I am still living
A cig I left to burn upon
the step, or a shallow cut
across the wrist.
A shattered vase with flowers in.
I remind myself, unable to begin.
--- thanks for the halp!
Still living
I am still living but
what feelings have not gone?
A cig I left to burn upon
the step, or a shallow cut
across the wrist.
A shattered vase with flowers in.
I live unable to begin.
not to be phased :D
not to be phased :D
Last edited by clemonz on Fri Apr 11, 2014 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
Re: not to be phased :D
Just a suggestion Clem. Not sure what modifier to use before skin, but thought it would help your rhyme scheme.clemonz wrote:Still living
I am still living but
what feelings have not gone?
A cig I left to burn upon
the step, or a shallow cut
across my milky skin.
A shattered vase with flowers in.
I live unable to begin.
all the best
mac
Re: not to be phased :D
Clem,
I read the second line with dread that you would follow it with a list of feelings, and was so delighted to be given several pieces of evidence so I could do my own thinking instead. That's hard to do if this is a situation you're living through yourself.
I particularly like the simplicity of the last line.
I suspect my variety of English uses prepositions differently—upon the step sounds overly dramatic, and I don't think I'd end a sentence with in—but maybe that works for you.
Jackie
I read the second line with dread that you would follow it with a list of feelings, and was so delighted to be given several pieces of evidence so I could do my own thinking instead. That's hard to do if this is a situation you're living through yourself.
I particularly like the simplicity of the last line.
I suspect my variety of English uses prepositions differently—upon the step sounds overly dramatic, and I don't think I'd end a sentence with in—but maybe that works for you.
Jackie
Re: not to be phased :D
lolI read the second line with dread that you would follow it with a list of feelings
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
Re: not to be phased :D
clemonz wrote:Still living
I am still living but
what feelings have not gone?
A cig I left to burn upon
the step,
Great up to there but the cut wrist is a bit obvious after that.
Re: not to be phased :D
obious how?
there are good hits for "shallow cut across the wrst" but only four.
there are good hits for "shallow cut across the wrst" but only four.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
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Re: not to be phased :D
Suggestion : in the last line, say something else is unable to begin -- make it a metaphor not a direct statement...
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/
Re: not to be phased :D
ok, thanks so much for thr reply.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."