The piano

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Paula
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Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:44 am

The piano

Post by Paula » Thu Jun 13, 2013 12:52 pm

Moving through the dance
stepping in lighted motion
succculent weaves
dance to and fro

Each step creates
a breath of joyful symphonies
awakened to the stirring heart
that melts in time

Notes capture reflection
mirroring a grandure all of their own
the master holds the key
nothing is hidden

A brisk wind turns full circle
upbeat, jaded, no more
joy filled landings
gently rest in air particles
positioned upon
each tender note

Oh this is the night of nights!
the fluency of love
before me
my own symphony
created by my own hands

Rise to the sweetness!
let your fingers
dance in time

The piano holds all the keys.

Arian
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Re: The piano

Post by Arian » Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:05 pm

Hi Paula
Am I right in thinking that this is your first post? And, possibly, to writing poetry? If so, congratulations on a piece which has a lot to commend it. It's nicely conceived, well paced and has a number of good lines. I particularly admired:

Notes capture reflection
mirroring a grandure (grandeur) all of their own

which is excellent.

I also like:

succculent weaves (waves?)
dance to and fro


On the downside, there are some lines which many readers might find over-familiar, at least in their tone (e.g, a breath of joyful symphonies), and the frequent use of language such as Oh this is the night of nights! and Rise to the sweetness! give it a dithyrambic feel (worth looking it up if you're not familiar with it) that many 'modern' poets might feel uncomfortable with.

Still, a thoughtful piece with a lot of promise. Hope you'll continue to post.

Cheers
Peter

Paula
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:44 am

Re: The piano

Post by Paula » Fri Jun 14, 2013 2:30 am

Arian wrote:Hi Paula
Am I right in thinking that this is your first post? And, possibly, to writing poetry? If so, congratulations on a piece which has a lot to commend it. It's nicely conceived, well paced and has a number of good lines. I particularly admired:

Notes capture reflection
mirroring a grandure (grandeur) all of their own

which is excellent.

I also like:

succculent weaves (waves?)
dance to and fro


On the downside, there are some lines which many readers might find over-familiar, at least in their tone (e.g, a breath of joyful symphonies), and the frequent use of language such as Oh this is the night of nights! and Rise to the sweetness! give it a dithyrambic feel (worth looking it up if you're not familiar with it) that many 'modern' poets might feel uncomfortable with.

Still, a thoughtful piece with a lot of promise. Hope you'll continue to post.

Cheers
Peter

Thankyou Peter...it is my first to this haven. I have written lots to self, but landed this one here for some feedback and understanding of other poets connection and styles of poetry. Thankyou for the spell checks.. :D

Thankyou for that information about dithyrambic feel...I am not familair with this at all..actually I am not familar with much other than jotting down what comes out of me..thankyou again.

Antcliff
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Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: The piano

Post by Antcliff » Fri Jun 14, 2013 5:02 pm

Hi Paula,

I liked that last line, playing on the word "key".

I wonder if using "dance" three times is too much? Could one at least be replaced? Just a thought.

Best wishes,
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

Macavity
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Re: The piano

Post by Macavity » Fri Jun 14, 2013 9:03 pm

The piano holds all the keys.
Agree with Seth on that line. One of the pleasures of writing is to have made a line like that.

cheers

mac

Paula
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:44 am

Re: The piano

Post by Paula » Sat Jun 22, 2013 7:46 am

thankyou both for that feedback, especially about repeating words...never realized it was there three times...:)

Antcliff
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Re: The piano

Post by Antcliff » Sat Jun 22, 2013 11:35 am

Paula wrote:thankyou both for that feedback, especially about repeating words...never realized it was there three times...:)
I quite often miss the fact that I have repeated but did not intend to do so. I suspect it is one of those things that we are slightly blind to in our own case. Ha!
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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