Ruby Duchess

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Bee
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Ruby Duchess

Post by Bee » Tue Apr 29, 2014 9:30 pm

Well this is my first poem on here (scary stuff) looking forward to your honest opinions and any constructive criticism :)


The spike of my stiletto, with a scream, saw him off
and like the rest
one quick squeal
then he trots back to the trough.

Far

far away from my Slaughterhouse door,
in which many, ensnared, have dared enter before.
Unaware,
that it was not
the funhouse they thought.
If they’re a pig it’s a kick but the kings all get caught
in my trap,
so well hidden amongst seedy bar smoke.
I get them in one piece then soon leave them broke.

Sat on my stool,
awaiting my victim.
He’ll be my fool,
and I'll be his vixen
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penguin
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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by penguin » Wed Apr 30, 2014 12:55 pm

Hello Bee. Interesting poem, I enjoyed the rhymes, mostly. Does the title cohere with the poem? Ruby, at least, seems arbitrary.

far away from my Slaughterhouse door, - I'm puzzled as to why Slaughterhouse is capitalised.
before/thought is a nice rhyme.

If they’re a pig it’s a kick but the kings all get caught - not sure if you're drawing a distinction between what happens to pigs and kings. Maybe too instead of all.
in my trap,
so well hidden amongst seedy bar smoke. - I'd omit seedy and soon from the next line
I get them in one piece then soon leave them broke. - nice play on broke.

Sat on my stool,
awaiting my victim.
He’ll be my fool,
and I'll be his vixen - a bit rhyme-led, maybe? A duchess on a stool? A fool and his vixen?

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Bee
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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by Bee » Wed Apr 30, 2014 2:21 pm

Hi Penguin
Thanks for the useful critique, taking on board your criticism I realise I may have been a bit too ambiguous.
A ruby duchess is a champagne cocktail which I chose as it ties in with the setting of the poem and also links in with the character pretty well.
The setting is a sleazy common bar (I think I should probably have been a little clearer about that) and it’s written from the perspective of a Femme fatale.

I’m going to be completely honest, I’m not entirely sure why slaughterhouse is capitalised :P I might have had a reason for it but haven’t the foggiest what it could be. I might go back and change that later

The pig is meant to be the average, slimy, drunken Joe you find in sleazy pubs, the Femme fatale doesn’t want the average Joe so kicks him to the side awaiting someone who can splash the cash for her to seduce and exploit (a king) until she’s drained them of all they’ve got and it’s time for her to move on.

I wasn’t too sure on the last stanza myself either but thanks for the points that you brought up :) you've given me some really good feedback to work with.

Bee x
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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by cynwulf » Thu May 01, 2014 9:43 am

Morning Bee,
still scary the umpteenth time. Enjoyed the poem , setting comes over well. Thanks for your explanation of the title, I've led a sheltered life so wasn't aware of the drink. Agree with Penguin about the rhyming. I'm not good on scansion , but I felt your rhythms were a bit inconsistent: starts with a sort of anapaestic line and tends to a sort of clumpiness in line 4 then later a return to an anapaestic rhythm.Good effort, enjoyed it.
Regards, C

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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by KevJ » Fri May 02, 2014 5:42 pm

Hello and welcome Bee. I very much enjoyed this. Love a good rhyme. And the sleezy bar atmosphere comes across well. Think I may have frequented one or two in my time hoping to be mistaken for a king. :wink:
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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by Bee » Sun May 04, 2014 10:54 am

Aw I think I might love all you guys already, I've never even heard of all these meters before so I just want to thank you Cynwulf for introducing me to this new and exciting world of poetry :D

And Kev
KevJ wrote:Think I may have frequented one or two in my time hoping to be mistaken for a king. :wink:
that genuinely made me smile :)

Bee x
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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by David » Sun May 04, 2014 11:24 am

Hi Bee. This might almost be an entry in the upcoming (or is it here already?) genre poetry competition, in the femme fatale class, if I understand it correctly. I was going to say in the serial killer class, but judging by your reply to Penguin it's less drastic than that. (From the poem I definitely thought it was that drastic.)

I'm always a bit shaky on the names of metres myself, but I thought Cynwulf's comments were very helpful as well.

I think you sustain the slaughterhouse imagery through the poem very well, except that you're turning pigs (not kings) away from it. Still, fun idea. (Is "fun" the word I'm looking for, I wonder?)

Never heard of a ruby duchess either. What sheltered lives we've led. I do agree with Kev that the sleazy bar atmosphere comes across well. I have at least been to a few sleazy bars.

Welcome to PG.

Cheers

David

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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by Macavity » Sun May 04, 2014 2:48 pm

hi B.
I liked the thread of ensared/dared/enter/unaware. Not so sure about so much 'my', particularly in the concluding lines.
The spike of this stiletto, with a scream, saw him off
Perhaps there is more contempt conveyed with a detached voice and the longer line? Perhaps you could mirror the line lengths of the opening into the concluding lines? Some find symmetry pleasing on the reading eye :)

all the best

mac

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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by Bee » Wed May 07, 2014 10:07 pm

Thanks David and mac for your useful replies
I know this may sound silly but she could very well be a serial killer, she's just kinda a character that tumbled out of my head and took on a fictional life of her own ( I hope I don't sound to crazy)

And mac, I liked the idea of the more detached voice, I might play around with that at a later date once I've distanced myself from the poem a bit :)

I want to thank all of you for being so helpful and kind, I checked out a few other forum but they really really seemed to enjoy stripping down newbies into a quivering mess so I guess here is the place to be

Bee x
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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by Ros » Thu May 08, 2014 8:01 am

Bee wrote:
I want to thank all of you for being so helpful and kind, I checked out a few other forum but they really really seemed to enjoy stripping down newbies into a quivering mess so I guess here is the place to be

Bee x
There's one place in particular that revels in that. Nasty people. We are uniformly lovely, of course.

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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by Jackie » Sun May 11, 2014 2:40 pm

Welcome, Bee. And I agree with Ros: there aren't any fatales femmes (or hommes) here. :wink:

With your explanation, I enjoyed this. I did feel, though, in the middle section that the wording was sometimes prosaic, conversational, rather than carefully chosen. For example, do you have a reason for saying far, far away from. . .? Why not just far, far from . . .?

Look forward to reading more from you.

Jackie

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Re: Ruby Duchess

Post by Bee » Thu May 22, 2014 10:09 pm

Thanks for the warm welcome Jackie and I'm glad this forum is brimming with lovely people :D
there aren't any fatales femmes (or hommes) here. :wink:
that comment alone most definitely made my day.

I chose far, far away from because I wanted to get across the image that these men who have been kicked by her want to distance themselves as far away as physically possible. I do have the bad habit of slipping into a chatty tone but fingers crossed I'll be able to get out of this habit through the help of these workshops
Bee
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