The innocence of youth

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Gbn
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The innocence of youth

Post by Gbn » Fri Feb 27, 2015 5:15 pm

A damp hand on cold steel, a twitching finger on a trigger
Steady. Ready. Breathe. The sun shows no remorse in its accusations.
He becomes translucent under its inscrutable scrutiny, his intention clear
It burns through him, he is a malevolent x Ray of his twelve year old body.
His only sense is the omnipotence of death
His eyes run along the ground like a hound coursing hare
He sees the movement of his prey, far away,
The cross hairs rest on the man's head, a crown of thorns for the dead
He shoots. He scores. The sweat, running onto his lips, tastes like winning.
The blood running from the dead man's eye is his prize
A crimson ribbon of vulnerability he wears under his skin, for no one but him.
His God will be happy, his mother will be proud
He goes to school.

Paula
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Re: The innocence of youth

Post by Paula » Sat Feb 28, 2015 9:49 pm

Its kind of sad, harsh, rough, intense and confronting all at the same time.


This commanding reflection flowing outward, makes me take notice..

Pauline
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Re: The innocence of youth

Post by Pauline » Sat Feb 28, 2015 11:41 pm

Hi G.
Welcome to PG.

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right.
Are you the one who has shot the hare
or are you watching someone else shooting?
I'm a little confused, and that doesn't take much doing. :P
The title of the poem makes me think it is you, so
if that is the case,then for me,it would be far stronger if you made it clear
and wrote this in the first person.
I've taken the liberty of shaving off some of the surplus
and jiggled with your words so it reads clearer to me.
Hey, I may be totally off the mark
and I wont mind if you tell me so.
Bare in mind this is just a very quick revision
and is just something you may want to think about.
Then again, you may not.
It's just my thoughts.
Here goes;

Damp hand on cold steel, my finger twitches
on the trigger.Steady, ready, breathe. The sun
shows no remorse in it's accusations.
I'm translucent under its scrutiny..
My clear intentions burn through me.
My eyes run along the ground like a hound
coursing hare. the movement of his prey.
I shoot,score. The sweat running on on my lips
tastes like winning. The blood is my prize.
A crimson ribbon I wear just for me.
My God will be happy. My mother proud.

Gbn
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Re: The innocence of youth

Post by Gbn » Sun Mar 01, 2015 1:52 am

Was actually meant to be about the young people who are brainwashed into tmurder in religions name, on both sides of the fence...the hare analogy was to suggest his eyes searching for a target, the man in the crosshairs...Thanks for both comments, guess if I have to explain I'm missing the Mark...Gbn

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Re: The innocence of youth

Post by KevJ » Sun Mar 01, 2015 10:51 am

Hi Gbn

I got that it was a man being shot and not a rabbit and the tragic implication that some of the perpetrators are very young. So there is a quite disturbing edge to this poem I think.

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Gbn
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Re: The innocence of youth

Post by Gbn » Sun Mar 01, 2015 5:02 pm

Thanks for the comment, I find the image of such things profoundly disturbing. Gbn

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Bee
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Re: The innocence of youth

Post by Bee » Mon Mar 02, 2015 5:13 pm

Hiya G
I think its interesting how distant yet cool and collected the boy is and I like how far away this is from the western ideology. I found some of the poem a bit wordy for example l3 but that may just be because ive been away from poetry for a fairly long time
Bee x
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Re: The innocence of youth

Post by cynwulf » Tue Mar 03, 2015 12:50 pm

G'day Gbn,
I don't think your meaning is at all obscure. I think you have this man accurately explained/described, almost too much so for any comfort. It brought recent events and a certain person in Raqqa vividly to mind. Good stuff.
Regards, C.

Gbn
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Re: The innocence of youth

Post by Gbn » Tue Mar 03, 2015 5:30 pm

Thank you very much for comments. My intention was to make it wordy enough that the reader has to slow down and think of the situation unfolding before them. Gbn

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Re: The innocence of youth

Post by Pauline » Tue Mar 03, 2015 7:47 pm

:oops:
I read this totally wrong didn't I.
Sorry about that.
Feel rather embarrassed.
:roll:

Gbn
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Re: The innocence of youth

Post by Gbn » Wed Mar 04, 2015 1:14 pm

I always think a reading of a poem, or a book, or looking at a painting is in the eyes of the reader or viewer. If they take something else from a work, there is nothing wrong with that. Gbn

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