Beautiful Me (revised)

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by JJWilliamson » Sat Mar 14, 2015 4:39 pm

Revision I

I

I covet your ugliness. You never bathe
in my kind of ocean. Consider me bumptious
but you are disposed to boils and sores.

I see the way you look at my arse,
how your starved pupils dilate at Michel's genius.
Don't lose sleep, this form is David.

II

It's difficult to stand at bus stops
near plain people. They wonder at my
sculpted finish and push to impress.

Ha! They think I believe they were talking
about the weather or the price of champagne.
I spare them and show my perfect profile.

Even the trees bend to adore me;
birds drop autumn berries and sing for joy
but it would be vanity to notice their song.

III

Work has become intolerable. My friends
ignore me, yet pinch salacious glances
like ravenous weasels ripping a kill.

They're impelled to pull my gilded hair,
eager for a stolen sheaf of pure gold,
aroused by the scent of musk oil.

I laugh at the inglorious puppets
who sway to the rhythm of my voice,
weeping for harmony's heightened tones.

It's hellish playing the archetypal dandy
forever weaving garlands for mortals.

Original

I

I covet your ugliness. You never bathe
in my kind of ocean. Consider me bumptious
but you are disposed to boils and sores.

I see the way you look at my arse,
how your starved pupils dilate at Michel's first smile.
Don't lose sleep, this form is David.

II

It's difficult to stand at bus stops
near plain people. They admire
my poise and lust for my frame.

Ha! They think I believe they were talking
about the weather or the price of champagne.
I spare them and show my perfect profile.

Even the trees bend to adore me;
birds drop autumn berries and sing for joy
but it would be vanity to notice their song.

III

Work has become intolerable. My friends
ignore me, yet pinch salacious glances
like ravenous weasels ripping a kill.

They're impelled to pull my gilded hair,
eager for a stolen sheaf of pure gold,
aroused by the scent of musk oil.

I'm lost and founder in waves of nausea
It's hellish playing the archetypal dandy
forever weaving garlands for mortals.
Last edited by JJWilliamson on Mon Apr 20, 2015 9:20 am, edited 7 times in total.
Long time a child and still a child

KevJ
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 825
Joined: Fri May 21, 2010 9:54 pm
Location: Birmingham

Re: Beautiful Me

Post by KevJ » Sat Mar 14, 2015 5:27 pm

How dare I be so beautiful :) I'd like to be able to say that I knew how your N felt, but I'd be kidding myself :lol: Very much enjoyed the humour in this.

Kev
I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!

Arian
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2718
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
antispam: no
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: Beautiful Me

Post by Arian » Sun Mar 15, 2015 12:38 pm

Very good. This line:

It's difficult to stand at bus stops
near plain people.

made me laugh out loud (I never LOL, but I do laugh out loud). But others made me smile, too.

I like the trees adoring line, but may be stronger with something along the lines of:

Even the trees genuflect in adoration of me

Anyway, a fun read. Well done.

Peter

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Mar 15, 2015 6:47 pm

Thanks Kev,

Thanks for the reply. Pleased you got to smile at this poem. :)

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Mar 15, 2015 6:55 pm

Thanks Peter

I appreciate the comments very much.
Arian wrote:Very good. This line:

It's difficult to stand at bus stops ....Thanks :)
near plain people.

made me laugh out loud (I never LOL, but I do laugh out loud). But others made me smile, too. ...I am honoured, sir. I like a good laugh.

I like the trees adoring line, but may be stronger with something along the lines of:

Even the trees genuflect in adoration of me ....Thanks for the suggestion. I honestly hadn't thought of 'genuflect'. It's one to remember for revision.

Anyway, a fun read. Well done.

Peter
Thanks again

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

cynwulf
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 552
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 2:20 pm

Re: Beautiful Me

Post by cynwulf » Mon Mar 16, 2015 11:00 pm

Beautifully expressed irony throughout, the self delusion and arrogance is masterfully dealt with.
Regards C.

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Mar 17, 2015 12:18 pm

Thanks C

For the very generous comments. Yes, this individual is indeed self-deluded and arrogant to the point of foolishness.
Pleased the ironic clip was apparent.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

k-j
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 3004
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2005 10:37 pm
Location: Denver, CO

Re: Beautiful Me

Post by k-j » Tue Mar 17, 2015 4:11 pm

Hi JJ

I also thought this was well-written. It has just the right kind of zippy, oblivious tone.

"Waves of nausea" is a bit of a cliche isn't it? And I got the impression this individual thinks (him?)self rather more than a dandy.

Nice use of "bumptious". Enjoyed.
fine words butter no parsnips

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Mar 17, 2015 6:16 pm

thanks k-j

for the generous review, appreciated.

Ah, 'waves of nausea' IS a tad clichéd and even though it's a valid rhetorical device it stands out like a sore one.
I opted for a tercet instead of the original closing couplet so I must must rethink that line. I think I'll hang on to my 'archetypal dandy' though. :)

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6574
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Beautiful Me (edited S8L1)

Post by ray miller » Wed Mar 18, 2015 3:01 pm

Very nice. The best bits are the first stanza and

It's difficult to stand at bus stops
near plain people.

These work less well, I think

They admire
my poise and lust for my frame.

I spare them and show my perfect profile.

I guess they just aren't as witty and scathing.

how your starved pupils dilate at Michel's first smile. - it's a long line, in comparison.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me (edited S8L1)

Post by JJWilliamson » Wed Mar 18, 2015 6:57 pm

Thanks Ray,

for reading and commenting, it's appreciated.
ray miller wrote:Very nice. The best bits are the first stanza and

It's difficult to stand at bus stops
near plain people.

Thanks again. I stared in the mirror one morning before lathering my whiskers when this poem just came to me. (just kidding)

These work less well, I think

They admire
my poise and lust for my frame. ...last minute change this one. Originally was-
'They stare, but when challenged,
ignore the lotus blossom.'



I spare them and show my perfect profile. .... Ah, I like this line. Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder. :)

I guess they just aren't as witty and scathing. ...Fair enough, definitely worth considering during revision.

how your starved pupils dilate at Michel's first smile. - it's a long line, in comparison.
Hmm, that's a fact. I could break after 'Michel's' but it wouldn't feel or look right. IMHO

Thanks again, Ray, you've given me food for thought.

Best

JJ

PS

Ok, I've ditched 'first' from that Michel line.
Long time a child and still a child

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Mar 19, 2015 9:23 am

Ok I've had a rethink. Here's the revision.

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

Arian
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2718
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
antispam: no
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by Arian » Thu Mar 19, 2015 7:37 pm

Hmm. For me, the changes don't add much - in fact,

They wonder at my
sculpted finish and push to impress.

seems a gratuitous change. The original was as good or better.

Still, a nice piece though.

Cheers
Peter

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by JJWilliamson » Fri Mar 20, 2015 6:45 pm

Hi Peter

Thanks for dropping back in to look at the revision.

Arian wrote:Hmm. For me, the changes don't add much.
Aargh, and I'd tortured my brain to establish a link between I & II. The sculpted finish is an extension of Michelangelo's David reference and the bus passengers supposedly push to impress the speaker. I thought the play on push/press delivered a certain consonance as well as having a similar meaning. I'll have to look carefully at that one.

The close concerns me though. I originally had a couplet then a tercet and finally settled for a quatrain. My eye is distracted by the 4 line close as if an imbalance exists. I know it doesn't have to be symmetrical, it just bothers me, that's all.

Anyway, I really appreciate the analysis. I've viewed critique as a gift for years.

Best

JJ
Last edited by JJWilliamson on Fri Mar 20, 2015 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Long time a child and still a child

Arian
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2718
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
antispam: no
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by Arian » Fri Mar 20, 2015 7:04 pm

JJWilliamson wrote:Aargh, and I'd tortured my brain to establish a link between I & II. The sculpted finish is an extension of Michelangelo's David reference and the bus passengers supposedly push to impress the speaker. I thought the play on push/press delivered a certain consonance as well as having a similar meaning.
Well, remember it's just my view, JJ.

Maybe it's one of those examples of over-intellectualisation. What seems clever and highly relevant to the poet, can seem obscure and inaccessible to the reader. I do that all the time. What I liked about the original was its simple phrasing and obvious irony - that seems to be lost, or - at least - not so obvious in the revision.

Cheers
Peter

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by JJWilliamson » Fri Mar 20, 2015 9:21 pm

Hey, that was quick.

Well, remember it's just my view, JJ

Yip, but you've made some interesting points

Maybe it's one of those examples of over-intellectualisation. What seems clever and highly relevant to the poet, can seem obscure and inaccessible to the reader. I do that all the time. What I liked about the original was its simple phrasing and obvious irony - that seems to be lost, or - at least - not so obvious in the revision.

Fair enough. I'll tale note during further revisions.

Cheers
Peter

Thanks again Peter

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

Paula
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:44 am

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by Paula » Sat Mar 21, 2015 10:33 am

I love the original.
Foolish arrogance waved around in perfect depiction, that made me smile..... :wink:

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Mar 23, 2015 5:19 am

Thanks Paula

That's one for the 'original.' I'm still looking at this poem to see if I can finally put it to bed.
I suppose we're all a bit delusional in the world of our own making. :)

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

Antcliff
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6599
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by Antcliff » Mon Mar 23, 2015 3:02 pm

O, yes, liked this JJ.

I also thought this was well-written. It has just the right kind of zippy, oblivious tone.
Yes, agree with K-J. It also has a nice deranged quality.

I especially liked the "stolen sheaf of pure gold".

Interesting end. Would such a person feel a "hellish" obligation to "play" a dandy? Surely they would regard themselves as being under no such necessity, since they could simply display their beauty? ha!

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by JJWilliamson » Wed Mar 25, 2015 12:46 pm

Thanks Seth

Delighted you liked 'Beautiful Me'
Antcliff wrote:O, yes, liked this JJ.

I also thought this was well-written. It has just the right kind of zippy, oblivious tone.
Yes, agree with K-J. It also has a nice deranged quality. ....zippy, oblivious, deranged...all apply

I especially liked the "stolen sheaf of pure gold". ...Thanks, took me a while but I think I'm just about there

Interesting end. Would such a person feel a "hellish" obligation to "play" a dandy? Surely they would regard themselves as being under no such necessity, since they could simply display their beauty? ha! ... I think his beauty and other attractive qualities have been thrust upon him and he's appalled by the prospect of forever satisfying we mortals. :)

Seth
Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

Mark101
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 106
Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2015 6:43 pm
Location: Valencia, Spain

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by Mark101 » Sat Mar 28, 2015 10:05 pm

Hi JJ,

I wanted to say how much I liked this piece, such an original idea. There's not much I could add to what has been said already and so I shall not offend with mere mimicry, only to echo that I like your wit and the conceit is perfect.

Very entertaining read, thank you

David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13711
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by David » Sun Mar 29, 2015 1:28 pm

Really nice, JJ. Very well achieved.

Who is Michel? (Is it a strange abbreviation of Michelangelo?)

I think It's difficult to stand at bus stops / near plain people is great, but I don't see why you've changed the second half of that verse. It was fine already.

Not sure about the proximity of "birds" and "drop", but that may just be me.

There is a certain amount of overkill in the first verse of section III, but that's my only complaint about that section.

I enjoyed this a lot. Is it someone you know? It seems malicious (albeit amusingly malicious) enough to be personal.

Cheers

David

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Mar 30, 2015 9:50 am

Thanks Mark

For reading and reviewing beautiful me. :)

I liked the word 'original' and pleased you enjoyed this lark. There is a layer pointing at
self-delusion, 'to see ourselves as others see us' or not as the case may be. :)

Thanks again

Bri
Mark101 wrote:Hi JJ,

I wanted to say how much I liked this piece, such an original idea. There's not much I could add to what has been said already and so I shall not offend with mere mimicry, only to echo that I like your wit and the conceit is perfect.

Very entertaining read, thank you
Long time a child and still a child

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Mar 30, 2015 10:18 am

Thanks David

For the thoughtful reply. I enjoyed writing this piece but it's so hard to know when a poem is finished.
Who said a poem is finished when the poet dies? :)
David wrote:Really nice, JJ. Very well achieved. ...Thanks

Who is Michel? (Is it a strange abbreviation of Michelangelo?) ...Yes, I thought Michelangelo was a bit of a mouthful. I nearly went for 'Micky' just for the hell of it. :)

I think It's difficult to stand at bus stops / near plain people is great, but I don't see why you've changed the second half of that verse. It was fine already. I was establishing a link between I & II through David's 'sculpted finish' and thought 'push & press' had a certain consonance.

Not sure about the proximity of "birds" and "drop", but that may just be me. ...You know, I never saw the connection. Birds and their droppings could be seen as a happy accident. :)

There is a certain amount of overkill in the first verse of section III, but that's my only complaint about that section. ...I'll have another look. It took me a while to settle for that line as I have changed it on more than one occasion.

I enjoyed this a lot. Is it someone you know? It seems malicious (albeit amusingly malicious) enough to be personal. ...No, not someone I know, more an amalgam of
certain observations about how we go. Just being a bit daft with a quiet wry smile. (Ok, I could put a name to him/her, but that would be telling)

Best

JJ

Cheers

David
Long time a child and still a child

Katherine
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 231
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2015 8:25 pm

Re: Beautiful Me (revised)

Post by Katherine » Fri Apr 03, 2015 9:45 am

I know this person very well!
Very funny JJ!

Not much of a critique, I realise. But, I know what I like and I like this. :D

Post Reply