 pm

Hi Paula

You have some interesting ideas here with your rebirth poem. Some thoughts for your perusal:

I would consider giving this poem a trim to add to the overall impact. Maybe drop the question
because I've never felt like that
.

You're not using conventional meter, and that's fine btw, but the rhymes almost interfere with the overall impact
of your poem.

Some of your images are fine, but they tend to get lost. Bear in mind this is only my opinion
.

So, I'd give it a trim, drop the rhymes and solidify the images.

Thanks for the read

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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bodkin
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Re: Rebirth

Post by bodkin » Tue Mar 24, 2015 5:49 pm

Hi Paula,

I'm finding the may exact end rhymes a little intrusive, could you use slat rhymes for some of them, or else move them into internal rhymes a little away from the end of the lines. Exact rhymes need to be used with care... otherwise it is a little like banging a big drum as you hit each one, OK if the moment calls for it but intrusive if not. When you have an exact end rhyme and it isn't an absolutely core moment in the poem, try to have the rhythm flow through it rather than stop on it -- using sentences might help with that, as unless the full-stop is also at the end of the line the reader instinctively knows to read through...

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Re: Rebirth

Post by Ros » Wed Mar 25, 2015 9:39 am

Hi Paula,

For me the first half of this works better than the second, because the voice is more natural - I get a bit thrown when you write

Why your breath
it felt like doom

because that's not how someone would speak.

Also here, I feel you don't need the 'it':

The first time your life it entered
A room that was your birth den

Hope that use useful.

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk

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