Passing Shadows

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Paula
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Passing Shadows

Post by Paula » Sat Jun 22, 2013 8:06 am

Momentary silence whispers in her ear
simplicity shines as it nears
in her garland, so rare
the aroma, a scent so delicate
lingers in shades of merging colours
its her time
never mind.....

Haunting memories
forever embedded in her soul
Her spirit travels the realms
with every heartbeat
its all sublime
never mind...

The sun lingers in passing shadows
her fragile blanket motioned, like a storm cloud
her heart weakened by winds of change
brought back to its former glory
her mind
never mind..

A travelers hallmark
a seekers revenge on time itself
taken away to places unknown
a keep sake, a gift so rare
her heartstrings divine
never mind...

As the melody gentle weeps
an echo plays outward
shores laden with sand castles
washed away in the oceans captive stance
she tip toes and twirls
her moves capture the summer breeze
in reflections
never mind..

Little ripples sweep her gracefully
to and fro, with waves of love
she surrenders, floats away
an endless dream ride to faraway lands
her heart hears the call
an island home
so fine

She never minds...

Macavity
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Re: Passing Shadows

Post by Macavity » Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:23 pm

silence whispers in her ear
I like that notion that silence has a whisper.

all the best

mac

LoveMinusZero
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Re: Passing Shadows

Post by LoveMinusZero » Tue Jun 25, 2013 4:16 am

I liked this poem, to me it was about someone waiting for their "shadows" (problems) to pass, by simply refusing to think about them. That may not be what you intended when writing this one, but I like it. Thanks for the read.
A dying man in a living room.

David Smedley
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Re: Passing Shadows

Post by David Smedley » Fri Jun 28, 2013 4:21 pm

simplicity shines as it nears
in her garland
her fragile blanket motioned
oceans captive stance
As the melody gentle weeps
Hi Paula, most of this poem is lost to absraction for me. I have highlighted the above, but to be truthful it was most of the poem. There is very little concrete imagery for the reader to lock into and therefore be "moved" in one way or another.

The use of "never mind" to end most of the verses does not gel with the content of the verses in a way that can be readily discerned.

There is overuse of cliche, some examples below.
embedded in her soul
Haunting memories
scent so delicate
her heart weakened by winds of change
lines like these are ok on their own but stand out when piled together.

Thank you for your poem...David
Last edited by David Smedley on Sat Jun 29, 2013 6:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Paula
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Re: Passing Shadows

Post by Paula » Sat Jun 29, 2013 12:16 pm

Thanks for the insightful feedback David...Obviously my over use of metaphor didnt gel with your own style of processing, but it helps to know these things for those who are more in your own style of understanding and connecting..:)

David2
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Re: Passing Shadows

Post by David2 » Sat Jun 29, 2013 2:50 pm

I rather like the repetition of "never mind" - it has a sort of wistful, haunting quality. And, of course, the reminder of Poe - Nevermore - possibly adds to that feeling.

It is very abstract, so I see where tother David is coming from, but perhaps that was part of the effect you were going for, Paula - vague, swooning etc. I couldn't actually work out what you are describing, although I'm wondering whether it is in fact a deathbed scene. Is that completely wrong?

One thing that did bother me slightly was the complete lack of apostrophes - its, travelers, seekers - but then I am a bit of a grammar pedant.

Cheer's

David

Antcliff
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Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: Passing Shadows

Post by Antcliff » Sat Jun 29, 2013 3:35 pm

David2 wrote:I rather like the repetition of "never mind" - it has a sort of wistful, haunting quality. And, of course, the reminder of Poe - Nevermore - possibly adds to that feeling.
Me too.

I think you are going for swoony, but I wonder if something could be added in to help the reader understand why it is quite so swoony. With David, I find myself reading the title as referring to the shadows of one passing (away), but I am not sure whether that is the intention.

Early on I am bit confused by this line:


simplicity shines as it nears
in her garland


Is it in the garland of the one saying "never mind", or in the garland of simplicity itself (counted as female)? Either way, I am not sure I really understand the reference to simplicity. Is the poem referring to a picture?


Best wishes,
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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