not to be phased :D

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clemonz
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not to be phased :D

Post by clemonz » Sat Apr 05, 2014 12:54 am

I am still living

A cig I left to burn upon
the step, or a shallow cut

across the wrist.
A shattered vase with flowers in.
I remind myself, unable to begin.

--- thanks for the halp!

Still living

I am still living but
what feelings have not gone?
A cig I left to burn upon
the step, or a shallow cut

across the wrist.
A shattered vase with flowers in.
I live unable to begin.
Last edited by clemonz on Fri Apr 11, 2014 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."

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Re: not to be phased :D

Post by Macavity » Sun Apr 06, 2014 8:00 am

clemonz wrote:Still living

I am still living but
what feelings have not gone?
A cig I left to burn upon
the step, or a shallow cut

across my milky skin.
A shattered vase with flowers in.
I live unable to begin.
Just a suggestion Clem. Not sure what modifier to use before skin, but thought it would help your rhyme scheme.

all the best

mac

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Jackie
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Re: not to be phased :D

Post by Jackie » Sun Apr 06, 2014 1:39 pm

Clem,

I read the second line with dread that you would follow it with a list of feelings, and was so delighted to be given several pieces of evidence so I could do my own thinking instead. That's hard to do if this is a situation you're living through yourself.

I particularly like the simplicity of the last line.

I suspect my variety of English uses prepositions differently—upon the step sounds overly dramatic, and I don't think I'd end a sentence with in—but maybe that works for you.

Jackie

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clemonz
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Re: not to be phased :D

Post by clemonz » Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:08 pm

I read the second line with dread that you would follow it with a list of feelings
lol
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."

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Re: not to be phased :D

Post by penguin » Mon Apr 07, 2014 7:23 pm

clemonz wrote:Still living

I am still living but
what feelings have not gone?
A cig I left to burn upon
the step,


Great up to there but the cut wrist is a bit obvious after that.

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clemonz
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Re: not to be phased :D

Post by clemonz » Tue Apr 08, 2014 5:01 pm

obious how?

there are good hits for "shallow cut across the wrst" but only four.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."

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Re: not to be phased :D

Post by bodkin » Tue Apr 08, 2014 8:16 pm

Suggestion : in the last line, say something else is unable to begin -- make it a metaphor not a direct statement...
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Re: not to be phased :D

Post by clemonz » Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:08 am

ok, thanks so much for thr reply.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."

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