Bickering Girls

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nottslinnet
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Bickering Girls

Post by nottslinnet » Tue Feb 04, 2014 8:24 am

Bickering girls trying to wake up
Day-dreaming boys, wanting to break up
From the girls they got left with
Those left in the shake up.
And the girls know it's coming
By the boys tuneless humming
They cry their own rivers, tears round as pearls
Fishing with rods made of dangling curls
Dribbling eye make up
Like liquorice whirls

The morning has come, the dawning has too
Waking up next to 'I haven't a clue'
The night seemed much younger
When you force-fed his hunger
But now lips sore & pursed
Thoughts heard & rehearsed
The sadness & shame, the halting & lame
I'm sorry it happened; please tell me your name
And the time and the date
You breached Heaven's Gate

Macavity
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Re: Bickering Girls

Post by Macavity » Tue Feb 04, 2014 9:26 am

Fishing with rods made of dangling curls
Liked that image. Of course, the writing is driven by rhyme. If you wish to balance the line, with less focus on end rhyme, perhaps shift some to internal rhymes. Alternatively, you could work the rhyme into limerick form.

cheers

mac

k-j
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Re: Bickering Girls

Post by k-j » Tue Feb 04, 2014 1:51 pm

Not bad for such an ambitious go at rhyme and meter!

It scans pretty well to me.

The rhyme isn't quite symmetrical between the two stanzas, but I can live with that. It's just a wee bit annoying that you have a single unrhymed line (3).

A few comments:

"Bickering" implies two people, doesn't it? You can't bicker by yourself. Actually the first four lines are a bit confusing if you think about them. Who are the girls bickering with, if the boys are asleep? How can they be day-dreaming is they're asleep? Are the girls the boys got left with who were "left in the shake up" the same as the ones trying to wake the boys up? How could the girls have been left in the shake up, if they did in fact end up with boys? Maybe I'm ovethinking this, sorry. Or it's some kind of group grope.

"It's coming" - what's coming?

"Boys'" needs a possessive apostrophe.

"Tears round as pearls" is kind of a funny shape for a tear isn't it? Aren't tears more teardrop-shaped? Sort of pear-shaped? At least traditionally.

I quite like the last three lines of S1.

"Dawning" and "morning" is such a predictable rhyme, I'd replace "dawning" with something else, assuming you mean dawning realisation and not the literal dawn, in which case there's also no need for it.

The night seemed much younger? Was much younger, surely?

Not sure why you switch to &s all of a sudden in S2 l5-l7. However these are good lines I think, and the next one, S2 l 8 is the best in the poem.

"breached Heaven's Gate" - that's a bit gross.

Kudos overall for getting a fairly shipshape rhythm and a rhyme that more or less works. I definitely wouldn't abandon the rhyme or turn it into a limerick (!) Just needs work on the details I think.
fine words butter no parsnips

Macavity
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Re: Bickering Girls

Post by Macavity » Tue Feb 04, 2014 2:09 pm

It scans pretty well to me.
Excuse my ignorance k-j, but what meter is this in?

mac

nottslinnet
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Re: Bickering Girls

Post by nottslinnet » Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:22 pm

Mac

I'm tempted to say 'parking'.

k.j

Thanks for the detailed constructive criticism. I'm not a big fan of deconstructing poetry - but as you raise points I'll try & explain.

Its the night after a party, things have happened, that were not planned. Like most young people's parties the alpha males and their girls have long since gone when the excitement stopped (hence the girls who are left). The girls are bickering cos they didn't get the boys they wanted, the boys just want to go home - they're disinterested, switched-off, (tuneless humming). They need to get away from what happened with girls they dont want to date again, they intend to make their excuses & get away - as fast as possible. Both the girls and the boys appreciate this (they know that its coming).

Dawning was meant to suggest realisation - othwerwise it would be mere duplication.

Finally - tears round as pearls. I could I guess babble on about surface tension and the shapes of liquids, but I wanted a simple pciture to convey lost innocence - round pure pearls was the best I could do!

Simon
Yes. Heaven's Gate is gross, I'm thinking of middle-class kids of about 18 - where the rougher aspects of relationships may well still be d/w with un-clever euphemism.

The & 's. Yes. I'm sorry, I'm low-tech, so I have to type each poem by hand and its slow work on a mobile phone - so that was just me being lazy.

David
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Re: Bickering Girls

Post by David » Thu Feb 06, 2014 7:23 pm

Terrific crit from k-j. He does that.

I like this too. It's nice to have someone who is such a deft exponent of rhyme and rhythm. (We have others, but it's clearly the only way to go for you, and a lot of the others - and I, in fact - like to dabble in free verse as well. You wouldn't be tempted?)

Reading this was like reading the lyric sheet on one of my favourite albums in the 70s. I enjoyed reliving the experience. I hope you won't be offended by the likeness.

Cheers

David

nottslinnet
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Re: Bickering Girls

Post by nottslinnet » Thu Feb 06, 2014 8:00 pm

Not at all, the 70's were my teenage years, I loved them.

I'm glad you liked it, I've been a bit disheartened so far by the lack of interest in my poems

David
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Re: Bickering Girls

Post by David » Thu Feb 06, 2014 8:09 pm

nottslinnet wrote:Not at all, the 70's were my teenage years, I loved them.

I'm glad you liked it, I've been a bit disheartened so far by the lack of interest in my poems
Oh, I don't think you should be. (How can you say that, after k-j's magnum opus?!?) Anyway, your poems ... I like 'em. The only thing I would say is that I've seen you have two or three - maybe three or four - on the go at one time. The temptation then - and I succumbed to this earlier tonight - is to skip over your other poems if I've just commented (as I had) on one. I always post mine a bit more sparingly. And, of course, what goes around comes around - the more of other people's poems you comment on, not necessarily praising them but at least engaging with them, the more people you get coming back to yours.

Just a thought, anyway.

Cheers

David

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Bee
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Re: Bickering Girls

Post by Bee » Tue Apr 29, 2014 7:39 pm

Hi
Please bare with me I'm a newbie
You seem to have a really good rhythm going on here although as others have pointed out it could do with some minor tweaking to make it flow perfectly
The morning has come, the dawning has too
Waking up next to 'I haven't a clue'
I think the pun you have here is really clever and these lines gives a good insight into the grotty under life of young adulthood (not entirely sure if that was what you were going for but that was my interpretation of it anyway)

Thanks for the entertaining read
Bee x
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KevJ
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Re: Bickering Girls

Post by KevJ » Fri May 02, 2014 5:53 pm

I like a rhyme drive poem and this works very well for me. Some nice imagery too.
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