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Flid

Posted: Mon Feb 03, 2014 10:31 am
by nottslinnet
I am mental
Temperamental and judgemental
My brain is bent almost
Back around the bend again

I am a loony
Mad as an angry Rooney
People say that soon he
Will be put away (no pain)

I am a stupid jerk
Sane at home, but daft at work
Exhibiting the many quirks
I'm never able to explain

It's a brush I am as daft as
Giggling like I've won the Baftas
Clinging to a raft as
I gurgle, going down the drain

Re: Flid

Posted: Mon Feb 03, 2014 11:12 am
by nottslinnet
For clarification I should point out that 'Flid' is a word created by my wife - it's a contraction of flip my lid. The poem is subtitled 'coping with depression '

Re: Flid

Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:59 am
by Jackie
This sounds more like reaffirming depression, but I'm hoping that you're coping!

To me, these two lines are magnificent:
Clinging to a raft as
I gurgle, going down the drain
Jackie

Re: Flid

Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 10:47 am
by nottslinnet
Thanks Jackie

I'm glad you responded - everybody else seems to have shied away from it. Depression is not a scary subject it's just a problem to be dealt with, like many another. I have tried in the poem to portray the problem in a humorous way - better than moaning about it.

I'm wondering whether to continue posting here as I'm not really interested in changing my poems (though I accept odd words could be changed) - they have generally been honed to say what I want them to say. I'm more interested in a critical evaluation of my work - do I have talent, or not?

Mind you, posting on here has kept me off twitter recently so may be no bad thing

Simon

Re: Flid

Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 11:40 am
by Jackie
Hi Simon,

Just out of curiosity, from which of the contributors on PGW (or on any other forum for that matter) would you accept a verdict of TALENT or NO TALENT? And if that person said you had no talent, would you stop writing? If they said you had talent, would you seek no feedback from then on?

IMHO, talent, or giftedness, is usually spotty. What I've learned from the responses I've had to the poems I've submitted here is that sometimes I write well. I might have a great image, or a very good few stanzas but the rest need work. I would even dare to say that the best on this forum do not always achieve perfection. Heck, my mother-in-law was a great cook, but sometimes she put too much salt in the soup! And if nobody tasted it, how would she know? Ongoing feedback's important.

Jackie

Re: Flid

Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 1:25 pm
by nottslinnet
A consensus, probably. I don't know any of these people other than the small amount of poems I've read. I tried a separate forum in parallel to this one but the quality was dreadful - I went through a dozen 'poems' and couldn't find a good word to say about any of them. At least here some of the stuff is mostly readable.

Re: Flid

Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 4:18 pm
by Ros
nottslinnet wrote:A consensus, probably. I don't know any of these people other than the small amount of poems I've read. I tried a separate forum in parallel to this one but the quality was dreadful - I went through a dozen 'poems' and couldn't find a good word to say about any of them. At least here some of the stuff is mostly readable.
It depends why you're writing, I think. If it's for your own pleasure, and, as you say, you're saying what you want, then you have no real incentive to improve. If you want to say what you're saying in a more original, more striking, more effective way, then stay here. Think of it as learning to paint watercolour, for example. There are craft techniques that will make you better - some people will always have more talent than others, but everyone can learn how to phrase things with more subtlety, more control of emotion, more interesting expressions etc. In general terms, I wouldn't say your poems feel honed, yet, to me.

Ros

Re: Flid

Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:01 pm
by Lynn
Hi Nottslinnet.

Is this poem really about coping with depression? I ask because it's quite a colourful little poem and depression is grey. 'Temperamental, judgemental, angry, stupid, daft and quirky' don't spell depression - do they? I re read it as tho' it was written in the third person and liked it more that way. I know what you mean about feeling you have captured something that you don't then want to change. And yet in doing so you have nothing to lose. Crafting a poem once it is written is part of the art of poetry and if after doing so you prefer it the way it was then lo and behold - there it still is. It's not like a painting which can be lost forever. I have re worked poems, which I initially believed were exactly as I wanted them, and been quite astounded at how much better they can be. Lynn

Re: Flid

Posted: Thu Feb 13, 2014 6:26 am
by brianedwards
I didn't get anything at all about depression from this piece. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it - some of it bounces along jollily and some of the rhymes genuinely made me smile. But depression? No. I understood it more as, y'know, You Don't Have To Be Mad To Work Here . . . A bit wacky, a bit zany . . . and frankly, by the end, a bit annoying.

Some nice wordplay though, kudos.

B.

Re: Flid

Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2014 9:14 am
by John G
not really sure what's being said here or what the intentions are.

I am a stupid jerk
Sane at home, but daft at work
Exhibiting the many quirks
I'm never able to explain

seems to give the impression of a David Brent character, annoying and sad rather than depressed.