A Fall of Moon dust (revision)

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KevJ
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A Fall of Moon dust (revision)

Post by KevJ » Fri Apr 18, 2014 5:29 pm

The Moon dust falls
in the bright Earthlight
Buzz plants a boot print
in the glassy lunar soil,
makes an iconic picture
of the ancient regolith,
ground down,
under foot of Man,
for the very first time;
and over billions of years
by meteoric impact and
the constant bombardment
of charged atomic particles
blown in on the Solar wind.

Original

A fall of Moon dust
in the bright Earthlight.
Buzz plants a boot print
in the glassy lunar soil,
makes an iconic picture
of the ancient regolith,
ground down under foot of Man
for the very first time;
and over billions of years by
meteoric impact and
the constant bombardment
by the charged atomic particles
blown in on the Solar wind.
They call it space weathering.
Buzz shoots the moonscape.
Is he I wonder a little jealous
of the kudos attached to being
the famed first man on the moon?
Thinking perhaps,
it should have been me.
Last edited by KevJ on Fri May 30, 2014 5:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Jackie
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Re: A Fall of Moon dust

Post by Jackie » Sat Apr 19, 2014 7:58 am

Hi Kev,

If I'm interpreting it right, I like your tying Buzz's bootprint into space weathering as if human presence on the moon is a natural event. I am lost, though, by this line,
Buzz shoots the moonscape.
which probably has non-literal meanings I don't know about.

I'm having trouble seeing evidence in the poem for your "perhapsing" at the end. What in his behaviour led you to think this? And I'm not sure who "I" is. :?

Thanks for the move to space!

Jackie

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Re: A Fall of Moon dust

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:25 am

I like this Kev. One of your best. Stupidly I thought of a cartoon character on first reading :oops:

KevJ wrote:A fall of Moon dust
in the bright Earthlight.
Buzz plants a boot print
in the glassy lunar soil,
makes an iconic picture
of the ancient regolith,..............................................................in rather than of?
ground down under foot of Man
for the very first time;
and over billions of years by
meteoric impact and
the constant bombardment
by the charged atomic particles
blown in on the Solar wind.
They call it space weathering....................................................may consider ending the poem here?
Buzz shoots the moonscape......................................................I don't think this line adds anything
Is he i wonder a little jealous...............................................................why the uncapitalised 'i'?
of the kudos attached to being
the famed first man on the moon?..........................................................I think 'jealous' says enough with out adding famed
Thinking perhaps,
it should have been me.
American ethos: first is first and anything else is last!

all the best

mac

KevJ
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Re: A Fall of Moon dust

Post by KevJ » Sat Apr 19, 2014 4:41 pm

Hi Jackie and Mac

Thanks for your thoughts.

I see now that the "Buzz shoots the moonscape" may need a bit more explaining, I'll get my thinking cap on. It's in there because Buzz Aldrin did very little else with his camera. The photographic evidence that Neil Armstrong was with him is sparse. Compare this with the very iconic images of Buzz taken by Neil. rumours of Buzz being put out by not being the first man on the moon have circulated in the press for many years now. It just made me wonder. So this is mere speculation on my part I don't actually know the truth of the matter.


Thanks Mac for pointing out that uncapitalised i have changed it now

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buzz_Aldrin
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Re: A Fall of Moon dust

Post by Antcliff » Sat Apr 19, 2014 5:10 pm

Hi Kev

Really liked the sound of this bit...
A fall of Moon dust
in the bright Earthlight.
Buzz plants a boot print
in the glassy lunar soil,
makes an iconic picture
of the ancient regolith,
ground down under foot of Man
I seem to recall you have posted a few space travel related poems. You are certainly the Gene Rodenberry of this board.

But what about Mr Collins? I wonder if you could get him in too?

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: A Fall of Moon dust

Post by Jackie » Sun Apr 20, 2014 7:22 am

Kev, so you DO have evidence! I wasn't aware of the talk. But since it's rumour, why not lose Is he I wonder a little jealous
of the kudos attached to being
the famed first man on the moon?
, and go directly to something like
Buzz shoots the moonscape
only the moonscape, thinking perhaps,
it should have been me.
Just an idea,
Jackie

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Re: A Fall of Moon dust

Post by stephanie » Sun Apr 20, 2014 8:24 pm

Hi, Kev

I am new here so please bear with me. I gravitated towards your poem as I love moon themed poems and yours is very descriptive.

A fall of Moon dust
in the bright Earthlight.
[Is Earth light two words or one, not sure? Or hyphenated?]



[Perhaps 'Moon dust
falls in the bright Earthlight']


Buzz plants a boot print
in the glassy lunar soil,


[I love the glassy description
as there is a lot of reflection
in the soil.]

[in theory there is no organic
soil on the moon. It is a common
misnomer for the substance]




makes an iconic picture
of the ancient regolith,
ground down under foot of Man
for the very first time;


[not sure you need the semi-colon]

and over billions of years by
meteoric impact and
the constant bombardment
by the charged atomic particles
blown in on the Solar wind.

[I agree with another reviewer
that the poem could end here
as the rest is kind of speculative
having been factual and
scientific. It looks like there
is a volta in your poem just here]

They call it space weathering.
Buzz shoots the moonscape.
Is he I wonder a little jealous
of the kudos attached to being
the famed first man on the moon?
Thinking perhaps,
it should have been me.

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Re: A Fall of Moon dust

Post by keith » Mon Apr 21, 2014 3:32 pm

Jackie wrote:...why not lose Is he I wonder a little jealous
of the kudos attached to being
the famed first man on the moon?
, and go directly to something like
Buzz shoots the moonscape
only the moonscape, thinking perhaps,
it should have been me.
Just an idea,
Jackie
I agree. The poem flows beautifully until this, which felt a little clunky to me.

Also...
by the charged atomic particles
... 'the' seeming superfluous (to me), but that's a very minor point.

Very much enjoyed reading it.

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Re: A Fall of Moon dust

Post by cynwulf » Wed Apr 23, 2014 11:16 am

Enjoyed this one a lot , I found the contrast you make between the scientific account and the possible personal affect on the astronaut very telling.
regards, Cynwulf.

KevJ
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Re: A Fall of Moon dust

Post by KevJ » Fri Apr 25, 2014 5:22 pm

Thanks all for your in depth analysis of this one It's very much appreciated and has given me much to ponder.

Hello and welcome Stephanie. Thank you for your thoughts too I look forward to reading your work here.

"[in theory there is no organic
soil on the moon. It is a common
misnomer for the substance]"

You are quite right in saying that the lunar surface has no organic matter as it does on Earth, however my understanding is that the boffins at NASA still refer to it as Lunar soil and the phrase was very much in use at the time of the Apollo landings so I think I will stick with it here. Your other comments however have given me something to think about and I will bear them in mind for the rewrite. Many thanks. :)
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Re: A Fall of Moon dust (revision)

Post by Beowulf » Mon Sep 01, 2014 3:40 pm

Hi Kev,
I like the revised version. It appears tighter.
I've often struggled with opening lines,

Is,

"The Moon dust falls
in the bright Earthlight
Buzz plants a boot print
in the glassy lunar soil,"

to be read as complete logical unit ?

I'm a little confused with Earthlight
in here .

I'm sure there is a valid reason which I aint getting .

Beo

KevJ
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Re: A Fall of Moon dust (revision)

Post by KevJ » Tue Sep 02, 2014 3:30 pm

Beowulf wrote:Hi Kev,
I like the revised version. It appears tighter.
I've often struggled with opening lines,

Is,

"The Moon dust falls
in the bright Earthlight
Buzz plants a boot print
in the glassy lunar soil,"

to be read as complete logical unit ?

I'm a little confused with Earthlight
in here .

I'm sure there is a valid reason which I aint getting .

Beo
Hi Beo. Earthlight is merely a reference to the reflected light of the Earth on the moons surface. Wouldn't be as bright as Sunlight thinking about it perhaps I should change it? Will give it some thought.

Kev
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Re: A Fall of Moon dust (revision)

Post by Beowulf » Tue Sep 02, 2014 5:10 pm

Hi Kev,
Earthlight makes sense now. After rereading the poem Earthlight snapped into place (and felt better than sunlight).

Capitalizing Earthlight tripped me, also the lack of a “,” after Earthlight.
Either I’m splitting hairs or I’m not getting my indentation correct.

Beo

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Re: A Fall of Moon dust (revision)

Post by dafra » Tue Sep 02, 2014 5:17 pm

Yes, would be similar to moonlight which at brightest casts shadows and does show up motes. Maybe "The Moon dust falls through received Earthlight"

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Re: A Fall of Moon dust (revision)

Post by Goo » Thu Sep 04, 2014 12:50 am

Hi there Kev,

For me the adjectives used throughout are a little bit much;

in the bright Earthlight
Buzz plants a boot print
in the glassy lunar soil,
makes an iconic picture
of the ancient regolith,

Although some of them are nice, I find too many used consecutively make the narrative sound too contrived, does that make sense to you? I also feel like the word "The" being repeated in the first two lines is a bit jarring.

For example, I quite like -

Moon dust falls in the Earthlight

as an opening line. However it depends if you want to keep the internal rhyme of bright and light, either way I think there is room to cull some of the descriptive words there.

The semi-colon confused me here, implying you were changing subject, which made the ending not make sense when I was reading it. A comma would do fine imo.

As for the ending I really liked the original idea and feel the poem has lost a bit of its charm without it. I enjoyed the juxtaposition between man and his transient desire and the enormity of
billions of years by
meteoric impact and
the constant bombardment
by the charged atomic particles
blown in on the Solar wind.



I definitely think there's a promising poem here. It's original and that's cool.

Thanks
H

KevJ
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Re: A Fall of Moon dust (revision)

Post by KevJ » Fri Sep 05, 2014 5:48 pm

Thanks Dafra and Goo for your thoughts. Thanks Goo for taking the time to analyse plenty to think about there.

Kev
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