Nebula (revised)

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Macavity
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Nebula (revised)

Post by Macavity » Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:31 pm

revised

The roll of loaded dice within this cage.
With no retreat for sleep in tired sheets
we play the lovers' game beneath the stars.
Threading these hours until it's time for tea
and toast. And so we age with marmalade
to spread the cut that's bitter sweet all through
our day. I write to stay awake and feed
this page and pray there's meaning found in space.


======================================================================================================


original

Rolling the loaded dice within the cage.
Threading these hours until it's time for tea
and toast. And so we age with marmalade
spreading the cut that's bitter sweet all through
our day. I write to stay awake and feed
this page and pray there's meaning found in space:
Last edited by Macavity on Thu Jul 04, 2013 6:48 am, edited 6 times in total.

Paula
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Re: Nebula

Post by Paula » Mon Jun 24, 2013 12:44 am

Oh your words rang in my heart today..finding the greater meaning in the little things, helps greatly.

I liked it very much, it powerfully sang a bittersweet song through my awareness of life and all its connections.....:)

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Re: Nebula

Post by Ros » Mon Jun 24, 2013 7:47 am

I love 'And so we age with marmalade'! (I'm a great marmalade fan). Bit confused about who is speaking - it's a very short poem to have 'her', 'we' and 'I' in.

Ros
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Re: Nebula

Post by Macavity » Mon Jun 24, 2013 4:17 pm

finding the greater meaning in the little things
So true Paula.

many thanks

mac

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Re: Nebula

Post by Macavity » Mon Jun 24, 2013 4:19 pm

it's a very short poem to have 'her', 'we' and 'I' in.
Spot-on Ros. Duly edited.

all the best

mac

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Re: Nebula

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jun 24, 2013 5:09 pm

Ros wrote:I love 'And so we age with marmalade'! (I'm a great marmalade fan).
Ros
Me too, but it has to be thick-cut.


Nice one, Mac.
God doesn't play dice with the universe - trust you to be different! :)
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Nebula

Post by Macavity » Mon Jun 24, 2013 7:09 pm

Me too, but it has to be thick-cut.
marmalade poetry - my kind of shred :D

mac

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Re: Nebula

Post by Ros » Mon Jun 24, 2013 7:15 pm

I'm with Paddington - plenty of chunks.

Yes, better I feel with just the 'I'. Still a little confused by the cage, but it's a good image. Not sure why you need a : at the end?

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Re: Nebula

Post by Macavity » Mon Jun 24, 2013 8:38 pm

Not sure why you need a : at the end?
That's the creative bit Ros, beyond which lies space :)

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Re: Nebula

Post by Ros » Mon Jun 24, 2013 9:39 pm

Macavity wrote:
Not sure why you need a : at the end?
That's the creative bit Ros, beyond which lies space :)
oh, that place!
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Re: Nebula (revised)

Post by Macavity » Fri Jun 28, 2013 5:52 am

hi Ros

On reflection I've dropped the colon. After all the rest of the punctuation is conventional.

cheers

mac

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