Breath dissolves in time

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clemonz
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Breath dissolves in time

Post by clemonz » Mon Apr 07, 2014 6:48 am

The breath dissolves

A body forgotten
its every contour.

She didn't call, she “married”
and that isn't enough,
though it should be, is.

What lover could disband
my patience for her,
my anger. The night is quiet and outside
the street is a row of parked cars.


And I wonder if she still
wears the same clothes, ever.

-----------------------

Breath dissolves in time

A body forgotten
its every contour.

She didn't call, she “married”
and that isn't enough,
though it should be, is.

What lover could disband
my patience for her,
my anger. The night is quiet and outside
the street is full of parked cars.

And I wonder what she does, now.


--------------

thinking of cutting out the beginning. i also made this - performance art yo ;)

http://oxford.craigslist.co.uk/tlg/4410940014.html

:D !
just randomly venting really eh.;
Last edited by clemonz on Fri Apr 11, 2014 9:28 am, edited 2 times in total.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."

penguin
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Re: Breath dissolves in time

Post by penguin » Mon Apr 07, 2014 4:20 pm

I like the What lover could disband...... passage. The rest reads like you've had ideas and not bothered to express them properly. Like the opening 2 lines,that could, should be fashioned into something fine. It's embryonic as it is.

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clemonz
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Re: Breath dissolves in time

Post by clemonz » Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:10 am

i see what you mean, but ezra pound said something to the effect of - once you've said what you need to, STOP.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."

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clemonz
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Re: Breath dissolves in time

Post by clemonz » Wed Apr 09, 2014 4:25 am

"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."

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Re: Breath dissolves in time

Post by penguin » Wed Apr 09, 2014 7:29 pm

clemonz wrote:i see what you mean, but ezra pound said something to the effect of - once you've said what you need to, STOP.
Which didn't stop him making hundreds of radio broadcasts in support of Mussolini and fascism during World War 2.

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clemonz
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Re: Breath dissolves in time

Post by clemonz » Fri Apr 11, 2014 8:31 am

penguin wrote:
clemonz wrote:i see what you mean, but ezra pound said something to the effect of - once you've said what you need to, STOP.
Which didn't stop him making hundreds of radio broadcasts in support of Mussolini and fascism during World War 2.
yeah not sure what relevance his broadcasts are.

edited the poem a bit... the last line probably "jars" too much - the switch to causalness probs doesn't work.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."

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Re: Breath dissolves in time

Post by penguin » Fri Apr 11, 2014 11:33 am

clemonz wrote:
penguin wrote:
clemonz wrote:i see what you mean, but ezra pound said something to the effect of - once you've said what you need to, STOP.
Which didn't stop him making hundreds of radio broadcasts in support of Mussolini and fascism during World War 2.
yeah not sure what relevance his broadcasts are.
Well, just as I wouldn't rush for marriage guidance from someone who has been divorced 6 or 7 times, so I would pay little heed to someone who can't even take his own advice. Not that I don't admire his consistency - do as I say, not as I do being the requisite motto for the badge on the shirt.

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Re: Breath dissolves in time

Post by KevJ » Fri Apr 11, 2014 5:59 pm

The changing of the last line work well I think. Enjoyed.
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Re: Breath dissolves in time

Post by Jackie » Sat Apr 12, 2014 7:26 am

Yes, I agree the ending is much improved.

Jackie

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