Charity Walk-On The Moors (haibun)

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David Smedley
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Charity Walk-On The Moors (haibun)

Post by David Smedley » Fri Jun 28, 2013 8:04 pm

At the first rest stop my best friend shows me his new legs, made of titanium and plastic; the real ones are in Afghanistan.
"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" he says.

gunshots-
gamebirds coming apart
dandelions in the wind

We walk in single file following the contours of a stream in spate; heather gives way to pasture and day gives way to dusk.

sunlight
caught
in buttercups
Last edited by David Smedley on Sat Jun 29, 2013 5:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Charity Walk-On The Moors (haibun)

Post by Ros » Sat Jun 29, 2013 11:48 am

Hi David, Welcome to PG!

Nice one. I very much like the way

gunshots-
gamebirds coming apart
dandelions in the wind

links back to the first prose section and hints at something darker than the literal meaning.

sunlight
caught
in buttercups

is a great image. I don't know whether having this section link back to darker times as well would be a thought?

Ros
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David2
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Re: Charity Walk-On The Moors (haibun)

Post by David2 » Sat Jun 29, 2013 2:58 pm

Hi David,

I'm very vague on Japanese forms - haibun is part prose, part poem, I think?

I found myself a bit indifferent to the prose parts, but I think the poetic bits - especially

gunshots-
gamebirds coming apart
dandelions in the wind


are very good.

That would be a stream in spate, would it not?

Cheers

David

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Re: Charity Walk-On The Moors (haibun)

Post by Antcliff » Sat Jun 29, 2013 3:42 pm

Hi David,

yes I liked this too. As Ros notes, the second stanza nicely links in with the first. Also liked "day gives way to dusk".

My garden is full of buttercups...so I also liked the closing section. :D Gives a sense of victory...appropriate given the reference to the friend.


Best wishes,
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

David Smedley
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Re: Charity Walk-On The Moors (haibun)

Post by David Smedley » Sat Jun 29, 2013 6:06 pm

Thank you Ros for taking the time to read and comment, Thanks for your thought on linkage.....David

That would be a stream in spate, would it not?
David2.....sorry about that, I honestly checked as well, and then forgot to amend, i'm kicking myself.
thanks for your thought on the prose section, will try to give better in future without going "overboard"....David

Antcliff. Thank you for your read and post...David

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Re: Charity Walk-On The Moors (haibun)

Post by Macavity » Sat Jun 29, 2013 8:59 pm

At the first rest stop my best friend shows me his new legs, made of titanium and plastic; the real ones are in Afghanistan.
You may want to consider the necessity of all those adjectives. Play around with losing one or two to judge the effect eg
At the rest stop my best friend shows me his legs, made of titanium and plastic; the real ones are in Afghanistan.
gunshots-
gamebirds coming apart
dandelions in the wind
I thought that effectively conveyed being blown apart.

Look forward to more posting.

cheers

mac

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Re: Charity Walk-On The Moors (haibun)

Post by John G » Sun Jun 30, 2013 9:59 am

rather enjoyed that - I've recently been looking into haibun, like the idea of a part prose / part poem and agree with David that the poetry sections are far stronger then the prose.

I did think the first line, would be better without the Afghanistan reference, I much preferred the surreal / superhero quality of just leaving it at..."
At the first rest stop my best friend shows me his new legs, made of titanium and plastic
"...

but hello and welcome!
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

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Re: Charity Walk-On The Moors (haibun)

Post by Arian » Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:11 pm

Hi David. welcome, etc.
John G wrote: the poetry sections are far stronger then the prose.
Looks like a consensus is emerging. I agree. I like the poetic/imagistic sections quite a lot, not so sure about the rest. But I'm not familiar with haibun.

Maybe it's worth considering turning the prose sections into the poetic form, to maintain the narrative element without introducing prose. Then - presumably - it wouldn't be haibun, but (to this ear anyway), it would be a more complete piece.

Anyway, very interesting first post.

Cheers
peter

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Re: Charity Walk-On The Moors (haibun)

Post by David Smedley » Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:12 pm

Mac, thanks for your post, some people do want the "haibun" prose to be "terse" so it gives ammo to your thoughts on that section. Between all your views I have a lot to take in, I have been tampering with this one a while and will give more thought to it....David


John g
I much preferred the surreal / superhero quality
I like the thought of that. I have a couple of these"haibun" I have written recently, I will post another to see what people think of the different prose section...David

Arian, thank you for the alternative suggestion, and yes your right it would negate this being a haibun if I was to change the format. I will still mess around with this though in the way you suggest. It will be interesting to see what your thoughts are on the couple of these that I have....thanks once again
David.

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