Is that it? (My last day).

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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nottslinnet
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Is that it? (My last day).

Post by nottslinnet » Fri Mar 14, 2014 12:20 pm

How shall I feel?
When my heart slows down like an overturned wheel
Pained at the prospect or pleased for the best?
Through peacefully coming to rest.
And the slowly spinning spokes
Are faintly flickering kaleidoscopes,
Slicing off tiny slivers of days,
Droplets of memories, in a heavenly haze
While two of the remaining heartbeats un-guessed
Go bumpety-bump and collide in my chest.
A volcano counting down ‘til it stops
Before piling up ash on marble tops.

But don’t let me linger, just let me go,
Switch off the machine; put a tag on my toe.
Pull out the wires, switch off the plug
Drink in my features - from a commemorative mug.
But I will miss you more than words,
And bread, and beer, and even birds.
I will miss so many things
Left with a fork - I wanted wings!
In thrall to you my wings are dipped.
Love was a coin, I often flipped
The final words remained unspoken
Love is gone, my heart is broken.

brianedwards
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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by brianedwards » Fri Mar 14, 2014 12:40 pm

Seriously?

B.

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Jackie
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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by Jackie » Fri Mar 14, 2014 12:42 pm

Simon, I think, since you posted this poem, you would like feedback. But in light of
In the fairly short time I've been on here I've grown extremely weary of people suggesting different words / lines or carping on about relevance. For me poetry is what I want to say - to include someone elses ideas is to undermine your own work / integrity. Its fine to be criticised and say I dont like it, or I dont understand it, or its depressing/tedious/unintersting - but leave the words alone. Each of us - I suspect - has worked long and hard at polishing our works - sometimes they reveal rare gems, othertimes mere turds, but they will never benefit from being part of a co-operative.
, I'm finding it difficult to know what to say. What sort of feedback would help you?

Jackie

nottslinnet
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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by nottslinnet » Fri Mar 14, 2014 12:44 pm

No, Brian, not from you thanks.

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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by nottslinnet » Fri Mar 14, 2014 12:53 pm

Jackie

Say what you feel about it - as I said before. Say what emotion it conveys, or why it doesnt work. Just dont nit pick about the words. If you dont like some words thats fine. I just dont need suggestions on re-writes cos then that stops being my voice and becomes a lot of voices (a Tower of Babel).

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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by brianedwards » Fri Mar 14, 2014 1:09 pm

Simon, I've moved this to beginner's. The quality of your writing and your attitude to critique suggests you are either new to poetry or poetry "workshops". You seem currently unable to engage in dialogue at the level expected on the Experienced board. I'd be happy to go into this further if you so wish.

B.

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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by David » Fri Mar 14, 2014 1:19 pm

Dear Simon, dear Brian, you seem to be plugged into a descending spiral of mutual retaliatory sniping. Can we cease and desist, please?

Simon, in the spirit of your advice to the reader (specifically Jackie), I don't think S1 works but I rather like S2, and even there I think the first half is better than the second half, but the whole stanza has an attractively perky gallows humour that is missing from the abstractions of S1.

So I would lose - or redraft - S1, and beef up the second half of S2.

I genuinely hope that helps. Still, I should add that dont nit pick about the words must be completely the wrong request to make in a poetry workshop. I'm sure you see that yourself, really. It's all about the words, isn't it? It's amazing what a well-placed word can do, e.g.

Cheers

David

P.S. I drafted this before, but posted it after, Brian moved the poem to Beginners. Not sure what to make of that at the moment. I'm off for my lunchtime constitutional, and rather dread what I may find here when I get back. Nothing too bad, I hope.

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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by brianedwards » Fri Mar 14, 2014 1:31 pm

No sniping here David, and slightly confused at your accusation. That said, I too hope Simon is able to engage here in a cordial manner. None of us are here to make enemies I'm sure.

B.

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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by k-j » Sat Mar 15, 2014 6:12 am

I think your problem lies in your equation of "work / integrity". If those two things are the same for you then you'll never get better. Unfortunately for you, poems are made of words, and the only way to improve a poem is to change the words.

In general I quite like what you write. You go mad with the rhyming couplets and very well. I really like your rhymes because they mix parts of speech and have the odd unusual word, although "kaleidoscopes/spokes" isn't quite perfect.

I think this piece could do with slightly - just a bit - slowing down and thinking about rhythm as well as rhyme. Also sense. E.g. lines 2 and 3 suggest that an overturned wheel is "pained at the etc". Punctuation would cure that, a colon after "wheel".

"Droplets of memories, in a heavenly haze" is awful, saccharine, Mills & Boon stuff.

"Counting down 'til it stops" - no shit Sherlock! It's hardly going to continue counting after it stops, is it? Clearly a case of rhyme over sense.

I like the plug/mug line and rhyme. And in fact the second verse is much better. I would get rid of the last two lines, I don't think they add anything.

Anyway, sorry for undermining your work/integrity!

K
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by Tim Love » Sat Mar 15, 2014 7:04 am

On the general point about voice, I've heard various opinions -
  • Eavan Boland et al considers it more essential than ever that poets should discover "a real voice, a true voice". First find yourself, then you'll find your poetry.
  • Others think that using the term "voice" rather than "style" identifies the words too closely with the person, and offers the poet a convenient excuse for not widening their range.
I have trouble with the notion of authenticity, and wouldn't know if I'd found a voice, but if you're happy with the way things are, good for you. I think being typecast is useful in a marketing sense, but it might stifle development - it depends how young you are. It might be worth trying some PoV exercises or dramatic monologues. You may even consider submitting poems under different names. If nothing else, these activities might add nuances and new inflections to your current style - though it may be fit for purpose as it is.

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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by Jackie » Sat Mar 15, 2014 10:04 am

I appreciate the perspective you added to this, Tim.

Jackie

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Re: Is that it? (My last day).

Post by clemonz » Sun Mar 16, 2014 3:10 am

I really like your rhymes because they mix parts of speech and have the odd unusual word
i also like the way your poems seem to focus on the rhymes, not just via novelty but the way that one seems to madly lead onto the next,

:)

edit i don't think sincerity is enough for style tho, cos style develops through practice imho.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."

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