Stealth Games

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Macavity
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Stealth Games

Post by Macavity » Sat May 25, 2013 9:12 am

Playing hide and seek with Mary,
counting the dark away,
breathing softly, scenting rumours.

Finally

I find her kneeling, cleaning
the rim, my toothbrush
humming like a wasp.

champion
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Re: Stealth Games

Post by champion » Mon May 27, 2013 9:52 pm

Hello Mac.
I found that the title did not initially catch my interest, as many of your others so often have done, and gave me the impression that I should expect something a little bit 'Cold War'. But, having enjoyed your intriguing subject matter in the past, I came in from the cold, and was pleasantly suprised by the first stanza.
Counting the dark away
breathing softly'
a wonderful image that evokes memories of moments that seemed to last forever, hidden behind curtains, under beds and in wardrobes, though I was a little confused by 'scenting rumours'?
I think that there is so much imagery in those first few lines, you could quite easily make the first stanza stand alone Mac, possibly as a couplet, even as a heroic couplet?

Sorry Mac, but for me, the second stanza did very little.

Cheers
Robbie

KevJ
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Re: Stealth Games

Post by KevJ » Tue May 28, 2013 4:34 pm

Hi Mac I have an image in my head of someone with ocd cleaning the toilet bowl with your toothbrush. Made me smile at first then I felt a bit guilty because I guess someone with ocd should be viewed with a degree of compassion. Can't be an easy thing to live with. :wink:
I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!

Macavity
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Re: Stealth Games

Post by Macavity » Wed May 29, 2013 4:11 am

Thanks Robbie and Kev. I agree there is a 'discomfort', but then that is the intention.

all the best

mac

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Re: Stealth Games

Post by LoveMinusZero » Wed May 29, 2013 3:48 pm

I loved the imagery of the first stanza, but also got a little lost in the second stanza. After reading KevJ's comment I realized it had something to do with someone with OCD, but perhaps because I have never met anyone with OCD it never really struck a chord. That being said, I did very much enjoy the first stanza of this poem.
A dying man in a living room.

John G
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Re: Stealth Games

Post by John G » Fri May 31, 2013 1:49 pm

though the whole piece could have done without the second part as it just brings images of prisoners scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes, which Im sure wasn't the intention or the image you wanted?

If it was, then you were spot one.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

Macavity
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Re: Stealth Games

Post by Macavity » Fri May 31, 2013 5:02 pm

Thanks LMZ and John.
as it just brings images of prisoners scrubbing toilets
Except it is not her toothbrush :wink:

cheers

mac

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