Written in a North Country Churchyard(Revised)

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cynwulf
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Written in a North Country Churchyard(Revised)

Post by cynwulf » Fri Aug 29, 2014 2:08 pm

Published
Last edited by cynwulf on Wed Mar 25, 2015 2:48 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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dafra
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Re: Threnody in Shades of Gray

Post by dafra » Fri Aug 29, 2014 3:17 pm

This just flowed with unforced rhythm and rhyme for me and what's more I understood it straight away. Is it really necessary for me to nit pick because any little flaws were well covered by the poetry?

Well just for appearances sake I wouldn't want to be chainsawing in the dark. Our combines only use their headlights when it's really black. Our low level flights also ease off at night.

What a depressing picture you have painted, no redemption. Really enjoyed this lament.

dafra

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Re: Threnody in Shades of Gray

Post by Antcliff » Sun Aug 31, 2014 1:07 pm

Within the church hymns no longer sound,
the bells have gone, and so the ringers' art.
No parson lives for many miles around;
this place, dishallowed, now an auction mart.
Liked this stanza especially, C.

What has happened to wheat when it is "prairied"?


Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Threnody in Shades of Gray

Post by dafra » Sun Aug 31, 2014 2:10 pm

Wheat used to be sown in small fields. Wildlife hedges have been grubbed out to give huge, more economical areas, prairified.

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Re: Threnody in Shades of Gray

Post by KevJ » Fri Sep 05, 2014 5:42 pm

Really enjoyed this lament. Though I had to google Threnody (Demonstrating my ignorance again I feel :oops: )
Not sure it needs further revision.

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Re: Threnody in Shades of Gray

Post by cynwulf » Sun Sep 07, 2014 10:38 am

Hi Dafra, thanks for your appreciation. This is a sort of meditation over something like 3 hours from 6.30 pm , I have conflated too much in the first verse, the chain sawing was in full light, the tractors after 9 o'clock- I'll think of an apter
descriptor- monstrous? blundering?..... What's happening to the countryside is depressing- Europe's biggest potash mine is being planned in the national park here to add to the intrusions of the DEWS station at Fylingdales and a potash mine near Staithes.and we're in prime fracking country. Still a lot of beauty though.

Seth, thanks-Dafra's answer covers it .

Kev, again thanks for reading this in spite of the title. I have an unfortunate tendency to over elaboration. To quote Miss Piggy 'pretentious-moi?'

Regards, C.

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Re: Threnody in Shades of Gray

Post by David » Sun Sep 07, 2014 11:05 am

I really like this, C, except on a structural level. The see-sawing between five beats and six beats a line - pentameter and hexameter, if we're going to be technical, but I prefer to count the beats - is a little off-putting. To me, anyway. Perhaps I'm unduly fuddy-duddyish about it, but if you're using Gray as a model I think you should observe the proprieties.

A lot of that could easily be fixed. For instance, "a gastropub purports to be the Rose and Crown" - a great line and a great sentiment - could, at a push (or a lop), become "a gastropub was once the Rose and Crown". And so on.

I do like it as it is, but if you could achieve the pentameter throughout I think the achievement would be even greater. And then I could concentrate more on the actual words of the poem. (Which all seem very good so far!)

Cheers

David

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Re: Threnody in Shades of Gray

Post by cynwulf » Tue Sep 09, 2014 8:05 pm

I very much appreciate your comments on this David; things to ponder here. I hoped the title ..'shades of..' wd distance me a bit from the original model, and so absolve me from having to observe the proprieties fully, and that the alexandrines wd break something of the monotony of the pentameter, but retain the solemn tone. or even add to it. I have revised the poem to greater regularity (not altogether iambic though). I wd be grateful for your further comments.
Best wishes, C.

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Re: Threnody Written in a North Country Churchyard(Revised)

Post by Antcliff » Tue Sep 09, 2014 9:01 pm

Liked the revision, C.

I wonder if something could replace
there to
which seems like metrical filler. The context makes the location clear enough?

Is there something better than "ancient" as a description of the tower?

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Threnody Written in a North Country Churchyard(Revised)

Post by David » Fri Sep 12, 2014 6:16 pm

Yes, very good revision, C. The only line still better in the first version, I think, is "from the County Council's newly straightened lane".

Other than that, great stuff, although I still struggle with "Amber glare floods the orchard camping site".

I'm glad you managed to find a way to keep "purports"!

Cheers

David

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Re: Threnody Written in a North Country Churchyard(Revised)

Post by cynwulf » Tue Sep 16, 2014 8:52 am

Thanks for your comments Seth and David. I've replaced 'ancient', which is very weak, with 'limestone'- I toyed with 'oolite' for a while which wd be more precise but it's probably too obscure. Not been able to avoid 'there to' as it's needed to keep the grammar of the last line; a line which I wd like to keep. I have reinstated the County Council, better than 'planners'.
Regards, C.

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Re: Threnody Written in a North Country Churchyard(Revised)

Post by Macavity » Tue Sep 16, 2014 10:20 pm

I have to agree with Kev on the title C. - a simple 'Written in a North Country Churchyard' is more in tune with the lexis of the poem. 'limestone is an approvement.
few panes lit-many folk have moved to town.
Looks like a hypenated word?

Landscapes will inevitably change, often it is the rate of change that is so scary, butI recognised some of the bleak realities you picture. Ironically the Welsh valleys, with the loss of the pits, are becoming greener!

all the best

mac

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