In The Suburbs (prose poem)

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David Smedley
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In The Suburbs (prose poem)

Post by David Smedley » Thu Jan 30, 2014 10:46 am

Deborah from number 28 orgasms with sound accompaniment like that of an express train in a tunnel;
the throaty roar from her blasts through brick, plaster, and a coating of dulux apple white paint into the bedroom of number 30, where Sophia, the girl who lives there, wishes (once again) that it was her being screwed
by Alex (debza's) husband who she'd been talking to that afternoon over the garden fence... flirting, her shirt unbuttoned in the heat, drawing his eyes just as she'd planned to her perspiring cleavage;
what was it about married men she wondered that she found so sexy, she'd already had Fraser from across the road at number 57, had even had to put him off from leaving his wife ..(the fool)
she slides her fingers down her stomach and into her panties, glad that her mam and dad slept way across the landing, dead to the world.

nottslinnet
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Re: In The Suburbs (prose poem)

Post by nottslinnet » Fri Jan 31, 2014 12:16 pm

David

For me, that's not a poem. Its well-written but its not a poem.

Is the 'coating of dulux apple white' a reference to semen?

Why is Frazer a fool for being 'put off leaving his wife'. Surely Sophia just wanted sex with him, not for him to leave his wife, so isn't he doing the right thing in her eyes by staying with her (the wife)?

Simon

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Re: In The Suburbs (prose poem)

Post by David Smedley » Fri Jan 31, 2014 4:53 pm

Hello Simon, really appreciate your thoughts here.
For me, that's not a poem
I know, is it a prose poem though? that is what I want to know. If you think it is not a prose poem would you take the time to tell me why you think it is not, I would be happy to get your view on this point.
Is the 'coating of dulux apple white' a reference to semen
No, it is the paint that is on Sophia's wall.
Why is Frazer a fool for being 'put off leaving his wife'. Surely Sophia just wanted sex with him, not for him to leave his wife, so isn't he doing the right thing in her eyes by staying with her (the wife)?
I was hoping to convey the cliche that Frazer thought that sex was love, but obviously it not for sophia, hence her thinking of him as a "fool".

Thanks again for your read and post....David

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Re: In The Suburbs (prose poem)

Post by cynwulf » Sat Feb 01, 2014 7:43 pm

As ever a brilliant piece, David. However, I am at a bit of a loss on prose poems, seems a bit of an oxymoron. What distinguishes prose from poetry? Is a prose poem the same as purple prose or entirely different ( I wdnt class yr piece as purple prose,but a sort of prose nevertheless)?
Regards,C..

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Re: In The Suburbs (prose poem)

Post by Nash » Sat Feb 01, 2014 9:18 pm

I like prose poems very much, I've even written a few myself. The difference between prose and a prose poem is something I find very difficult to quantify though.

I'd suggest the best way to get to grips with the subject is to read some damn good books of prose poems. I'd start off with:

Charles Simic - The World Doesn't End
Charles Baudelaire - Paris Spleen (Baudelaire may have started the trend for prose poems, but I could be wrong there).
Simon Armitage - Seeing Stars

Read those and compare the writing with standard prose. There's the difference.

Nash.

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Re: In The Suburbs (prose poem)

Post by k-j » Sat Feb 01, 2014 10:31 pm

I'm not seeing the poetry here, DS. For me this is just prose.

It's a pretty clichéd and dated picture of suburbia, too. I think you're better off sticking to the estate.
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: In The Suburbs (prose poem)

Post by nottslinnet » Sun Feb 02, 2014 2:11 pm

Hi David. This might be an extreme view but I have no time at all for prose poetry - it's an ill-conceived bastard child of laziness & pretence. A poem is i think defined by its structure more than anything else. Prose is not defined most easily by its structure - indeed for prose structure is often of little importance. To cross a poem with prose is to achieve pretty much the same effect as crossing a horse with a donkey - a mule - a worthy, workman-like but ultimately sterile creature.

Which is not to say I dislike your writing at all

Nash

Re: In The Suburbs (prose poem)

Post by Nash » Sun Feb 02, 2014 2:45 pm

nottslinnet wrote:This might be an extreme view but I have no time at all for prose poetry - it's an ill-conceived bastard child of laziness & pretence.
"Might be an extreme view?" That's a bit of an understatement!
nottslinnet wrote:A poem is i think defined by its structure more than anything else.
Really? I would have thought a poem was more defined by use of heightened language, poetic devices, layers of meaning etc. Structure is important of course, but surely it's secondary to the actual words being written, if the structure calls for a block of text resembling prose then what of it?

Out of interest, nottslinnet, what poets do you enjoy reading?

Nash.

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Re: In The Suburbs (prose poem)

Post by Lynn » Sun Feb 02, 2014 10:26 pm

Hello David,

Do you think the title could be something different? After all it could be anywhere. It makes the writing seem stereotypical somehow and judgemental - but perhaps that was your intention?

Also, in line 2, you could try it without "the girl who lives next door" which I feel is superfluous.

Also, "panties" seems the wrong word to use in relation to a girl who calls her parents "mam and dad". Would knickers be more authentic?

Also, "perspiring cleavage" doesn't sound sexy. Blouse rather than "shirt"?. Drop "just as she'd planned" which overstates the obvious perhaps?

3 "hads" in the penultimate line?

I'm not sure what you were aiming to evoke with this piece of writing. It seems to need a wider context to fit into for it to mean anything - to me anyway. You could re-write it as a piece of full on erotica perhaps? Or make it more tactile sensual and lyrical so it could stand easily on its own.

For me personally prose poems come with a rhythm - like a song without music. The rhythm presents itself as you write. They don't conform to a formal structure and yet they sing off the page.

This piece doesn't sing to me David but then... who am I? I am only one person.

Lynn

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Re: In The Suburbs (prose poem)

Post by David Smedley » Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:47 pm

Cynwulf, thanks for yor view.
Nash, thanks a lot, have just started reading beaudelaire
K-J, thanks for youe view
Simon thanks for the revisit, and your view.
Lynn, thanks a lot for the detailed view.

regards all.David

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