Call of Nature (revision2)

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Macavity
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Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:38 pm

revision2

She signs with cigarette, desires a light,
a ladder snakes her scarlet tights, from knee
to hem and hem to knee it gathers me.
Oh Jeannie why this lust for morning tea?

In spider games, beneath the candlelight,
we thread and bead and thread, our bodies wed,
her face too pale to wear that scarlet red.
Oh Jeannie why this lust for tea in bed?

Come night, come morning, come this sweet delight
we roll and fold in sheets of sultry sea
and then her smokers cough, my need to flee.
Oh Jeannie all lust ends in cups of tea.




=========================================================================================================================

revision1

She signs with cigarette, desires a light,
a ladder snakes her scarlet tights, from knee
to hem and hem to knee it gathers me.
Oh ennui why this lust for morning tea?

In spider games, beneath the candlelight,
we thread and bead and thread, our bodies wed,
her face too pale to wear that scarlet red.
Oh ennui why this lust for tea in bed?

Come night, come morning, come this sweet delight
we seed and seep in sheets of sultry sea
and then her smokers cough, my need to flee.
Oh ennui all lust ends in cups of tea.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

original

She signs with cigarette, desires a light,
a ladder snakes her scarlet tights, from knee
to hem and hem to knee it gathers me.
Oh Jeannie why this lust for morning tea?

In spider games, beneath the candlelight,
we thread and bead and thread, our bodies wed,
her face too pale to wear that scarlet red.
Oh Jeannie why this lust for tea in bed?

Come night, come morning, come this sweet delight
we seed and seep in sheets of salted sea
and then her smokers cough, my need to flee.
Oh Jeannie all lust ends in cups of tea.
Last edited by Macavity on Sat Apr 05, 2014 11:43 pm, edited 4 times in total.

David
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Re: Call of Nature (revision1)

Post by David » Sat Apr 05, 2014 10:49 am

I think this is great, Mac. Not sure why it's made it on to page 2 of Active topics uncommented on so far. It reminded me of Betjeman in his aging lecher vein. Senex? http://www.famouspoetsandpoems.com/poet ... /poems/826

I must confess - and may here be revealing my unworldly innocence, alas - I don't get the refrain with the tea. Go on, show me up by explaining it. And I prefer Jeannie to ennui - why would you change that? But the rhythm, throughout, is riveting, and I love the sinuous rhyming too. Very good!

Cheers

David

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Jackie
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Re: Call of Nature (revision1)

Post by Jackie » Sat Apr 05, 2014 12:50 pm

Enjoyed this so much, Mac. It feels medieval, like a triolet. The first stanza especially drew me in.

In the third stanza, I found the 2nd line quite a mouthful to get through, but maybe that's just me. I also, personally, would have put more of a break after cough. I'd start the last sentence there:
My need to flee—
Oh ennui all lust ends in cups of tea.


But then that's just me.

Jackie

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Re: Call of Nature (revision1)

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 05, 2014 11:22 pm

hi David

Thanks for fishing on page 2! Poetry on the margins, in the shadows, was ever thus :) Betjeman was a definite influence, and the ennui revision was an attempt to hook some existentialist pg punters. Back to Jeannie. Tea? For those that derive more satisfaction from tea than sex...both have their consequences.

all the best

mac

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 05, 2014 11:27 pm

Thanks Jackie. I hear what you mean from that line. Too many 's' words, must have been the subject matter :). Anyway reined it in a little....
Will think on S3 some more.

all the best

mac

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by KevJ » Sun Apr 06, 2014 1:02 pm

Really like this Mac. Like the rhythm. Can't make my mind up if tea is better than sex.... but I do like a good cuppa. :wink: Think the revision2 nails it for me.
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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Sun Apr 06, 2014 8:34 pm

KevJ wrote:Really like this Mac. Like the rhythm. Can't make my mind up if tea is better than sex.... but I do like a good cuppa. :wink: Think the revision2 nails it for me.
:lol: Perhaps there's something added to the tea :wink: Thanks for the thumbs up Kev.

all the best

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by penguin » Mon Apr 07, 2014 7:11 pm

I don't think it's one of your better poems, but at least you got the worst bit in early -

a ladder snakes her scarlet tights, from knee
to hem and hem to knee it gathers me.

The rhythm is awry, I'd prefer this

a ladder snakes her scarlet tights,
from knee to hem and hem to knee

and you're being gathered by a ladder? In the context should you not be raised?
Used to be that lust ended with a cigarette, but cups of tea now, is it? Hmm.

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Tue Apr 08, 2014 4:14 am

Thanks for stopping by Ray. Will ponder your suggestion.

all the best

mac

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by Ros » Tue Apr 08, 2014 8:38 am

I rather like the ending, and the repeats, but I'd have to agree with Ray that the rest doesn't do so much for me. Our bodies wed is a bit 'poetic', and the movements of spiders seems a bit remote from sex. I'm not keen on losing the article here:

She signs with cigarette

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by cynwulf » Tue Apr 08, 2014 10:47 am

Morning Mac ,
glad to see Jeannie's back- life's too short for existential angst. Your rhyming and vowel play and topic are positively something Dafydd ap Gwilym himself wd approve.
Regards C.

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Tue Apr 08, 2014 9:13 pm

Thanks Ros and C.
Our bodies wed is a bit 'poetic',
Yes, it is Ros, but then that is the nature of this poem/indulgence.
glad to see Jeannie's back- life's too short for existential angst
Yes, it is C. Far too short not to have some play in/with poems....

all the best

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by keith » Tue Apr 08, 2014 10:04 pm

Some very nice imagery. I particularly like
a ladder snakes her scarlet tights, from knee
to hem and hem to knee
Makes me feel like I'm stealing a sneaky glance myself :)

The repetition of the last line of each stanza doesn't quite work for me - it imposes itself in a way that detracts from the overall flow. I guess I'd have preferred to see it 'arrive' at that final line, if that makes any sense.

But beautifully written and very enjoyable.

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:05 pm

Makes me feel like I'm stealing a sneaky glance myself :)
:oops: :lol: Thanks Keith.
The repetition of the last line of each stanza doesn't quite work for me - it imposes itself in a way that detracts from the overall flow. I guess I'd have preferred to see it 'arrive' at that final line, if that makes any sense.
Useful comment on the structure. Appreciated.

As you can see there are a few opposite views on the parts/whole of this poem, but that's not unusual and it's nice to get any feedback. Look forward to reading your work. I'd advise posting around a few forums on the internet. You will find a range of opinions on your poems and what poetry is about! :wink:

all the best

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by keith » Sun Apr 13, 2014 6:38 pm

Macavity wrote:As you can see there are a few opposite views on the parts/whole of this poem, but that's not unusual and it's nice to get any feedback.
Absolutely - all views I express are strictly my own and I fully expect others not to agree with them. Nor would I want them too - it wouldn't be art if we all shared the same opinion!
Macavity wrote: Look forward to reading your work. I'd advise posting around a few forums on the internet. You will find a range of opinions on your poems and what poetry is about! :wink:
Hmm, well, we'll see. It's much easier to criticize others... :P

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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by Ros » Mon Apr 14, 2014 7:46 am

Macavity wrote: Look forward to reading your work. I'd advise posting around a few forums on the internet. You will find a range of opinions on your poems and what poetry is about! :wink:
But he's already come to the best place on the internet...
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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by Bee » Sat May 03, 2014 11:31 am

I love the concept and rhythm that you have in this poem
a ladder snakes her scarlet tights, from knee
this is without a doubt my favourite line as it flows really well and the imagery is amazing :)

The only part that didn't work for me personally was
Come night, come morning, come this sweet delight
It just seemed a bit wordy but the rest I really enjoyed

Bee x
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Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Sat May 03, 2014 5:49 pm

The only part that didn't work for me personally was

Come night, come morning, come this sweet delight


It just seemed a bit wordy but the rest I really enjoyed
Cheers Bee. That's the line which has troubled me most! It does sound just too laboured, though in a sense, that was the intention (to convey tedium).

welcome to the forum!

all the best

mac

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